Duped_312
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 26
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« on: June 02, 2021, 08:34:47 PM » |
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My 6 year relationship ended in February, and we share two little children, 5 months and 21 months.
Since the split, my ex (their father) was seeing my older son a couple times a week bc he temporarily lived with his mom when we ended things, and she takes him twice a week to watch him for the day. Since then, he has moved out and gotten his own place (not suitable for a child), and has no car or license (crashed my car that I gave him, and has an outstanding DWI from last year), so if he were to see our son his mom would have to come get him.
As time was going on, there were no improvements in my ex's actions, behaviors, medication consistency, or therapy. I was never given any positive update of any kind, and he was withholding money that was agreed he would give me to help offset costs of childcare. At first he was withholding it bc "what was I giving him?" We would fight and bc this was still rely soon after us ending, I was reeling from the change and the realizations that were hitting me like a ton of bricks and here he was still just being a POS, so I said you know what.. you may not see the children. Not forever, but for awhile. I explained that his actions and his words show that he doesn't care as much as he should yet. That there have been no behavioral improvements, and that he just isn't healthy enough at this juncture. Not long before that he was posting pictures of his hands and fingers covered in blood from playing his piano keyboard so much. EYEROLL. Freak. Like I'm sorry but no. No child is going to be around someone in that state. So then he was intermittently mad that he couldn't see the kids so he was withholding money for us bc he wasn't seeing them. Essentially, I will get a $100 every couple weeks, maybe, if I ask. He thinks bc he is not seeing them, there aren't costs. By the way, it is important to note that he already has three other children with an ex wife (that he never forgets to remind me that he left her and his children for me), and he is as deadbeat to them as one could be. So there was very little to expect here from him in my own case. We were not married THANK GOD, but also it sort of complicates agreements and legality. I am trying really hard not to go to court to enforce things. He doesn't have a pot to piss in. Like literally. I am lucky I get what I do.
But really my post is about the visitation. Am I justified in restricting visitation with the babies while he is so ill. He has since started therapy and started prozac. That is lovely, but I suspect he is not being honest to his therapist about his actual demons. I still have not heard of any improvements, no job hunt, no progress as far as license. He was complaining about the medication and wanting to stop it, and people were telling him to get over the hump of the prozac and let it do its thing. I still do not feel comfortable with the children around him. To make matters extra fun, he has a seizure disorder and most recently (the day before our relationship exploded), he had one in front of the babies, and almost fell dead weight onto our son on the floor, after trying to take our baby girl from my arms. That was 1 of about 500 things he did in a 48 hour period to destroy our relationship. He last had another around Easter, which I found out later was right before he lied and told me Oh Im doing so much better, Im taking my meds and gaining weight, please take me back give me another chance! Meanwhile, he was most certainly not doing better.
He is too unstable right now. I feel torn. I feel that keeping him from the seeing the kids is harmful to his progress, but I also feel that his lack of progress is harmful to the children. I also feel that he's had children for years with various people and seeing them everyday never positively influenced his behavior or decision making, so why should I feel bad about it doing so now? I flip flop between feeling bad and not caring. My children are my life. He has managed to f*ck up every aspect of my life for years past and years to come as I clean up this mess, the one thing I will not let him f*ck up is these children. I hate his family, I don't want any of them around, I have to put up this fake happy thing like I give a sh*t if they ever see these babies again, and I do it bc they treat them well and they haven't technically done anything to me, so I have to grin and bear it and thats my cross to bear. But when it comes to him, I do not feel that he has earned the right to see these children yet. There were promises and expectations attached to his progress and really none of them have come to fruition, except getting therapy, and it's been like two weeks. I feel that he will have to wait a little longer. I also feel sometimes that I am deprive the babies of their father. He was very fun with my son, I know my boy wants a man around to mess around with and play and rough house. He is surrounded by women and that was what my ex had. His father was gone early on, and he was raised by women. And he's a nut. So I want to make sure that my son has a father in his life. But I want him to have a stable father. My own father was an unstable alcoholic when I was born and for many years thereafter. My mother got me the hell out of there and he rock bottom, and eventually dug his way out. Sober for 30 years. He re-entered my life fully when he was stable. Its been on ever since and we are incredibly close. I didn't need him in my life when I was 2 yrs old and he was unstable and violent and drunk, getting mugged in NYC. I needed him when he was heathy and that really wasn't until I was 14, 15, 16. I have never really looked back to that time when he wasn't around. I always had some male figure around, my mom remarried and divorced ANOTHER TWO times, stable men just aren't in the cards for me apparently. But bc of this I understand the importance and the value of holding someone back from children when they are at their worst, and re-connecting when they're better.
I told the mother that I would arrange time during the summer for them to hang out with the kids. I told him I would allow him to join those times, and I would go to the mall for an hour or something. But like.. that's kind of it. He said okay to that actually, but I know he, and his family, think I am the a**hole for this. I know it. The mother makes comments like she doesnt even have a granddaughter. Like... not one person in that family of his ever said once, that maybe I just needed some space for a minute. That maybe their idiot son crashed two of my cars, choked me, almost killed a baby from a seizure, and lied and stole and wasted for 6 years? That maybe the relationship ending was just KIND OF A LOT, and that maybe JUST MAYBE... I could get a month or two of space without hearing comments like their grandchildren aren't really their grandchildren bc they cant see them. Like we're talking like two and half months. And thats just for one. They still my son as they always have.
I have since spoken to the mom about this, she seemed like she kind of got it, but they are simpletons and truly stupid and cannot compute anything someone even remotely intelligent says, so I dont think she ACTUALLY picked up what I was putting down, but I still made the effort to try.
So any way... What do you think. Am I being unreasonable? Am I playing with legal fire? I have always maintained that he could walk into any family court he wants and ask for visitation. He'd never get it with out supervision, and he says he feels like a criminal and wont do it. So. That's on him, I guess. Any thoughts?
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