New Woman Causing a Lot of Confusion in My Life

[highselfesteem]

 i met this girl and she was flirting with me intensely and trying to get me and get my attention. i am 28 and shes 28. i wasnt really that into her at first but we went on some dates. when i started going on dates with her, her tune changed and she began putting her bag in between of us and talking about other men. like she would show me pics of her going to las vegas with her ex bf and began texting another guy blatantly in front of me. she doesnt respond to my txts always and if i ask her why she didnt respond to me she says things “i dont respond when im in the company of good people” she mentions how she is also seeing another guy and how she comes over to her house and he makes her orange juice and how he has a lot of money. she follows me, unfollows me, and follows me again on social media. when she follows me, she watches every single one of my stories. i went to see her at work today at the taco truck she works at and joked with her that she should text me to come over every time shes working and to give me 50% discount she responded saying “you will never receive such a text from me even i dont get a 50% discount” how do u perceive her behavior toward me? what should i do about her? She told me that she went to vegas with her ex bf and now shes telling me theres guy Mark who likes her a lot and who she spends time with her and texts her a lot. She says she just met Mark. I asked for Mark’s full name and looked him up and he posted a video of him being in Las Vegas at the same time when she was with her ex. Do you think this is just coincedental or do you think there is more history to this Mark guy?N

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arjay]

Greetings and welcome.

How long have you been dating her?   She seems to be showing you a lot of "red flags".  I know you have questions regarding this "Mark guy" which none of us can really answer, but I'm questioning her behavior toward you in general.  It "seems" she has made it clear to you that she is dating others?

Are you blindsiding yourself by continuing to pursue this friendship/relationship?

All the Best

[highselfesteem]

Greetings and welcome.

How long have you been dating her?   She seems to be showing you a lot of "red flags".  I know you have questions regarding this "Mark guy" which none of us can really answer, but I'm questioning her behavior toward you in general.  It "seems" she has made it clear to you that she is dating others?

Are you blindsiding yourself by continuing to pursue this friendship/relationship?

All the Best

I met her since she moved here about a month ago give or take. She does seem to want my attention while insisting she goes on dates with other men. Why do you think shes doing that?

[kells76]

Hello highselfesteem, I want to join with arjay in welcoming you to the group.

Your question here:

She does seem to want my attention while insisting she goes on dates with other men. Why do you think shes doing that?

is one shared by a lot of members. Why does this person I'm involved with exhibit behaviors that don't make sense?

Check out our thread on "Push/pull behaviors", and let us know if you think that's close to what you're experiencing.

And, as arjay suggested, it's a good opportunity to consider the    she's showing you, and decide if you want that in your life.

Keep us posted...

kells76

[highselfesteem]

This is very like this girl.  She demanded that I like her and once I began showing interest in her back, she went as far as going on dates with this Mark guy.  Isn't that a little drastic?

[kells76]

Glad you had a chance to read that thread about push/pull dynamics. Sounds like it's a pretty good fit for what you're experiencing.

So, she might be a person who, instead of talking maturely about feeling overwhelmed/engulfed (like "Hey Highselfesteem, this is really new to me and I'm feeling overwhelmed... how about I call you next Tuesday instead of tomorrow?"), instead makes dramatic, seemingly irrational and relationally destructive choices, to get that equilibrium she needs. Basically, "broadly normal" people can make choices for themselves to take care of their strong emotions, that don't damage others around them. pwPDs (people with personality disorders) have harmfully intense emotions that they often regulate through how they interact with others... often in a damaging, toxic, hurtful way that doesn't make sense. That's part of the disorder.

In regards to your latest question:

Isn't that a little drastic?

well, that depends. To generally normal people who can manage their emotions pretty averagely, yeah, it's drastic/dramatic/excessive/irrational.

To someone with a PD, who might have a core struggle to even feel like they can control anything, and who have harmfully intense, wildly changing emotions... that might be the best they can do. It might look drastic because their experience is drastic.

You might also be interested in learning about how some different PDs overlap. When you described what you noticed as "drastic", that made me think of our educational thread on how BPD and HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder) relate.

...

There's a way in which "what you see is what you get" with her. She's showing you now how she manages her feelings. It involves dramatic, irrational, and possibly hurtful choices. She probably won't change unless she chooses to start and maintain some really specific kinds of therapy.

Given what you're learning, what are your thoughts on staying involved with her?

[highselfesteem]

Glad you had a chance to read that thread about push/pull dynamics. Sounds like it's a pretty good fit for what you're experiencing.

So, she might be a person who, instead of talking maturely about feeling overwhelmed/engulfed (like "Hey Highselfesteem, this is really new to me and I'm feeling overwhelmed... how about I call you next Tuesday instead of tomorrow?"), instead makes dramatic, seemingly irrational and relationally destructive choices, to get that equilibrium she needs. Basically, "broadly normal" people can make choices for themselves to take care of their strong emotions, that don't damage others around them. pwPDs (people with personality disorders) have harmfully intense emotions that they often regulate through how they interact with others... often in a damaging, toxic, hurtful way that doesn't make sense. That's part of the disorder.

In regards to your latest question:

well, that depends. To generally normal people who can manage their emotions pretty averagely, yeah, it's drastic/dramatic/excessive/irrational.

To someone with a PD, who might have a core struggle to even feel like they can control anything, and who have harmfully intense, wildly changing emotions... that might be the best they can do. It might look drastic because their experience is drastic.

You might also be interested in learning about how some different PDs overlap. When you described what you noticed as "drastic", that made me think of our educational thread on how BPD and HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder) relate.

...

There's a way in which "what you see is what you get" with her. She's showing you now how she manages her feelings. It involves dramatic, irrational, and possibly hurtful choices. She probably won't change unless she chooses to start and maintain some really specific kinds of therapy.

Given what you're learning, what are your thoughts on staying involved with her?

The thing is I dont like that Mark is in the picture. Is he going away? If he is not going away, I dont wanna see her.

[kells76]

The thing is I dont like that Mark is in the picture. Is he going away? If he is not going away, I dont wanna see her.

Sounds like one of your values is monogamy in a romantic relationship. Is that close?

Do you see yourself as having control over whether she chooses to involve another guy?

[highselfesteem]

Sounds like one of your values is monogamy in a romantic relationship. Is that close?

Do you see yourself as having control over whether she chooses to involve another guy?

Yes. I dont do any polyamory. If she wants to actually date me, Mark and her ex and whoever else she is annoying me with needs to leave the picture.

[kells76]

It's good to have clarity on your values, and to know what's a dealbreaker for you.

...

Given that right off the bat and out in the open she seems not inclined to monogamy/only being involved with one person at a time...

What is it that attracts you to her?

...

I can give you my unvarnished opinion, which is that if you're seeing this many  right away, and she's right away making choices to show you that she's interested in other people, that's not likely to change. Even if she promised up and down that "he's no longer in the picture", could you trust that? You both seem to have different values surrounding monogamy, and that's pretty huge. It is unlikely that her values will change, and starting a relationship with that kind of fundamental values difference would be an uphill battle at best.

Anyway, food for thought...

[highselfesteem]

It's good to have clarity on your values, and to know what's a dealbreaker for you.

...

Given that right off the bat and out in the open she seems not inclined to monogamy/only being involved with one person at a time...

What is it that attracts you to her?

...

I can give you my unvarnished opinion, which is that if you're seeing this many   right away, and she's right away making choices to show you that she's interested in other people, that's not likely to change. Even if she promised up and down that "he's no longer in the picture", could you trust that? You both seem to have different values surrounding monogamy, and that's pretty huge. It is unlikely that her values will change, and starting a relationship with that kind of fundamental values difference would be an uphill battle at best.

Anyway, food for thought...

The only reason I still tolerate this is because I would personally go on casual dates with multiple people if I am not seriously seeing anyone.  I have no actual proof she is going to be entertaining multiple serious partners at one point in time.  She never said that she does that.  However, she did say she was engaged twice which means she was in two prior dysfunctional relationships.

But the story she is pitching now (including through actions) is that I am not worthy of her attention currently cause Mark is great and I am not.  Its probably a farce to some degree but I am not sure to what degree.