Raging in public

[Soulache]

Hi,

This is my 1st post so please bear with me if I fumble too much ( and feel free to advise me). I am the mother of a 40 year old woman who states I have ruined her life, that she 'doesn't want me in her life, is glad Im finally "...getting the message," screams at me openly, in public, with my grandchildren listening (ages 3 & 5), stating I am "mentally ill." (FYI, my daughter is married, happily, to a wonderful and loving, calm man, they have 3 sons, and are financially well-off. My daughter is in the process of quitting her job too because she's "unhappy as a nurse and not sure why" she chose this filed in the first place. (so this is current background info).

This was just a week ago, at my grandson's little league game, and the incident that has driven me to finally ask for help.

During the last 5 years she has been outright nasty, cold, distant, unresponsive/dismissive (refuses to answer emails or texts about childcare etc) and even cruel, feeling it's totally ok to scream and berate me for whatever injustice she feels at the time -- never am I allowed a rational retort bc that is considered "an excuse" not an explanation. Lately I've noticed that there's a new, bizarre component to her accusations -- they seem almost delusional as they are SO FAR from the truth. I am not heard...I am either dismissed or made to feel invisible until I leave the premises. This is not only hurtful but embarrassing, and has gotten worse over the years (never in public before -- this is brand new behavior). I could go one forever but I think I'll end here. I can't sleep, my husband an I both are feeling like she's going to advocate for total cut-off with her husband (from our grandsons), and we live in fear of her every day. Please help.

Thanks for listening,
soul-ache

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

You have come to the right place. What you describe is our experience with our BPD children.

I understand your anxiety about what is going to happen - things have been getting worse, you are being targeted and publicly abused. Just a few questions to understand your individual situation:

Has your daughter been formally diagnosed and has she ever had any treatment?
Has the abuse got worse since the children were born or little?
Do the children respond warmly to you when you are in their company - ie you are with your daughter and the children?
Does your daughter act this way in front of her husband? Your husband ie her father?
Do you have regular contact or childcare arrangements?

Sorry for all the questions.

I live with BPD dd and her daughter. For many years dd was not here a lot of the time, so it was pretty okay - just having to steer my way around the crises as they occurred. Now she is here a lot of the time.

The borderline mind strays into unreality. In my case dd is fixated on me 'stealing' her dd - even though she comes and goes and I have been the stable, responsible one in the child's life. But this is how her distorted way of thinking works.

There are lots of resources here that can help you understand BPD and how to  be in relation to someone who has it. I also think that by stepping back and trying to see what the triggers are - they seem to come out of the blue unless you step back and look closely - and then think about what you can do to negotiate your way around things.

For example, I don't initiate conversation - at least one other person here does the same. I never make a suggestion to dd - sometimes I forget and then I realise why I don't do that!

I hope you keep coming here. The best thing for me is knowing there are so many others dealing with the same awful situation.