Holidays seem to make things unbearable

[Kelsi]

This is my first post. I’m pretty sure my husband has bpd.  It always throws me off because he is so loving and caring one minute and the next is calling me or my kids names and telling me to get out of his house, and I literally do nothing to cause these outbursts. For along time I questioned my own sanity, until I read “walking on eggshells and I realized my husband has many of the characteristics of bpd.  Anyway, holidays are always really bad for us,  Especially Christmas.  Last week my husband was great. Bought me a bunch of gifts, hugging and kissing me and telling me he couldn’t live without me and then yesterday I started a new job graveyard shift.  I’ve been off work because of covid.  When I left for work he hugged and kissed me goodbye, and before I was off work at 7 in the morning he was telling me what a horrible mother I am and that he can’t stand to look at my kids anymore.  That lasted all day yesterday as he threw divorce and wanting us to leave his house etc.  I moved out of state and left all of my family (grown daughter, mom, siblings, etc.) to be with him, and thought it was a new start for me and my kids. And half of the time it is, but the other half is completely the opposite. I feel like he knows I can’t just leave in a day because I don’t have anywhere to go closer than 1500 miles away, and he uses that.  This morning he texts me saying he loves and misses me so much.  I feel so stupid because I always end up forgiving his outbursts and I’m always so confused and asking why, when his mood changes like this.  It just blows my mind.  I stay, but I know I should go.  I’m hoping this board will help me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and get myself and my boys in a better environment or at least learn ways of dealing with these outbursts. There’s so much more to say about our relationship but I feel like it would take all day to write it all out.  I guess I’m looking for some coping skills and input from others in a similar situation. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vincenta]

Hi Kelsi,

Glad that you found us! 

Could you please tell a bit more about the situation and the possible ‘ triggers’ in your relationship?

Warm regards
 
Vincenta

[Kelsi]

Hi.  I guess my “triggers” are when he completely disregards my feelings and leaves for the entire day without telling me anything about where he is or what he’s doing.  And just generally changing his mood from loving me so much too hating me in a matter of minutes sometimes.  I think his triggers are numerous.  One big one is when I have my grown daughter here to visit.  He always acts like he will be totally fine with her coming and even buys gifts for her or makes plans of things we can do when she is here.  But then every time, right before she arrives, I’m painted black and he disconnects and acts like I mean nothing to him.  Thank you for your response and for taking the time to read my post. I don’t talk to my daughter or family much about this because they already know about how he is too me and I think they have a hard time understanding why I stay here and don’t move back home.  I feel stupid for repeating this same cycle of being completely crushed and then forgiving and acting like all of the hateful things were never said or done.  The horrible part is I never know what I’ve done to make him change his mood and turn into this monster I don’t know.

[Cat Familiar]

It seems a lot of people with BPD feel threatened if they don’t feel the primacy of your love. To have to share your affection with your daughter might be overwhelming to him, and that could be the reason he behaves the way he does when she’s about to visit.

Empathy and seeing things from another’s perspective is not typically a strength for people with BPD, so neglecting to tell you his whereabouts fits with that.

[Baglady]

Hi Kelsi 

I think Cat explains it pretty well with this statement:

"It seems a lot of people with BPD feel threatened if they don’t feel the primacy of your love"

My exBPDh was incredibly triggered by any attention I paid to our son - let me clarify - his own biological child with me   
Just prior to our divorce - he kept challenging me to prove that I loved him more than our son which obviously I could not do.  He couldn't grasp that I could love two people equally but in different ways - all-or-nothing thinking in the extreme.

Also your sentence struck me:

"The horrible part is I never know what I’ve done to make him change his mood and turn into this monster I don’t know."

The answer is that you have done absolutely nothing.  His moods are all about him, his internal feelings and likely have little or nothing to do with you other than you are a handy target of abuse for all that is not well with his world at a given moment.

This is a hard road...I've been there 

Keep posting - this site saved me!

Warmly,
B

[Kelsi]

Cat and b, thank you for the replies, it’s so nice to be able to talk to others who understand my situation.  That makes a lot of sense with him not feeling the primacy of my love and acting out.  His behavior is just so different than anyone I’ve ever dealt with or loved.  Thank you both for taking the time to reply.  My husband is partially back to loving me for now, however, I know it’s a matter of time before he hates me and my kids again:/