coming to terms with it

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have finally been broken open enough and become aware of the extent of my daughter's issues and the futility of trying to communicate with her. In trying to set healthy boundaries, my first question is how helpful or unhelpful it would be to tell her that I am awaiting saying yes to recent needs/demands until I sort out how to best set boundaries. I wonder in particular whether to say that I am starting to study and read about the disorder/disability and need some time to process it. Is naming it before I'm sure she has fully accepted the 'label' helpful ... ?

[MotherSheCallsMe]

I have finally been broken open enough and become aware of the extent of my daughter's issues and the futility of trying to communicate with her. In trying to set healthy boundaries, my first question is how helpful or unhelpful it would be to tell her that I am awaiting saying yes to recent needs/demands until I sort out how to best set boundaries. I wonder in particular whether to say that I am starting to study and read about the disorder/disability and need some time to process it. Is naming it before I'm sure she has fully accepted the 'label' helpful ... ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JD2028]

I don't think you have to use any words that indicate a diagnosis. You can set boundaries because they need to be set, not as a result of her diagnosis.

I've read a few things that caution against telling the BPD person what their diagnosis is because it can become another set of characteristics to adopt- I'm sure I'm not phrasing that right.

In any case, tell your daughter you are working on more effective/less stressful communication with her so sometimes you may have to take some time to respond as you want to choose the right words. 

[willow11]

My daughter did not accept her diagnosis, so I agree, don't put labels on anything. When setting a boundary, be black and white, don't be vague and don't explain. Be firm and clear. Most BPD are highly emotional so you should help them to understand limits/boundaries. Life can be very unpredictable with their mood swings so try to limit those. We did some things wrong...too many meds, not enough therapy talk time. Tell her you love her, alot.  She has to navigate society, that starts in the house. The dialectal behavior therapy workbook is a great tool.