My wife left suddenly and is wanting to race a divorce

[Hellen18]

Hi this is my first post.

About six weeks ago, my wife who I have been with for five years informed me she was going to get her own apartment. I had predicted trouble for only about a month. She told me she was having doubts that I was her truth. We had some fights that had occurred but overall had an incredibly happy life outside of external circumstances involving my mom’s slow decline and death, the death of my old pup and of course Covid.

The 180 that occurred in that month after a lot of back-and-forth beginning to explore some of her own trauma, not only surprised me but also everyone around us. It took my therapist and a few experienced friends to point out that her behaviors lined up very closely with people with traits of BPD.

Now that I am doing some research, I can see that there have been pass characteristics that also reveal the potential of this being the case. The problem is I’m not sure what to do now. She is insisting that I am no longer her truth, but she knows she’s made the right decision, and at this point she’s already signed a lease and has shut out the voice of any friend who questions this new line of thinking.

I have recently read Conscious uncoupling and have decided to take that approach during this separation, the problem is I still don’t know how to handle the separation or if it’s even necessary still. A part of me wants to challenge her or in someway speak my own truth, but there’s been so much gaslighting about how there is no room for her and how it’s always about me, so instead I just try to be a listening supporter. I haven’t fully stepped away, she comes over weekly, but it doesn’t seem to be changing the full steam ahead approach to it all.

I’m stuck between wanting a clean break, wanting to not give up so easily, and just wanting my wife back. I’ve caught her in lies recently and it feels like a piece for is completely shut down. So the other part portion of me doesn’t know exactly who it is I’d be wanting back anyways.

There is some financial gain for her to have. So at first I wondered if that was the cause of this race to
The finish line. But for the most part, it just seems like running,
Blowing up something that is, overall, good and safe and just re writing the story and looking for confirmation bias.

I’m so confused.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother and your precious doggo. 

Do you think it’s possible that these losses made her think about her own mortality?

Often BPD partners can make these sorts of rash decisions and then, as their spouse is getting used to the new normal, abruptly change their mind and return, as if nothing happened.

Whether or not this is the case for you, here’s an article that might be of help:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[kells76]

Hi Hellen18, glad you are here.
Good to hear you have a therapist of your own. Really important when there's a pwBPD in your life.
Do you have any kids? That can make a huge difference in how you move forward -- you mention vacillating between wanting the clean break vs trying again with your wife. If there are kids involved... it really changes the options.
Post again when you're up for it;
kells76