Setting boundaries

[Bluejay12]

Hi all,
So we have been dealing with our 36yo BPD daughter and her narcissist husband for over 2 years now.  Their behavior has been incredibly bizarre.  Scary because they have two kids, a 4 yo and 26 week premie about 3 mos old now.  They have weaponized the 4yo against us and rarely let us see her even though they know she loves us and wants to be with us.  They want us to be controlled and hurt.  We are.  This past week my husband sent them a letter ( since they blocked us from communicating with them) to let them know we can’t continue playing their sick game any longer.  It’s hurting us and the 4 yo.  We have hardly been able to see the baby.  Five minutes maybe.  They are getting worse and using incredibly abusive behavior towards us.  We adore our 4yo granddaughter and spent much of the first two years of her life helping care for her.  Now they take her away.  In a few months ( when we’re useful again) we might be allowed to see her.  Then it will be a bogus reason they should not allow her to spend any time with us again.  She’s nothing more than a ping pong ball for their emotions.  We’ve spoken with a lawyer but not much we can do at this point.  We are much better informed on their respective disorders these days.  Lots of reading and research.  We just feel so saddened and helpless that we can’t help the 4yo, at least.    We had to contact them by letter to tell them we are done with this sick game using a child.  I really don’t know what else we could have done.  We had to set our own boundaries with them or they will keep hurting us.  Appeasing them never worked!  Help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

Bluejay12, how can we help? What do you need most? How did writing and sending the letter make you feel?

One of the hardest parts of estrangement is the hurt. It's extremely painful, and it is unique because you don't get closure. It feels like a waiting game - what is causing you pain is in someone else's control and you never know if or when they'll change their behavior.

The letter you wrote could be a step towards acceptance, which while painful in its own right, can eventually bring about a measure of relief.