What now?

[EmptyNester]

I feel all alone. My 20 year old daughter seems to hate me, but loves my husband (her father). I feel like I am a trigger for her BPD. She is cutting herself and has even attempted suicide. I feel threatened by her when she’s in the house because she has accosted me before. My husband wants her home with us, even though she has her own place, but I don’t feel safe when her and I are alone in the house. I have lost so much weight, not to mention this is putting a huge strain on my marriage. What am I going to do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I see you are in a very difficult situation. When you have had such an experience it would be awful to bring the stress into your home. It is good that your daughter has her own place - you can help her and still have your own refuge.

How to bring your husband to the same way of thinking. There are resources here that could be helpful - also perhaps attending counselling together? To have someone else involved can often help the other understand your point of view. It would be good if the third party understood BPD.

Personally I think the first thing is to stay strong in protecting your needs. Use 'I' statements in discussion with your husband - 'I understand why you think this is a good idea, but I can't agree for other reasons'.

Secondly I think not to go backwards. Your daughter has made the step towards independence, try to hold that step and support her in making it work as much as you are able. Many people here  - like myself - have tried to hold this line but end up going round in circles with adult child coming home/leaving and round it goes.

Talk to your GP about your situation and it's effect on your health/weight loss etc. I think it really helps to hove people who know and understand what you are going through and can keep an eye on your physical and mental health.

Let us know how things are going. What supports does your daughter have? Do you have regular contact? Are you called to crises very often?

Our lives with our BPD loved ones - and other loved ones - is so complex and challenging. Keep in mind the three Cs - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Looking after yourself is the best way to be there for the long haul.

[EmptyNester]

Thank you so much for your reply, Sancho.

My daughter has been admitted to an institute after two unsuccessful attempts at suicide.  We are not sure how long they will keep her but should find out more today (6/2/21).

To answer some of your questions:

"Let us know how things are going. What supports does your daughter have?"
ANSWER:  Well, before this last horrible, horrible crisis (her boyfriend of maybe six months dying in a car crash while, of course, in the midst of bad terms/argument prior to accident), she was a manager at 7-Eleven and holding down her own apartment, no matter how filled with drama it was - to the worst of the worst being somebody came in the apartment and beheaded two of her dogs.  True or not?  A way to get back in my home?

I will not bore you with many past experiences, as my husband says I always talk about the past -:), but I draw on my past experiences to keep from being hurt again, I think. 
I mean, I'm a 40-year-old female who, in the last three years, has had a brain aneurysm, carotid artery, several strokes at once (I somehow was able to rehab to almost full function bc the stroke happed in small dots instead of a big pie on one side as it normally does -- really simple explanation), and I've had a hole closed in my heart found from the strokes.
But just know that I take her threats, which only I seem to hear, seriously.

"Do you have regular contact?"
ANSWER:  Yes, I do -- well, a call/text, maybe, here and there every other week or so," but dinners w/family on holidays we always try do.

"Are you called to crises very often?"
ANSWER:  Yes, every time we are together as a family unit.

I know I was not a perfect mother, but the hate and turmoil in my way are just downright unbearable.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.  We all are just trying to cope!

[Sancho]

You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers. You have been through so much - and here I am only thinking of your health issues!

Given your health I cannot see how you can have your daughter living full time with you. She has certainly been through a tough time but she was doing well with work and independence - even though the abuse of you still continued.

In a crisis time it is sometimes easier to opt for the simplest solution. If she comes home to you, you start again supporting her towards independence again, and I am sure you will be the target of all that is wrong in her eyes. The stress for someone as fragile as yourself would be awful.

Hopefully there is a way that she can stabilise with treatment and you can work towards her picking up from where she left off.

Please keep us posted on how you are in all this. Sending thoughts and hugs.