Daughters behavior just getting worse

[BlueinBk]

Hi everyone. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. My daughter 18 refuses school, medication, therapy. Very violent outburst. I feel trapped and afraid at times. Even if she is calm enough to speak one wrong word and something will come flying at me. She accused my bf of not speaking to her. So now she’s on a rampage about him and he wants no parts   How are we to survive this behavior and have lives of our own. I am sad drained , feel alone hopeless. I’m a single mom. My family has pretty much backed off.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Glad you came here BlueinBk to tell us how it is for you. Here you are among people who also feel sad, afraid and alone. You don't mention how long this has been going on or whether your daughter has ever had any professional help - but it is clear from what you say that the outbursts are very angry. Are they threatening? Does she destroy your property?

There is great information here to help you understand BPD and develop skills in dealing with your daughter's illness.

In my case, I realised that I was continually focused on how I could help my BPD d and I did manage to get her to try some types of help. But when it came to the point that I was still encouraging her to get help and she just flatly refused, I finally realised there was nothing I actually could do.

It does keep popping into my mind how to find ways to help her - but I know now that unless she is willing there is no point in my energy being used up that way. I keep up the mantra to myself 'I have done all that I can'.

It sounds as though you are in that corner: your daughter refuses to try any pathway to a better living.

Have you ruled out whether there is any substance abuse involved? Sometimes this is a hidden reality (hidden from parents I mean) and makes the BPD symptoms much worse.

It took me a long time to accept all the advice that I needed to take care of myself. Are there ways that you and your bf can work together on this? It can make a huge difference if you can work together firstly in a shared understanding of BPD and secondly in how a couple can work to support one another through very difficult times.

Just one last thing . . . if you do feel threatened, I think it is useful to have thought out how you will respond should things get out of hand. For example, you can think about what would I do if my daughter hits me? If she starts trashing the home? Where could I go to if I did not feel safe? Would I call the police under some circumstances, and if so, what?

And of course . . . come here when you just feel lonely and isolated in dealing with all this. It helps to know that there are so many other people who know exactly what this awful journey is like.

[BlueinBk]

Thank you for responding. This had been going on maybe 8 years. Yes physically violence home destroyed. I called mobile crisis yesterday. They called her to tell and boy she went crazy. When they arrived spoke only to her I did say I’d like info on helping her move since I’m the trigger. They asked what she wanted she said not that, then they left. After she gloated about my failed attempt that I should go suffer as she enjoys her day. I think to call police but I don’t think there’s proper help in jail. She did take the therapy call today. Keeping hope alive.

[Sancho]

So glad you called mobile crisis - have you done that before? From the way you describe her reaction I am assuming this might be the first time?

Even though your daughter painted the event as a type of 'win' for her, I think it could be the first step in a process of change. Did the crisis team organise the phone call?

On this site you will read a lot about putting boundaries in place. I think part of that is the willingness to have other people involved. Your daughter knows now that you are willing to do that. I think this is a great step forward.

I'm not sure what sort of community organisations you can get advice from where you live. Here we have community legal centres that can offer free advice about what the consequences would be if you called police at a moment when she was being physically violent or destroying property.

There may be church organisations that can give you information on what is available re alternate accommodation?

Is there any way you can access counselling yourself? When I have been really upset I have used free phone counselling services.

If you have information at hand and have developed a formula for your own self care, then you will be in the best position if the moment arises when your daughter is ready to take a step forward.

I hope the phone call will be followed up with more involvement by other people. Take care!