Where do we go from here?

[Shannen]

Hello,
I met my SO almost 3 years ago. We dated for 2 years and have lived together for 10 months. It has been very difficult. My issue is that I have some codependent tendencies...I'm a fixer and an enabler. That being said I am a very independent person who is financially stable raising two teens. I am aware of my limitations and do challenge myself to not rely on him for everything and have balance in my life. Boundary setting is something I need help with as I tend to want to make other people happy and comfortable.
So the issue is that my SO devalues me a lot. He can be critical and very unmotivated in life. He was diagnosed with depression at one point and put on antidepressants for anxiety but he prefers not to be on them as they interfere with sexuality. The biggest issue we have is that he is triggered very easily. This can happen while we work on projects, when I suggest doing something he doesn't want to do, when pressured to stand up for himself, or just for no reason at all. I have tried to be patient and understanding. We have done couples counselling and he has taken a DBT course but nothing sticks. My kids (who aren't his children) are being subjected to seeing me upset when he acts out. This also affects the relationship he has with them as he becomes disengaged from shame after acting out. They want to see me end the relationship. I am also emotionally exhausted from trying to keep him calm and content. We have a great life! So I am debating on whether or not to end the relationship or take a time out. He is on a wait list for an intense 20 hours a week group therapy program that is slated to start in 10 days. He has missed 2 opportunities to begin this program in the past but says he is fully on board this time. He moved out of his place of 20 years last August and cannot go back there as it's rented out until the fall. He has a lot of stuff so moving everything would be a huge job probably requiring a storage unit and him possibly staying with his mother who has been a huge strain in our relationship from day one (she's just a nasty person with mega needs).  He has made progress from the beginning of our time together...doesn't drink as much, quit smoking pot and can actually sit with discomfort to some degree. So my dilemma is do I wait 10 days and see if he starts the program for real? Ask him to leave temporarily (not sure where he will go) and see how serious he is about getting help or just end the relationship and tell him I love him but I can't be with him if he can't get healthy. I know he wants to do better but he just can't seem to regulate his emotions. I have a therapist and I'm willing to work on myself in depth. Thanks for your feedback.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm curious about DBT and couples counseling "not sticking" or "not working".  Can you expand on that?


Oh..I get the exhaustion of trying to keep someone calm/stable.  How long has that been part of your relationship?

I'm positive we can help you sort through these confusing issues.  Please come back often and keep posting.

Best,

FF