Help...I'm new to all this...

[CarleyMae]

I just recently have been encouraged to look into BPD and I just really thought my brother was a narcissistic a** that I was truly beginning to resent.  That being said, I'm still on the verge of walking away. His behaviors over the past 15-18 years have put a major toll on me.   I have been the main recipient of his behaviors.  I do get a "break" (not as often) when he remarries again, but I still am the main person he treats this way.  My mom gets it too.  I'm sorry.  I'm very emotional about this...he is my brother and we used to be very close.  The problems and issues came about when I got married.  Then got worse when I had my son, who has witnessed some of his behaviors, and uses my brother's actions as a guide to what never do or say or become.  He's a model of what not to be for my son who is almost 18.  I am an empath.  I feel your pain.  I have compassion and will stretch myself beyond my limits to help someone in need.  I've been lied to, used, manipulated, told I was dead to him, played for the fool, the escape goat or the recipient of blame...and more to a point where I no longer believe a word that he speaks and am to a breaking point.   I love him...he was my very first best friend.  I have said over and over that he will not win my sanity, but recently I've questioned that.   I recently purchased the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the workbook.  Please someone, I'm to a breaking point to which its me or him...and for me and my family, I have to choose me.  Although my mind still creeps back to him instead. 

[hugs2u]

CarleyMae keep working hard and reading and writing about this and it will get better. And yes, absolutely choose yourself! You deserve a peaceful, healthy life. It took me so long to accept that I would never be able to fix my brother, that no matter what I gave, it would never be enough but rather was just feeding and enabling him.

There are some excellent videos on YouTube, professionals talking about this situation with great tools you can use when interacting with a narcissist. Les Carter on YouTube is one of my favorites. I've also read some helpful articles by Shahida Arabi like this one:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

I have spent a lot of time cutting and pasting from articles like that one into my journal, and in the margins writing down examples of each of the NPD behaviors from my own life. It helped give me perspective and something about writing things down helped me see things more clearly. It helped me realize how ridiculous his behavior was, and how silly and illogical my own responses were back when I was still enmeshed in enabling and walking on eggshells.

My brother and I used to be best friends, but when I finally started setting real boundaries in my 30s, to stop his abusive behavior towards me, he could not take it. He has gotten worse over the years, and therefore more toxic and more abusive. When we were still in close contact, I remember many sleepless nights while I was tossing and turning in sorrow and rage trying to find logic in a completely illogical situation, trying to make sense of things and asking myself in an endless loop inside my head what I should have done differently, what was wrong with me, how would I fix things. I remember days at work when I would show up and was so upset and confused and exhausted by it all, I would just sit and stare at my computer all day and couldn't get anything done. Honestly my main source of peace and comfort now is that he moved to another state and now lives far away. If we still lived in the same town, I don't know if or how I would be able to manage.

I wish you the best and want you to know that with hard work and time and practice it will get better. You are not alone. Please hang in there and take care of yourself.

[CarleyMae]

Thank you, hugs2u!  I never thought anybody could fully understand what I had/have been going through and how many different ways to try to change the outcome of the vicious circles of drama and chaos and conflict.   It wasn't always like this, but when I no longer chose him over my family, things started going in a downward spiral fast.  Thank you so much...