Greetings

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well...here we go.

I was married to a woman for 10 years; together for nearly 12. Got divorced last year; did not see it coming. We have D7, and thanks to the parenting custody laws here, 50% custody is the default. My daughter is...everything...and through all of this, my biggest concern was how she would be affected by the divorce. Since coming to the theory that my ex-wife suffers from BPD, I've also been going like mad to read up on the origins of BPD and hoping to figure out the right things to do to prevent daughter from developing it. Have read SWOE and the Co-Parenting when One Parent is a Narcissist or Borderline book (excellent reading, by the way). Trying to apply the things I've learned and the strategies I've read about. I'm resigned at this point to taking things one day at a time with regards to daughter's mental health, and hoping like hell that it'll be enough.

Ex-wife appears to have quiet BPD traits. Both of her parents have/had mental health issues- I don't want to get too specific. She has alluded to a past therapist who believes that her mother had BPD. From my interactions with her parents, I can verify that they are individuals with issues, at the very least. Ex-wife is chronically ill with fatigue and "autoimmune" ailments, but holds down a technically demanding job. Experiences social anxiety and struggles with depression; treated with medication for several years. Definite issues with black and white thinking-can despise her coworkers, one day, then be besties with them the next. I also saw evidence of an unsustainably large Amazon habit when I got her financial records as part of the divorce proceedings. (We had kept separate accounts so I had no idea how bad it was.) Over the last couple of years, I believe she also developed a social media habit. She would  spend all of her time on the couch, phone in hand. D7 had to beg her to spend time with her.

What precipitated all of this: This is my best guess as to the timeline of events, and I'm not claiming I can be objective even at this point, so take with appropriate salt.

We experienced the lockdowns of 2020 by going onto alternate work shifts. She worked during the day, and I stayed home to manage D's schooling. Then I worked the evening shift. I remember getting barrages of texts on some days, to the point they became a distracting annoyance. At one point, I sat down with uBPD-ex to have a conversation about resuming physical intimacy. We hadn't "done it" in nearly two years, and ever since D had been conceived, it had been rare (on the scale of 2-3 times/year). I'm wondering now if this was a fear of engulfment?

Whatever the reason, the conversation provoked an immediate, visceral, emotional reaction. If I read her face correctly, I thought I saw raw shock and fear. I immediately apologized and backed off. Thus began a weeks-long period of silent treatment, which ended with her moving in with her new SO girlfriend.

This was a relationship I worked my tail off for and in. Did 90% of the cooking, all of the cleaning more involved than sweeping the floor, bought the groceries, washed the dishes, managed all of the livestock, fed the pets. We lived in a rural setting, so there was always work to do-mowed the lawn, kept up with the painting, etc. And raising a child, to boot. uBPD-ex claimed illness/fatigue, so she could not participate, and I saw no reason to doubt it. Towards the end, there was very little uBPD-ex did, other than buy things for D via Amazon.

I point this out not to ask for sympathy, but to try and show you how deeply I cared for my family, and now for my daughter.  I am reading more on this site and learning all I can about coparenting and protecting my daughter as best I can, but I would...really...like to hear some success stories from parents who successfully raised their kids and got them through to adulthood. I have an idea of what my uBPD-ex had/has to be suffering through, and I am terrified of D suffering the same fate. She does seem emotionally sensitive, but at least she has a secure attachment to me. I don't *THINK* she is exhibiting any traits consistent with BPD other than maybe poor attention to detail when she's tired, but that's probably 95% of kids out there.

[Justdrive]

Well...here we go.

I was married to a woman for 10 years; together for nearly 12. Got divorced last year; did not see it coming. We have D7, and thanks to the parenting custody laws here, 50% custody is the default. My daughter is...everything...and through all of this, my biggest concern was how she would be affected by the divorce. Since coming to the theory that my ex-wife suffers from BPD, I've also been going like mad to read up on the origins of BPD and hoping to figure out the right things to do to prevent daughter from developing it. Have read SWOE and the Co-Parenting when One Parent is a Narcissist or Borderline book (excellent reading, by the way). Trying to apply the things I've learned and the strategies I've read about. I'm resigned at this point to taking things one day at a time with regards to daughter's mental health, and hoping like hell that it'll be enough.

Ex-wife appears to have quiet BPD traits. Both of her parents have/had mental health issues- I don't want to get too specific. She has alluded to a past therapist who believes that her mother had BPD. From my interactions with her parents, I can verify that they are individuals with issues, at the very least. Ex-wife is chronically ill with fatigue and "autoimmune" ailments, but holds down a technically demanding job. Experiences social anxiety and struggles with depression; treated with medication for several years. Definite issues with black and white thinking-can despise her coworkers, one day, then be besties with them the next. I also saw evidence of an unsustainably large Amazon habit when I got her financial records as part of the divorce proceedings. (We had kept separate accounts so I had no idea how bad it was.) Over the last couple of years, I believe she also developed a social media habit. She would  spend all of her time on the couch, phone in hand. D7 had to beg her to spend time with her.

What precipitated all of this: This is my best guess as to the timeline of events, and I'm not claiming I can be objective even at this point, so take with appropriate salt.

We experienced the lockdowns of 2020 by going onto alternate work shifts. She worked during the day, and I stayed home to manage D's schooling. Then I worked the evening shift. I remember getting barrages of texts on some days, to the point they became a distracting annoyance. At one point, I sat down with uBPD-ex to have a conversation about resuming physical intimacy. We hadn't "done it" in nearly two years, and ever since D had been conceived, it had been rare (on the scale of 2-3 times/year). I'm wondering now if this was a fear of engulfment?

Whatever the reason, the conversation provoked an immediate, visceral, emotional reaction. If I read her face correctly, I thought I saw raw shock and fear. I immediately apologized and backed off. Thus began a weeks-long period of silent treatment, which ended with her moving in with her new SO girlfriend.

This was a relationship I worked my tail off for and in. Did 90% of the cooking, all of the cleaning more involved than sweeping the floor, bought the groceries, washed the dishes, managed all of the livestock, fed the pets. We lived in a rural setting, so there was always work to do-mowed the lawn, kept up with the painting, etc. And raising a child, to boot. uBPD-ex claimed illness/fatigue, so she could not participate, and I saw no reason to doubt it. Towards the end, there was very little uBPD-ex did, other than buy things for D via Amazon.

I point this out not to ask for sympathy, but to try and show you how deeply I cared for my family, and now for my daughter.  I am reading more on this site and learning all I can about coparenting and protecting my daughter as best I can, but I would...really...like to hear some success stories from parents who successfully raised their kids and got them through to adulthood. I have an idea of what my uBPD-ex had/has to be suffering through, and I am terrified of D suffering the same fate. She does seem emotionally sensitive, but at least she has a secure attachment to me. I don't *THINK* she is exhibiting any traits consistent with BPD other than maybe poor attention to detail when she's tired, but that's probably 95% of kids out there.

[CoherentMoose]

  Welcome to the board.  You'll find some really fantastic people here.

There are several success stories in here, but be warned, it's a long hard process.  Establish and maintain good boundaries and plan to parallel parent if you two are unable to co-parent.  Most folks in here had to eventually move to parallel parenting.  Use your interwebz search-foo skills to search for relevant threads in here and you'll eventually find stories that match up with yours.  Again, welcome and good luck.  CoMo

[livednlearned]

I would...really...like to hear some success stories from parents who successfully raised their kids and got them through to adulthood. I have an idea of what my uBPD-ex had/has to be suffering through, and I am terrified of D suffering the same fate. She does seem emotionally sensitive, but at least she has a secure attachment to me. I don't *THINK* she is exhibiting any traits consistent with BPD other than maybe poor attention to detail when she's tired, but that's probably 95% of kids out there.

Friend, I feel your pain and worry.

That you're asking this question and sharing these concerns bodes so well for your D. I look back to a similar question for my T about the heritability of this stuff and how dramatically my parenting changed to accommodate new knowledge.

Validation, validation, validation is the key that unlocks emotional health for our kids. It's an easy skill to learn and essentially the communication branch of empathy.

My son inherited a sensitive genotype and we have a strong bond of trust. Part of that comes from learning to validate him (he was 9 when I learned about validation -- check out Power of Validation for parenting) and also learning to walk next to him rather than leading all the time, if that makes sense. It's easier to see through their eyes when you're in walking alongside instead of looking back, hoping they're following your lead.

Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids was a huge turning point, too. I wasn't paying attention to the degree my own worry and anxiety was infecting then S11 and learned to model flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderated behaviors for him.

I can't tell you how profound it is to discover how deeply my son has internalized this stuff.

And the rewards go both ways. I am a much better person because of this shift towards empathy and validation, and other changes.

I do think our kids internalize some of the maladaptive coping (BPD traits) that they learn from the disordered parent, and we don't always interpret how this is happening accurately.

How is she doing with the divorce and spending time with her mom?

[ForeverDad]

My Ex was much like yours.  She complained of all sorts of pain ailments.  Over time she grew to have no compassion for her coworkers and friends — and rejected my family and finally me.

We were married for over a decade before we had a child.  (News flash: Having children doesn't fix our sort of family discord, all it does is make everything vastly more complicated.)  Until then, despite our problems, I was viewed as a husband.  Afterward intimacy was rare.  Eventually I figured out that she saw herself choosing between me or our child, like she could love only one?  Too, once I became a father, she starting comparing me (negatively) to her abusive stepfather, very not good.

Many of us tried to keep the family together, thinking that was better than separating.  But actually there is an unexpected benefit from ending the marriage.  Though the children do have to adjust to a different life, they are then able to see with their own eyes the vast distinction between a reasonably normal and calm home versus one that is constantly in discord, conflict and ever changing rules.

A few decades ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action, as appropriate, will enable your lives or at least a part of your lives to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that may be — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

[Justdrive]

Thank you, all. I will add both of those books to my reading list. D is struggling a little, but about in line with what I would expect. She went from having a stable family, to having divorced parents, to having her mom's girlfriend officially move in with them within a few days of the divorce paperwork being mailed in. (About two months' time.) D recently figured out on her own that they are dating. D does not enjoy having to travel back and forth; she wishes she could have her old family back. So she's having to process a lot. I'm being as supportive as she will let me be-sometimes I know she has stuff on her mind but is emphatic that she doesn't want to talk about it. So I drop it and nudge her about it in a few days. That usually works. I'm finding she usually has about 24 hours after coming from ex-w/uBPD's place where she just needs to decompress. I do worry a little if D is being asked to keep secrets of some kind. I don't have any concrete reason to suspect that's the case; just a nagging intuition thing.

One thing that has been super beneficial is that we're both avid skiiers and we have been getting a lot of snow time in this year. Riding a chairlift with a mountainous view is great therapy in and of itself! She also has a very supportive school environment and friends all over the place. I'm encouraging the friendships and playdates as much as I can. D also has monthly private visits with a therapist, and advocated for that herself, so there is a third party professional involved.

D did ask me recently if I was going to begin dating again. I told her "I don't know, but if I do, it won't be for a good while." She thought about that, then said "Good. I kind of like things the way they are." Cue the warm fuzzies, right? But then she had to go twist the knife with "But on the other hand, I really wish I had a sister or brother." Sure, kid, and you can keep thinking that, right up until I move a bunk bed into your bedroom... :-)

To ForeverDad's point about the children being able to compare and contrast homes, I feel like there's a fine line to walk here. I want her to know that it is okay to be weirded out by seeing her mom in a relationship with someone else, and that her mom is not doing D any favors by making her deal with all of this at a young age. But I can also see that coming back to harm me, especially where the other SO is a woman. The last thing I want is to be accused of homophobia, because that would be the easiest and frankly most effective deflection tactic. I kinda feel like I'm staring at a tangled ball of yarn tied to a hand grenade. So for now I'm punting and hoping to get the chance to talk to D about all of this when she's older.

Again, thank you all.

[livednlearned]

I do worry a little if D is being asked to keep secrets of some kind. I don't have any concrete reason to suspect that's the case; just a nagging intuition thing.

Her mom may be putting her in a loyalty bind.

So not asking her to keep secrets so much as implying that she must demonstrate loyalty or else.

It's great that she has a therapist. In my experience it can take our kids years for trust to build outside the home because the family of origin doesn't set a strong example for what trust means.

Another book to add to the pile is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. In a normal-range divorce the parents don't put the kids in the middle, but in a divorce with a BPD parent, it happens by default. Many of us have to learn how to parent when a child is already put in the middle, and that takes specific skills that are not intuitive and must be learned.

We don't get the option of being passive in these divorces.