My BPD wife - Risky Impulsive Behavior (acts like it is not?)

[WalkingonEggshel]

So I had surgery last Friday for a hernia repair.  The day I arrived back at home she texted me saying she is still talking to her affair and she is a horrible wife and I should leave her.  I was aware of this because her affair has been showing me the stuff she texts him.  I believe he is fully done with her lies and now trying to enlighten me(doesn't matter either way).  How she tells her conversations with him is obviously not what he is sharing with me.  She told her affair she ended her relationship with me and now has her kids full time because she can apparently get full custody?   In addition he showed me messages from another account on snapchat that has clearly her showing nude pictures and following orders to a "sir" dominant.

Messed up right?  Well to add to that even further, a couple days later she is now under the impression I am her "best friend" who she can talk to about her frustrations with her affair... "he is being an "@sshole" and I'm really upset with him right now."
Couple days after that we are still living in the same house(2 kids) and she is asking me where we stand in our relationship? "Are we together, I don't know what we are and the limbo is hard for me".  I have not really engaged in any of her craziness at all the past week and kind of took a benched approach and let her go through her stuff without giving her anything in terms of emotions .  This is not the first time stuff like this has happened in the same order/timeline.    Is this really a BPD trait or is there a bigger problem here with her? 

I know this is not sustainable for long term however, I am debating how I am going to go ahead with our kids being my main focus.  Optimally if I could leave with the kids and spare them how their mother treats them and myself I would jump on that option.  But my impression is that I am not able to "take" the kids from her or ask her to leave the house.

Loaded vent post I know, I appreciate anyone who reads it.  Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Hey, wow. Lots going on.

Surgery, affair, mental illness, kids, maybe divorce. You doing ok?

Sometimes it helps to explore options and gather information without committing to do anything. Talking to a family law attorney doesn't mean you have to retain one.

We often recommend, even if you decide to stay, that you consult with multiple lawyers so you understand how things work where you live. Just in case. Kind of like having life insurance except this is for landing the plane of your family, especially the kids.

Then, if you feel comfortable, come here and dump out all the marbles and we can share collective wisdom about how we handled things when we were at your stage.

Reading back through your posts, your wife's dx, treatment, unemployment, and affair partners suggests she's not functioning so great, to put it mildly.

She's not just checked out of parenting, she's generating trauma in the kids. Are they getting any therapy? Kids that young can do play therapy and learn skills (with your help) to offset some of mom's behaviors.

It's a tough decision to stay or not. You can gather skills for staying while looking at options for leaving, and not rush into anything one way or the other.

Gathering info isn't the same as jumping out of the plane.

 

[ForeverDad]

Your surgery, and no doubt other events and situations, have been a trigger for her.  All sorts of events can be triggers for a disordered person, from packing for vacation to a holiday to almost anything.

My ex was the opposite of what I expected when I was ill or had a surgery, she behaved nicer, for a while.

[alleyesonme]

So I had surgery last Friday for a hernia repair.  The day I arrived back at home she texted me saying she is still talking to her affair and she is a horrible wife and I should leave her.  I was aware of this because her affair has been showing me the stuff she texts him.  I believe he is fully done with her lies and now trying to enlighten me(doesn't matter either way).  How she tells her conversations with him is obviously not what he is sharing with me.  She told her affair she ended her relationship with me and now has her kids full time because she can apparently get full custody?   In addition he showed me messages from another account on snapchat that has clearly her showing nude pictures and following orders to a "sir" dominant.

Messed up right?  Well to add to that even further, a couple days later she is now under the impression I am her "best friend" who she can talk to about her frustrations with her affair... "he is being an "@sshole" and I'm really upset with him right now."
Couple days after that we are still living in the same house(2 kids) and she is asking me where we stand in our relationship? "Are we together, I don't know what we are and the limbo is hard for me".  I have not really engaged in any of her craziness at all the past week and kind of took a benched approach and let her go through her stuff without giving her anything in terms of emotions .  This is not the first time stuff like this has happened in the same order/timeline.    Is this really a BPD trait or is there a bigger problem here with her? 

I know this is not sustainable for long term however, I am debating how I am going to go ahead with our kids being my main focus.  Optimally if I could leave with the kids and spare them how their mother treats them and myself I would jump on that option.  But my impression is that I am not able to "take" the kids from her or ask her to leave the house.

Loaded vent post I know, I appreciate anyone who reads it.  Thank you!

As I was reading your post, I had a strange feeling. I realized that until I met my ex, I never would've believed that someone could actually act the way your wife is currently acting. Until you live through it, it just doesn't seem possible. I hope you're hanging in there, and I echo what the other posters have said/asked.

Also, has your wife ever acknowledged that she needs to change, or is she like most of our partners in that regard?

[WalkingonEggshel]

As I was reading your post, I had a strange feeling. I realized that until I met my ex, I never would've believed that someone could actually act the way your wife is currently acting. Until you live through it, it just doesn't seem possible. I hope you're hanging in there, and I echo what the other posters have said/asked.

Also, has your wife ever acknowledged that she needs to change, or is she like most of our partners in that regard?

Sometimes she does.  Almost like a flash in the pan where she understands her behavior and feels bad and says I deserve better ect.  Then the next day back to the same stuff.  The smear campaigns are bad now where I have a group of friends that I consider "my" friends/ support from what I am going through.  She has been reaching out to them and wanting to spend time with them.  The husband told me he had to walk away from her as she was spitting crap about me. "two sides to every story" saying doesn't really apply in this situation and I can't help but feel alienated again.

[WalkingonEggshel]

Hey, wow. Lots going on.

Surgery, affair, mental illness, kids, maybe divorce. You doing ok?

Sometimes it helps to explore options and gather information without committing to do anything. Talking to a family law attorney doesn't mean you have to retain one.

We often recommend, even if you decide to stay, that you consult with multiple lawyers so you understand how things work where you live. Just in case. Kind of like having life insurance except this is for landing the plane of your family, especially the kids.

Then, if you feel comfortable, come here and dump out all the marbles and we can share collective wisdom about how we handled things when we were at your stage.

Reading back through your posts, your wife's dx, treatment, unemployment, and affair partners suggests she's not functioning so great, to put it mildly.

She's not just checked out of parenting, she's generating trauma in the kids. Are they getting any therapy? Kids that young can do play therapy and learn skills (with your help) to offset some of mom's behaviors.

It's a tough decision to stay or not. You can gather skills for staying while looking at options for leaving, and not rush into anything one way or the other.

Gathering info isn't the same as jumping out of the plane.

 

I have taken my kids to play therapy and was assured they are doing great.  Parents around the house see the dramatic difference in the kids since her return.  I have done my own soul searching and spiritual awakening since this and have really dived into my own mental health and feel for the most part I am keeping it together and a educated balanced look on everything.

[alleyesonme]

Sometimes she does.  Almost like a flash in the pan where she understands her behavior and feels bad and says I deserve better ect.  Then the next day back to the same stuff.  The smear campaigns are bad now where I have a group of friends that I consider "my" friends/ support from what I am going through.  She has been reaching out to them and wanting to spend time with them.  The husband told me he had to walk away from her as she was spitting crap about me. "two sides to every story" saying doesn't really apply in this situation and I can't help but feel alienated again.

Wow, lots of similarities with our situation. It's like they can temporarily grasp the concept that they need to change, but are completely incapable of even attempting to do so. And you're 100% right - there aren't two legitimate sides to every story when you're dealing with a BP spouse.

[Bri of Ohi]

Holy crap! I thought I was reading a post I unknowingly left here. It was like reading my recent life events.  I feel for you man. All I can say is you're not alone. And it is somewhat of a comfort to hear similar stories and events I too have experienced.  My ex once asked me to call and forgive some dude for cheating with her on me. mind blown...

[ThanksForPlaying]

Last night, ubpdGF asked me to pick up dinner on the way home.  Became enraged at the quality of the food - she had ordered the food and told me where to pick it up because she wanted to try a new place.  Told me "I love you and I'm not mad at you, but this food is terrible" ... etc. etc.  ... threw the food container on the floor, where it exploded and sprayed onto the walls, etc.  Huge mess.  And then she's out the door ... "I need some space" ... "I'm getting my own food."

I just sat on the couch watching the basketball game.  I could tell something was going on because she often "creates" these rages when she wants an "excuse" to go do something "bad" or at least something she knows is inappropriate (cheating, excessive spending, bungee jumping, etc.)  So she left the house.  Came back in stomping through the puddle of food mess which I hadn't touched yet, and then left again.

Later last night, after I'd gone to bed, she returned slightly drunk and crying.  She said one of her girlfriends had told her that her abusive ex-BF was at a restaurant with his new girlfriend.  She did a drive-by and it WASN'T him, but kind of looked like him, and that was a trigger for her that "caused" her to drink too much.

Presumably she already had this errand in mind (checking on her ex-BF) when she created the food-related drama and used that as a reason to leave.  The thing is, I wasn't doing anything to restrict her - she could have just told me "hey I'm going to see if my ex-BF is at this restaurant".  I would have said that's a bad idea, but I wouldn't have stopped her.  She added the additional drama to create a "cover" for her actual drama.

And she sort of, sometimes, seems to understand that's not good, and that I deserve better.  But has no idea how to address that.

[ForeverDad]

I don't know the percentages but I've come to loosely categorize two types of people with BPD behaviors (pwBPD).  (Disclaimer: PwBPD display a huge range of poor behaviors from relatively mild to extremely severe.)

Where a relationship can continue... The poor behaviors are less extreme and the person is willing to mostly abide by reasonable but firm boundaries and sticks with meaningful therapy over extended time in thinking, perceptions and behaviors.

Where a relationship usually doesn't continue... The poor behaviors grow more extreme and the person is obstructive and sabotaging of reasonable but firm boundaries and deny, blame shift and refuse meaningful therapy, or not over extended time, to help improve thinking, perceptions and behaviors.

Which group does your GF lean toward?  Do you have realistic hope she will abide by good boundaries and choose meaningful long term therapy?  What status or changes do you see as you deciding to stay or to go?

[WalkingonEggshel]

Holy crap! I thought I was reading a post I unknowingly left here. It was like reading my recent life events.  I feel for you man. All I can say is you're not alone. And it is somewhat of a comfort to hear similar stories and events I too have experienced.  My ex once asked me to call and forgive some dude for cheating with her on me. mind blown...

She was defending her second affair to me yesterday.  I have to say I am done but terrified of the divorce process and loosing my kids to her.  50/50 is still way to much for me to handle her having them.  I would not be worried if she was a decent enough mother but nope!

[WalkingonEggshel]

The poor behavior is extreme and getting worse.  She lies cheats manipulates.  Then when she gets caught or slows down she apologies for the mild infraction she did but never the big extreme stuff.  She has told me she will continue to do therapy but soon as things go back to normal she reverts to her issue BPD self.

I don't know the percentages but I've come to loosely categorize two types of people with BPD behaviors (pwBPD).  (Disclaimer: PwBPD display a huge range of poor behaviors from relatively mild to extremely severe.)

Where a relationship can continue... The poor behaviors are less extreme and the person is willing to mostly abide by reasonable but firm boundaries and sticks with meaningful therapy over extended time in thinking, perceptions and behaviors.
I think its time to go but I fear for my two little girls being under her care.  She works but is now not working full time and cant seem to keep a job full time.

Where a relationship usually doesn't continue... The poor behaviors grow more extreme and the person is obstructive and sabotaging of reasonable but firm boundaries and deny, blame shift and refuse meaningful therapy, or not over extended time, to help improve thinking, perceptions and behaviors.

Which group does your GF lean toward?  Do you have realistic hope she will abide by good boundaries and choose meaningful long term therapy?  What status or changes do you see as you deciding to stay or to go?