Being the single parent of a teenaged daughter with BPD

[Frankie88]

I sat in my car today after parking in the parking lot of a large shopping centre.  I was escaping being at home with my daughter who is nearly 17 and has BPD traits.  I didn't want to get out of my car straight away.  I started to search on my phone for 'escaping being at home with my daughter who has bpd' or something like that and I found an entry for the book, 'Stop walking on eggshell'.  I felt relief.  My daughter is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication but she ran out of her pills a week ago and her behaviour has changed back to the challenging type I had almost forgotten about.  Tomorrow she will start taking her medication again after I visit the chemist.  Her appointments with the psychiatrist went from face to face to Zoom soon after they commenced and I didn't think they were as effective.  I am really looking forward to this week as it is her first appointment face to face in 7 months.  I am seeing a psychologist myself but apart from seeing her, I do feel isolated, overwhelmed and distressed sometimes and don't have anyone else I can really talk to. Sometimes, I talk with my parents or my sister but I have realised that they don't understand the complexities around living with my daughter and how I cope and struggle. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[love never fails]

Hi Frankie88,

I'll be honest, I don't usually respond to posts here even though I have been reading them for over a year.  I guess I feel like we are struggling so much I don't know what to say to encourage someone else, but I did feel I should respond back to yours.

We have a 17 year old dtr who has struggled with mental health issues for what feels like her whole life.  Suicide gestures and self harm began at age 11.  She has been in and out of psych admissions and residential treatments.

The thing that has helped me the most is reading posts here and getting ideas from other parents.  Our friends don't get it.  I think people assume if we were as good of parents as they are that we wouldn't be having these problems.

One thing I learned about here is not to J-A-D-E which is don't justify, argue, defend or explain.  We would always keep trying to help her understand and that just created more arguing.  I have come to accept that any time I say no to her or ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, she will feel that it is unfair and I am being mean.  I can't ever explain it in a way that changes her mind.  I just try to think through my rules and consequences to be sure I feel they are what they should be and then not allow any further "discussion".

[beatricex]

hi Frankie88,

Glad you are here, you have come to the right place.  I have a BPD'd mom (she's in her 70's) and we suspect my step daughter (in her 20's) is BPD.

The need to escape from my borderlines is a feeling I have had many many times, and it's real.  In some ways, I think dealing with the person creates PTSD.  Take a break if you need to, get some help for you.

Do you have an update on your daughter's conditon?  You said she would be getting back on her meds.
 
b

[Sancho]

The need to escape from my borderlines is a feeling I have had many many times, and it's real.  In some ways, I think dealing with the person creates PTSD.

I am glad that this has popped up in this post discussion. It is just so true!

Thanks

[beatricex]

hi Sancho,
just sending you a wave and a hug

This board is different than others I have frequented for 10+ years (Voicelessness, a board for survivors of Narcissitic mothers, most notably).

It's different because I can see there's a core group of people, some of them "moderators" that seem to have been around awhile...

then, there's the veteran posters...not moderators...and the lurkers.

It seems we all respond to the newbies, who only post once or twice but not to one another?  very strange.

Anyway, i hope to turn that dynamic around, cause, I'm not one to follow the Status Quo!

LOL

Thanks for acknowledging my post Sancho!  Finally, there seems to be life on this board.  LOL

b

[Frankie88]

Thanks for the responses to my post.  My daughter is back on her meds.  The holidays have been stressful and I am longing for some structure and discipline imposed by her being back at school.  She is seeing a psychiatrist but the visits were online during Covid and not all that effective.  My daughter seemed to be managing herself better and we were having much more calm interactions since she stopped seeing her Dad after a violent incident earlier last year and she started taking meds, but then after school finished for the holidays, her contact with a friend (I really dislike) increased and her behaviour and attitude got more wayward. The manipulative influence of the friend, who seemingly has no boundaries, no parental controls and a very different background, is like a kind of seduction or evil spell cast over my daughter.  For instance, the friend said she wanted to go on a holiday in another state and asked my daughter if she would come if she (the friend) paid.  So, my daughter came home and told me she is going to fly to X destination with her friend, who is paying for everything.  I found it a bit shocking to say the least! Any questions I asked were met with 'everything will be fine, Mum. I am going to go with the flow and not plan anything'.  The friend didn't tell her Mum she was going until she got up there and then asked her Mum for money.  After numerous phone calls with my daughter after she arrived, at 10pm that night she still didn't know where they were going to stay the night, as the airbnb she told me about before she left was not an option any more.  She even suggested that they might go back to the airport and stay there the night.  I was so cross and frustrated and worried because my daughter sounded like she had completely lost her mind.  Anyway, the friend's aunt apparently arranged a hotel booking at the 11th hour (literally).  They stayed up there for 4 nights.  When I picked them up from the airport when they got back, I felt things had really changed between my daughter and me.  A couple of days later she went with the same friend to stay with her father, despite her psychiatrist recommending no contact as she had symptoms of PTSD.  Again, she just told me she was going, no asking about it.  I asked her if she had enough meds with her and she said yes, but she actually had left them at home.  When she returned a week later, I gleaned she had engaged in some risky behaviour.  She was totally unreasonable when she got back.  Yesterday I had to call the police when she grabbed my keys and threatened to drive my car when I said said I wouldn't drive her to meet her friends.  She was late because she had an online session with her psychiatrist that I had forgotten about.  I overheard her telling the psychiatrist how overbearing I was. When I asked her if she had told the psychiatrist about the visit to her Dad's or about her suddenly stopping her meds, she said no.  I heard her telling the psychiatrist about her holiday with her friend.  Anyway, despite me saying not to, she got in my car, locked herself in and started up the car. She had only ever had one driving lesson with her Dad in a rural area.  My car is a manual and was in gear and she didn't understand what that meant.  She turned key three times. I stood at the window asking her not to do it.  She then got out of the car, put the keys on the windscreen and walked off.  I was already on the phone to the police.  I am seeing a good psychologist and this has been helpful, but I can see a long road ahead.  My daughter's psychiatrist has closed her books she is that busy and unfortunately her next session is not for another 6 weeks, but I have since booked up fortnightly sessions after that.  Just posting this because I don't feel ok talking with my family about it in such detail.  When I have in the past, I realised they don't understand how she is and they tell me to give more consequences and be stricter.  It is not fair on them or my daughter for her privacy, either, I think.  Also, no-one I know tells me anything like this has happened to them, apart from someone at a former job.  My heart went out to her when she told me about her experiences with her son and I felt safe to tell her about my daughter - and my daughter was only 9! She was tricky then!  I have also found it interesting and helpful to read about BPD and realise that my ex-husband exhibited many traits and this has helped me forgive and understand myself in my struggles to be happy as a wife and mother living in that situation and since, moving on from it. Also, reading about living with someone with BPD, I realise even more how essential it is to take care of my own mental health. 

[losttrust]

Your ahead of my learning curve which most likely to help your daughter.  my son was treated for ADD, then depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, and had one doctor even suggest he was a spectrum of autism.  As he aged, things got worse as his friends began to grow and develop independent lives.  he struggles to hold a job, keep stable.  his need for attention is all consuming that girlfriends grow wary of the many personalities they witness.  we have not yet found a medicine or treatment that has been effective.  it was only after reading the stop walking on egg shells that i began to understand how best to communicate and help defuse the rants.  also gave me some hope and direction.  I'm looking for a BPD therapist, doctor etc that has a successful track record of helping young adults.  if anyone has a recommendation, please share.  The mental health industry is maddening. No wonder so many are walking the streets these days.   
and yes, i too have ran many of errands to simply escape or faked a work call to close a door and exhale.   

[helpinghimorme]

I agree with Sancho that living with someone with PBD or traits can cause PTSD.  I am often walking on eggshells with my daughter as well, just like her father.  Have you had a difficult time connecting with her when she was younger? Even as a toddler?