Well, I think it could finally be over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a uBPD "best friend" that I've posted about - I am doing (and failing at) no contact.  I feel bad, and I always get sucked back in.  I feel that seed of hope, and I can't stop myself from responding, even though my T and my friends say, do not respond.  Every time I do, I end up with trauma that's hard to come down from.  I get temped to try to talk it out, and tempted to try to explain "my side."  Never works.  She ends up raging at me, and I end up feeling like a failure and feeling like the abusive one in her eyes.  I think that I am still trying to get some kind of validation from her - others can't validate me enough - it needs to be her.  (I know I need to work on this.)  I want her to understand the things she's done to me.  At the same time, I know that she's probably not capable of that.  I've known it for years.  I feel out of control, like the crazy irrational person she already says I am.  And powerless also.

Anyway, I hung up on her as she was raging at me, and then she blocked me very throughly on every channel possible.  Maybe this is truly it.  The final cut-off.

On the one hand, here is it, the result I wanted.  On the other, this aftermath feels horrible. I cried all day.  Not for her - I don't want a relationship like this.  But just for the pain of it all, and the loss of my own sense of self.  I have to start healing.  It's such a huge journey!

[MariannaR]

I have a uBPD "best friend" that I've posted about - I am doing (and failing at) no contact.  I feel bad, and I always get sucked back in.  I feel that seed of hope, and I can't stop myself from responding, even though my T and my friends say, do not respond.  Every time I do, I end up with trauma that's hard to come down from.  I get temped to try to talk it out, and tempted to try to explain "my side."  Never works.  She ends up raging at me, and I end up feeling like a failure and feeling like the abusive one in her eyes.  I think that I am still trying to get some kind of validation from her - others can't validate me enough - it needs to be her.  (I know I need to work on this.)  I want her to understand the things she's done to me.  At the same time, I know that she's probably not capable of that.  I've known it for years.  I feel out of control, like the crazy irrational person she already says I am.  And powerless also.

Anyway, I hung up on her as she was raging at me, and then she blocked me very throughly on every channel possible.  Maybe this is truly it.  The final cut-off.

On the one hand, here is it, the result I wanted.  On the other, this aftermath feels horrible. I cried all day.  Not for her - I don't want a relationship like this.  But just for the pain of it all, and the loss of my own sense of self.  I have to start healing.  It's such a huge journey!

[khibomsis]

 Dear Marianne, I am sorry for what you are going through! I lost my sense of self as an Asperger's partner as well. Trying to relate to someone who just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth is the most dislocating thing in the world.

It is now five years and I am starting to remember the good things about her. To me that is a sign I am healing.

What do you think of finding a therapist? People are saying it is hard with CoVID, but it really does help to make sense of one's childhood.

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MariannaR, Presumably there is a reason why you keep hangin' on with this person.  Can you identify what it is?  If so, it might help you to move on.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?

LuckyJim

[Cnvi]

I can completely understand the validation you're seeking as I'm in the same boat (3 weeks NC and my ex is posting quotes on facebook about "if he really loved you he wouldn't make you cry", etc) Wanting them to understand where you're coming from, or at least properly accept the reasons that you have for walking away / stopping contact is completely reasonable in most situations.  But ultimately, a lot of the time they will only hear / believe what they want to hear, and they can (usually very effectively) play the victim because blaming you for their problems, or just lashing out at everyone around them, is easier then actually addressing the issues at hand and working towards fixing those things.

If you're dealing with serious trauma from this person, and this is only my opinion, but you should block them back on whatever channels you're able to. That way if they do unblock you there is a higher chance the NC will stay enforced.

It's good that you're working with a T, they can do wonders for the heart & mind when you're dealing with stuff like this.

Remember your worth, and remember that your mental health and well being should ultimately be of a higher importance than trying to make this person understand, they need to work on themselves to be able to move forward. Self improvement comes from within.

[jazz guitar]

Exercise,  proper diet, focus on hobbies, routine health physical with std test.  Helped tons.  Pretty basic stuff that i neglected and should have kept up on.

[MariannaR]

Hey MariannaR, Presumably there is a reason why you keep hangin' on with this person.  Can you identify what it is?  If so, it might help you to move on.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?

LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim - and yes, I've worked through some of this with my therapist. I believe I was "primed," due to not receiving emotional attention and connection from my mom, who is likely on the autism spectrum.  She couldn't validate my feelings or mirror me, but lo and behold my BPD best friend could do this extremely well (albeit for manipulative purposes).  The therapist and I are trying to get me to focus on my own values, find healthier friends and relationships, and figure out what I want out of life.  Hard journey but this has been a good week - fully NC and busy at home!

[MariannaR]

If you're dealing with serious trauma from this person, and this is only my opinion, but you should block them back on whatever channels you're able to. That way if they do unblock you there is a higher chance the NC will stay enforced.

It's good that you're working with a T, they can do wonders for the heart & mind when you're dealing with stuff like this.

Remember your worth, and remember that your mental health and well being should ultimately be of a higher importance than trying to make this person understand, they need to work on themselves to be able to move forward. Self improvement comes from within.

Thanks for the validation Cnvi - and yes, working with the T is helping tremendously as is really leaning into my relationships with healthy people and focusing on what I want.  (She had me believing I couldn't or shouldn't do anything without her help, approval or micro-control.)  I completely agree that I should block her back - not quite there yet but will try to talk myself into it before she unblocks me (she will, I am certain). 

[MariannaR]

Dear Marianne, I am sorry for what you are going through! I lost my sense of self as an Asperger's partner as well. Trying to relate to someone who just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth is the most dislocating thing in the world.

It is now five years and I am starting to remember the good things about her. To me that is a sign I am healing.

What do you think of finding a therapist? People are saying it is hard with CoVID, but it really does help to make sense of one's childhood.

 

Thank you khibomsis - I am lucky to have found an amazing therapist who was very directive at getting me out of this... and so glad to hear that you are recognizing your healing in letting yourself remember some good things.  When you're in the midst of it, it's so disorienting and destructive to experience the good and invalidating/confusing behavior coming from the same person.  Best wishes for continued healing for you.

[khibomsis]

Thank you Marianne! And best wishes to you too