what's a mother to do?

[LucyontheLake]

My 29 year old son (BP) has fractured our family with his untreated BPD. And it gets worse and worse. His dad (we're not married any longer) refuses to address this--allows our son to live rent free and not work for years now--and won't confront him about the horrible dramas he creates (yep, codependency gone wild). It's all the usual stuff--distortion campaigns and emotional abuse. We've (his brother, sister, and I) all been at the brunt of it, but as his mother, I've taken the worst hits.

Since the most recent fallout in September, I've kept up my boundaries. We live 10 hours apart now, so this basically means we don't call and talk. But now the holidays are coming, and I wish we could resolve this ridiculous estrangement (caused by my not asking him why he was calling me... he was upset and needed to rage and I was just chatting normally--which makes me a self-centered bitch, etc... mind you he was raised in a home where swearing never happened).

I don't expect to hear from him, but feel as his mother I should make an effort to express my love and concern. How do I do this when my last attempt was cruelly shutdown by him? Not to mention that if I reach out to him, he will feel the power over this situation and that just further entrenches him in this behavior.

I'm so worried, sad, and at the end of my rope. Any advice would be much appreciated.
(His older brother and younger sister are coming for Christmas and are actually glad their BP-brother isn't going to be there because he always creates drama--especially when it's time to leave.)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Lucy on the Lake:

I'm brand new to this group and I don't feel like I can offer advice. I can tell you that you are not alone. I understand how difficult it is to live without a clear plan on what is best to do to help your a child who is clearly in trouble. After all, mothers are always supposed to be able to make things better, right?

I've been banished from my adult daughter's life. I respect her wishes and have not contacted her.

But, like you I feel like I want to reach out to her and reassure her that I love her. But, when I do take the initiative she punishes me with verbal abuse that escalates until she is literally beside herself. So I am waiting her out, even though it's the holidays and we're still in the middle of a pandemic.

I hope you can find ways to take care of your self. I'm so sorry you have to endure this.

[NorthernMom]

Hi Lucyonthelake,

There was a previous post about family dynamics, fractured unit family, Christmas coming up etc. and alot of pressure being felt to 'keep the family whole'.   Sounds very familiar to your situation.

I am working my way through changing my family definition and move past what I thought we had as a family unit in the traditional sense.  It's pointless, clouded with grief, guilt, regret and useless self-condemnation for being a Mom who "cannot keep her family together".    I need to shift to be a Mom of a family that I have, even if it's got lots of warts.

My daughter has a degree of estrangement, won't talk to me, but will text occasionally and most often the benign or 'friendly' topics quickly deteriorate.  Then the total silence starts until she needs something from me again (usually something related to finances).   Nonetheless, I send her short messages once a week just to indicate I am here and love her.

This Christmas will be the first one we are all not together and it will be because of my BPD daughter's doing.  After a mind-blowing traumatic exit on her part in September for school, she's alienated herself from her younger brother and father, is on eggshells with her older sister and vows never to come home.  Since then I have grieved and cried and prayed to 'just make this all go away'.  Needless to say, that's not going to happen.  Instead, I truly believe the Almighty has brought me to this forum, given me grace and insight, the desire to learn more about BPD and some degree of acceptance and strength to redefine my shattered family into something different.

This Christmas will be different, but doesn't need to be hell on earth or a period of extreme sorrow with the absence of my BPD daughter.  We will miss her, and my other 2 children will obviously see the gap, but we need to move on and accept what is a different type of family than the 'cookie cutter' that doesn't exist for us.

If your other children are better off with some distance from the oldest, maybe that's best for all this year and make a new plan?

Just my 2cents.  :-)