Looking back at my past 18 months, somehow it feels like one big power struggle... As I've stated I was "the other man", and that skewed the relationship dynamics even more to my detriment... For all the chaotic ramblings about BPD emotions being all over the place, I keep wonder if my ex didn't lean over to the NPD side more strongly... This is what my life was:
tvda, you and I seem to have starring roles in the same film, only with genders reversed. From what you write, NPD seems likely. BPD occurs in comorbidity with NPD more often than not.
Your experiences are harrowing, and harrowingly familiar. I've found it helpful to see that my ex wasn't a bad person, he is simply mentally ill. That doesn't make it better, but it removed a lot of the anger and inspired (distanced) compassion.
- I could never call her. Not even once in 18 months... Because she needed to be secretive. I was always on call, never the other way around. Needless to say, it kept me hooked to my phone screen, just waiting for news from her side.
Same here. I was never able/"allowed" to call my ex. He usually used his part-time, work-from-home job as an excuse for this ("you don't know what it's like to be an employee" -- I do though).
After he dumped me for the first time and then came back, we arranged that in order for us to rebuild trust, we'd talk on the phone every evening. He ended up postponing these calls almost every day, usually for non-reasons like his mother having cooked dinner etc. He often didn't tell me when exactly he'd call. Instead, I was simply supposed to wait for him, often until midnight.
I did this exactly once in return -- I asked whether we could talk at 10.30 instead of at 10 -- and when we talked, he was sulky and complained that "everything had to be about me all the time".
We stopped talking on the phone not long afterwards.
- Everything was about her situation. Her feelings. Her problems. My role was to support her in every way. My emotions never figured into anything.
Same here. And there was
always something: his feelings for the ex-girlfriend he had left for me, issues at work (which were almost always completely avoidable), his inability to complete a minor academic work, him having argued with his father, etc. I had to be there for him 24/7 and he used me as a constant dumping ground for his problems, his anger, his frustrations.
But when I happened to be down and out, which was rather seldom, he was never there. I once called him in tears, because among other things I had learnt that day that an old lady I really love was terminally ill, and also that my pet of seven years was likely to pass away within the next year. Note that I'm not one to cry often, or easily. He was cold: "How often do you have these fits? Do you keep records about them? Isn't your best friend available tonight?"
That was about two months into the relationship, and it shocked me how callously he treated me. When I asked him whether he could come over, still crying, he said: "Well... tonight is somewhat inconvenient."
When he did eventually come over, his demeanour had completely changed. He was suddenly caring and tender, though he said the strange words: "I don't understand what's going on with you, but I see it."
- Complaints from my side were often met with intense and sudden irritation. This always threw me off balance, because she would switch from the love-bombing, future-faking person to zero empathy when things came down to it.
Yes! This! And every calm, sober attempt to set even the most modest boundary was met with "Why are you making such accusations? Why are you creating such drama again? See, this is why I have doubts that this will ever work out" etc.
- Really fundamental complaints and warnings of ending things were always met with a swift "You are right... I'm not treating you the way I should... I need to let you go". This felt so manipulative to me, because it made being with her a losing game: either I put up with the way she treated me, or she would swiftly suggest ending things. The result was that I would back down quickly and even beg her not to give up on us, and that I would try harder.
Also, this! "I'm not good for your needs." (What the hell does that even mean!)
- When I would really suffer (and lose weight), she'd reprimand me for being in such a poor state, and tell me this was not nice and attractive to her.
Very familiar. And it worked the other way around, too: When I dressed nicely or put on makeup, I was reprimanded for doing so. "Why are you so dressed up? Why do you wear so much make-up?" (I wear very little and nothing fancy.) "Don't do that." It was sometimes followed up with "You're so pretty, you don't need it", which in turn was followed by anger when I didn't fawn over this remark.
- She would cause me tremendous unrest and anxiety, and then tell me that I really needed to work on my anxiety and for the love of god find a way to deal with things in a stronger manner.
Towards the end of our relationship, my ex kept telling me that I should see a therapist for my "anxiety" and my "problems". The "anxiety" and "problems" being my wanting to see him twice a week and being unhappy about his lack of commitment.
- If I would "push" her to make choices and move forward (out of her official relationship) she'd instantly tell me that if she felt pressured from both sides in this way, she would just choose "no guy at all" and leave the both of us. Putting me docilely back in my cage of course...
Exactly the triangulation my ex used with his ex-girlfriend and me. (Again, maybe a small consolation, but this likely wouldn't have changed had you two been official -- it would likely only have shifted the roles between you and the other man and nothing more.)
- Time to meet up would of course be decided by her. I was always the one that needed to keep his schedule open and change my plans.
Same here. Towards the end of our relationship, I dared once (!) to make a suggestion of what day to meet up. It was met with fierce aggression, which seemed to come out of nowhere. After seven months of always making time for him whenever he wanted, I dared to suggest "let's meet up on Friday, because on Sunday I have this work commitment". It resulted in a barrage of rage and anger, how it "always had to be about me", how I was trying to "control" him, etc.
It ended in a huge, hours-long argument. He accused me of being selfish and uncaring. When I finally broke down and told him, in tears, about all the times I had shifted around my schedule and my activities in the past few weeks, renouncing activities with my friends, he was suddenly pacified and content. "See, now I understand you better."
We ended up not meeting up that weekend, because as he said, I was still "controlling" him, and he didn't want to be "controlled". (Note: Meeting on Friday instead of Sunday would have made
zero difference to his plans -- of which he had none.)
- She always had a very easy and passive aggressive way to push me out of her life: she would feel confused and lost all of a sudden - often after I made some fundamental remarks about her behaviour, and would need time to really think about this. The message was subtle but clear: criticise me and I'll disappear for a while. She always came back though...
Oh, the infamous disappearing act, the theatrical "I need to sort out my feelings"... this I've witnessed more often than I can count.
- If things got too conflictuous between us, she would say "I can't do this anymore. It's too exhausting... We need to end this..." - cue my obvious retreat and reaction.
My ex would have exactly this reaction about the most minor things. He'd incite an argument, I'd try to solve it calmly and rationally, and then he'd text me things like "I'm perishing in these choppy seas... I can't do this anymore... whatever may come, take care of yourself".
- After conflict she would dissociate or "fake to dissociate", putting me in the "good puppy" corner even more, because when your partner dissociates, the guidebook is clear: make no demands, be there for her, put her at ease, tell her what she's going through is perfectly normal and make her feel safe above all. In the meantime she could just plainly say "I don't feel anything at all anymore."
Oh God, the (fake) dissociation! I didn't realise that was a thing. It would scare me witless to see my ex sit on the sofa with his eyes closed, sometimes with one hand on his forehead like a Baroque noblewoman, lying back in silence for literal hours (!) when we were having an argument. I was expected to sit next to him the entire time, and to patiently wait for his response. If I dared say anything, he would say "I can't... I can't... I need you to be silent" or get up and threaten to leave.
Also the "I don't feel anything right now"... terrible. It was a constant occurrence. Of course this makes you "work harder" for their affections...
It only occurred to me after our relationship had ended that I had enabled this behaviour by unconditionally being there for him, stroking his hair, holding his hand, telling him that everything would be all right etc. It did already feel wrong at the time, but I didn't know what else to do back then.[/list]
