Help? 30 years married, just learned spouse likely has BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

[cross posting, realized that I may have posted in the wrong forum first]

Hi, I've been going to marriage counseling with my spouse for the past few months.  The therapist has done several sessions with us together and a few sessions apart.  Last week, the therapist advised me that my spouse is showing BPD traits.  She has experience working with BPDs. She said she suspected within 15 minutes, and that she confirmed after 10 hours of sessions with my spouse. She is not optimistic about our future prospects as a couple.

I read the books and my spouse checks every BPD (but not NPD) box, literally.  The anecdotes I read were like someone wrote down a description of my life for the past couple of decades.

I looked online for a BPD specialist in my area, and the therapist who currently works with my daughter popped up.  I know him, so I called that therapist and confided in him what I'd heard and read.  He told me that he'd already concluded the same (even though he's not met my spouse) and that he's been treating my daughter with the idea that my spouse is cluster B, likely BPD.

I've spent the last 10 days in deep grief - grieving over the depths of pain my spouse is in and the impact that's had on her life, over the contortions I've put myself through for so long in order to try to fix the pattern and the impact that's had on my life, over the dreams/hopes I have had with her that now seem so distant, and most importantly over the impact that this undiagnosed illness has had on our three children (teenagers and young adults, now).

I've not shared any of this with my spouse.  I told her that I'd support her in getting help (after a recent conflict).  Out of the blue, she responded that she's been seeing a therapist who specializes in part in BPD and DID (which I know is true, I know the therapist) and has confirmed that my spouse does not suffer from those issues. (I understand there could be a couple of reasons why my spouse believes this.)

I'm at a loss.  I'm afraid of taking action and of not taking action, for many reasons. Part of me wants to be strong and walk with my spouse through this.  Part of me wants to reclaim my life now, and let her walk her own path of healing.

It's excruciating to watch and listen to what my spouse does now, knowing the truth of what's behind it.  While I feel so much more compassion for her now, I also feel more protective of myself and my family in the face of her words and actions, now that I have more confidence that her justifying stories are not true.

Thanks for witnessing this.  I'm open to thoughts from others who have been in similar situations.   

[JJW]

[cross posting, realized that I may have posted in the wrong forum first]

Hi, I've been going to marriage counseling with my spouse for the past few months.  The therapist has done several sessions with us together and a few sessions apart.  Last week, the therapist advised me that my spouse is showing BPD traits.  She has experience working with BPDs. She said she suspected within 15 minutes, and that she confirmed after 10 hours of sessions with my spouse. She is not optimistic about our future prospects as a couple.

I read the books and my spouse checks every BPD (but not NPD) box, literally.  The anecdotes I read were like someone wrote down a description of my life for the past couple of decades.

I looked online for a BPD specialist in my area, and the therapist who currently works with my daughter popped up.  I know him, so I called that therapist and confided in him what I'd heard and read.  He told me that he'd already concluded the same (even though he's not met my spouse) and that he's been treating my daughter with the idea that my spouse is cluster B, likely BPD.

I've spent the last 10 days in deep grief - grieving over the depths of pain my spouse is in and the impact that's had on her life, over the contortions I've put myself through for so long in order to try to fix the pattern and the impact that's had on my life, over the dreams/hopes I have had with her that now seem so distant, and most importantly over the impact that this undiagnosed illness has had on our three children (teenagers and young adults, now).

I've not shared any of this with my spouse.  I told her that I'd support her in getting help (after a recent conflict).  Out of the blue, she responded that she's been seeing a therapist who specializes in part in BPD and DID (which I know is true, I know the therapist) and has confirmed that my spouse does not suffer from those issues. (I understand there could be a couple of reasons why my spouse believes this.)

I'm at a loss.  I'm afraid of taking action and of not taking action, for many reasons. Part of me wants to be strong and walk with my spouse through this.  Part of me wants to reclaim my life now, and let her walk her own path of healing.

It's excruciating to watch and listen to what my spouse does now, knowing the truth of what's behind it.  While I feel so much more compassion for her now, I also feel more protective of myself and my family in the face of her words and actions, now that I have more confidence that her justifying stories are not true.

Thanks for witnessing this.  I'm open to thoughts from others who have been in similar situations.   

[mart555]

Out of the blue, she responded that she's been seeing a therapist who specializes in part in BPD and DID (which I know is true, I know the therapist) and has confirmed that my spouse does not suffer from those issues. (I understand there could be a couple of reasons why my spouse believes this.)

What he told your wife and what she heard can be two different things.  What she tells you is a 3rd thing.  And I would even say that what she believes is a 4th thing. 

I highly recommend that you read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321  Then you decide what to do (stay or go, the book doesn't decide for you). 

If you decide to hint that you want to leave, cover your ass. Record and document. It can turn really nasty.   Also read "splitting" by Bill Eddy.

Read some of the posts in this subforum, you'll see the thought process of people, including me.  "I can save her! She'll never do this to me" to "I spent the night in jail after she called the cops" and other horror stories. 

Keep in mind that many of us made it work for years..  I was in there for 19 years without realizing it so consider yourself lucky of being able to decide early on and being aware of it.   

[MeandThee29]

Our mutual therapist had diagnosed BPD/NPD without telling my ex and was trying to work with him when he quit therapy after a suicide attempt. We separated, and chose to take off many states away and leave me with the chaos. We were supposed to work on reconciling long-distance by phone and email, but that of course was a foolish dream. He refused all counselling and accountability and expected me to somehow make it all better. As if I had not tried every which way to make it work and had secretly gone to therapy for years trying to "stay well." There were also drugs involved, FWIW.

After he decided not to come back to this area and wanted the house sold, our mutual therapist told me the diagnosis. That of course put me into a spiral that took awhile for me to find my way out of. Ultimately the house was sold, and six months later he wanted a divorce if I wouldn't reconcile on his terms. His terms were truly crazy, and of course I had no idea what his mental state was by then. So we divorced. It was a mess. My attorney said a few months for the legal parts because we had already been separated long enough and had no custody, real estate, or business issues. Nope. Over two years before I could close my file with my attorney. My attorney called it "memorable and unprecedented."

Yes, it is sad. His attorney had a very hard time with my ex and was concerned that my ex was going downhill mentally and might be suicidal. He talked a lot to my attorney about that concern. It was a long-distance, no face-to-face divorce, so it was hard to know what was going on. Then it was all over. I haven't heard from him in some time. I hope he's OK, but have no desire to be in contact.