Trying to help my adult son realize therapy will ease his suffering

[Dangling]

After decades of not really understanding why my son was so ‘difficult’ it was suggested that maybe BPD was the cause of the angry, frightening, frequent outbursts.
My husband, daughter (bi polar and managing it) and I went to family therapy and my son went to only two sessions with us. He believed we were ganging up on him.That was two years ago. He says he’s willing to go now but when I called the DBT therapist’s office in my area they said they don’t treat families only individuals and that the individual must schedule the appointment themselves.
That’s probably not going to happen since he doesn’t think he needs therapy….only I do.
I’m reading Marsha Linehan’s book and binge watching all you tube videos including some by Dr Fox.
I’m fully aware that my husband and I are part of this difficult problem as well as part of its solution.
Wondering if there are any online therapists/solutions for us.
P.S. My son was in individual therapy for two years in High school but BPD was never mentioned. He’s 29 years old now.
I am talking to a therapist online and have been given suggestions about setting boundaries e.g. telling him he has options: He can take his ‘drama’ elsewhere or go into therapy. But i believe this will trigger his fear of abandonment and precipitate another angry episode.
Any thoughts or suggestions? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Dangling  

So you're saying that your son is willing to go to therapy with you and the family, did I understand that right? Is another therapist an option?

There isn't a magic word to say that will convince him to seek individual healing through therapy. Most of us here have tried . I like what your online therapist shared because I've found through experience that boundary setting is probably the most effective tool we have. It keeps us in our own 'yard,' focused on the things we can control. You can expect a reaction. Boundaries don't usually go over terribly well, even with nonBPD's. It won't be the response your son is used to so it will feel like a jolt. There's not really any way to protect him from feeling that. It will be ok.

What we know to be true is that you're not abandoning him. In fact, you're growing and learning so that you can love him well - that's the opposite of abandonment! He won't understand that part at first, that's common and to be expected. Boundaries never work the first time. Consistency is what makes boundaries effective.

Did the online therapist suggest specific boundaries you might set, or do you have any ideas about where to start?