I just need help, I’m exhausted

[magicc]

Hi there, my 19yr old son (turning 20 in Dec) has BPD. It’s been a long road... I’m so tired and at a loss as what to do. I know this is not productive at all but I just can’t live with him anymore. He finished school, just... although being highly intelligent, went to college for one year and only went to the class that he liked therefore failing and dropping out. He’s has 3 jobs, 2 of which he was fired from. He now literally sits in his room all day/night. I organized him to see a therapist at a place that does the DB therapy but because of COVID they’re not having the group part. He won’t go unless there’s the full sessions group included. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, have done for most of his life. His ADHD has calmed down from when he was a kid... that nearly killed me! But now it’s the emotional stuff, he flies into a rage at me specifically over what seems like nothing. I know he’s going through other things but he never talks to me about it. I don’t need him to, I need him to get into therapy. He has been in therapy since he was little but he wants to do the DB therapy now. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to help him, I don’t know how to encourage him on how to adult as he’s always got the same answer “I know”. I’m sorry if this is coming out incredibly selfish and unsupportive, it’s just how I feel at this moment. I adore him with every part of my being, I love him so much and hate myself for feeling how I do right now

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!  You are not selfish at all.  You want and deserve your life back.  The first step is knowing you have as many rights as your BPD child does.
~isolating in his room and rageful... yes I went through that with my son.  My son also had  a co morbid mood disorder and substance abuse going on at the same time as his BPD. ( Not saying this is your child, necessarily).
~An idea you may be able to try is having him talk to the crisis team .  They can talk on the phone and come out to the residence to talk .  It may be different enough for him to want to give it a try.  The crisis team may also have lists of other therapists that offer a zoom group type of thing? Worth a try
~ 
Here are other posts to read on isolation:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342614.0.
~Meanwhile, thanks for making us a part of your network.  Write back to us as you have need. 

[wendydarling]

Hi magicc 

I join Swimmy welcoming you. It's been a long haul and it's hard to see the future. I've been there. It is tough the group session being on lockdown. Do you know how long the lockdown will last?

My daughter spent a year on a DBT waiting list and that was akin to lockdown.  Bridging the gap is hard, takes patience, lots of self care and can be doable. The crisis team were helpful, as Swimmy suggests. I also gradually introduced some basic ways to self sooth (DBT) to the home. Your son shows awareness DBT will help him.  Has he read any books, or would he be up to reading?

I'm glad you found us. 

WDx

[magicc]

Thank you both for replying. I’ve read quite a bit and decided to purchase 2 books ~ Stop walking on eggshells and Loving someone with BPD. I have tried since he was very young to help with therapy etc but as he’s about to turn 20 I feel he is the one to address his mental health. I can’t do this for him but I CAN be there for him. I need to understand how to communicate with him without him ending up in a rage because of how I said something? It’s exhausting and quite frankly we need our life back in this house. I also need to understand how to set boundaries as I’ve basically lived his entire life in fear especially after his suicide attempt... I completely shut down I couldn’t leave his side which of course was nearly impossible... It was like I was frozen, the sheer terror of loosing him completely took over. Thankfully my therapist who I’ve seen on and off for many years pulled me out. I’m forever grateful for that.

Thank you for letting me ramble, it helps so much especially with mums who understand 

[NorthernMom]

Hi Magicc,

I am relatively new to this situation of parenting an older teen with BPD characteristics, and thank you for sharing your situation.  If my (nearly) 18 year old daughter was living with us, I can guarantee we would be living through the same challenges.  In hindsight we have been wrapped up in her chaos for about 2 years and just didn't know what it was we were looking at.  Right now she's at university in residence, has a job and dropped to part time courses.  She's now talking about leaving school altogether and vows never to come home.  Probably best for all of us, but who knows what will actually happen.  Her life is erratic and hard to say what will become of things given she cannot manage even a dime of money.

As simple as it sounds and as hard as it is, the first thing that strikes me about your heartbreaking situation is to "heal thyself".  You NEED to prioritize you.  That may be some form of disengagement from your son, learning tools how to compartmentalize his emotions from yours, go back to/start therapy, take up a new hobby/activity/volunteer capacity etc.  I don't have solutions as I am on this journey at the same time...but I keep reminding myself that I will be no good to my family, including my BPD daughter (despite her hating me all the time) if I am broken and beaten down.  To be strong for all, I need to be whole in me all the time.

[BonnieW]

You are not alone.  I notice the common thread of rages and dramatic behaviour in these forums.  This is sad and thoroughly exhausting, but I'm happy that there is helpful and supportive information in these blogs.

I have had to distance myself from my 38 year old daughter because I was experiencing symptoms of deep depression.  Not able to sleep or not able to stay asleep through the night; difficulty making decisions; felt like I was constantly ready to cry and always felt exhausted.  My therapist helped me to recognize and overcome it without the use of anti-depressant medication.  I have made myself a priority and established boundaries as I couldn't function or have a comfortable life with the rants and drama that she brings with her.

It helps to know that others have had similar experiences and that there are coping methods that I can try. I'm so glad that I found this site!

I wish you peace and contentment.