seeking advice

[Mom Mommy]

Hello people.  I am broken-hearted as a result of my 14 year old daughter's behavior and disastrous choices. Been dealing with extreme behaviors for a couple of years now. She's always been highly intelligent and possesses impressive musical and artistic talents (all verifiable). She USED TO perform extraordinarily in school.  Hence, no longer.  We receive support at so many levels, but she's only recently (one month ago) been re-diagnosed with BPD - and I suspect narcissistic as well.  This "enlightenment" is first step only, because as I read to understand and cope, it appears that there really is very little light ahead. My/our world has darkened. I am getting so depressed while reading Eggshells; I can only absorb it bit-by-bit (needing a steady diet of good fiction to offset depression; also reading Power of the Subconscious Mind, trying my damnedest to manifest desperately needed miracles). I fear for her future, mine and my husband's. Yet, I'm ever trying to remain normal and hopeful by inundating our home and mindsets with beauty (nature; binaural; isochronic; encouragement...) As parents, we are neither abusive or neglectful (anything but); we hardworking professionals (me - education; hubby - protecting rights of adults with developmental disabilities).  I'm seeking dialogue with other parents who have been steamrolled into the pitch of insanity.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

You came to the right place, welcome!  It is often when puberty starts that other things become more to the forefront.  She has been diagnosed, so can I assume she is still in therapy? 
Yes, I too , found it hard to read on BPD, but you are doing right- take it in little by little.  One important lesson in Stop Walking on Eggshells, is to take care of yourself.  This often gets forgotten when dealing with our kids' illness(es).  While it is heartbreaking, we can be a network for you / means of support - you are not alone .  Please take a look around the forum , look at the drop down menus up above the page. 

[JD2028]

"My/our world has darkened. I am getting so depressed while reading Eggshells; I can only absorb it bit-by-bit ..." "I fear for her future, mine and my husband's..."  "As parents, we are neither abusive or neglectful (anything but); we hardworking professionals (me - education; hubby - protecting rights of adults with developmental disabilities).  I'm seeking dialogue with other parents who have been steamrolled into the pitch of insanity."

I feel the same way about Eggshells. All of the anecdotes from significant others and friends make me despair that this will ever get better. The only hope I have is that we have recognized that there is a problem much sooner than most parents. Hopefully early recognition will translate into earlier treatment

[Mom Mommy]

Thank you for your supportive replies.  It's a comfort to connect with others who understand the reality.  Though receiving therapy, looking for (and may have finally found) those who are best trained in DBT, etc.  I will frequently check back in with this support group (so appreciate this). 

[Oceanfish]

There's so much about your situation that I don't know, so let me just share my own experience.
My daughter wasn't diagnosed until she was in her 30s. She too is very high functioning and lives independently in another city. She has estranged herself from me, citing abuse and a number of things that honestly didn't happen. I grieved the loss and questioned my own sanity at one point, realized she had gotten a diagnosis, and began reading everything I could find on BPD. Sadly, I've become okay with the estrangement. Because she's able to live on her own, I don't have to be involved and it's easier than dealing with the toxicity. I went to Alanon because I thought her behavior was the result of alcohol abuse. I learned to allow her to experience the consequences of her decisions. I realize that when a mental illness/personality disorder is the root cause it's harder to let a loved one be responsible for the outcomes, but it was truly valuable.
If I were to advise you of one thing, it would be to help her get the skills she needs to become as independent as she possibly can. Guide her into a trade that will allow her to support herself. Plant the seed that you won't be taken hostage by her behaviors and accusations and then spend the next few years shaping your relationship so that she has no choice but to manage her disorder with the help of therapists so you can take yourself out of the mix as much as possible.
I would love to have a relationship with my daughter, but that will not be possible under the current conditions. I drew a line in the sand and told her very clearly that I would not tolerate being treated with such disrespect - and I've stuck to it. I'm surprisingly at peace, although it's taken a few years. I could never have imagined that I could let go of  my daughter.