The 3 hardest things post break up

[B1987]

Hi all

I'm currently struggling a great deal after my undiagnosed BPD gf ended our 4 year relationship by text. I've tried to identify the top 3 things that are causing me the most pain and difficulty and thought I'd list them below. Feel free to let me know what you think and I could really do with some help on how you deal with and get over these issues.

My 3 most painful issues:

1) CONSTANT RUMINATION OF HER BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE - Is there anything more painful after a breakup? I cannot stop thinking about who she's with. Are they doing what we did. Is it better than what I offered. These thoughts are tearing me up inside. They stop me eating, sleeping and I'm hit with these thoughts at every turn. How do you get past this and let it go?

2) LONELINESS/BOREDOM/MISSING MY EX - I've bunched these together as they tend to feed into each other. I miss my ex so much I can't bear it. In turn, I have absolutely no interest in anything so get bored and feel so lonely without her. The days are so long and painful - and evenings are unbearable.

3) FEAR THAT I CAN'T MOVE ON - I really want to move on but I just feel crushed and completely lost without her. I fear this is going to affect and haunt me for the rest of my life. She'll never leave my head and I'll never get myself back again. It's been nearly a month since I saw her but everything seems so wrong and pointless.

I'm sorry if this sounds so negative, I'm just in a really bad place right now and am unsure how I'm going to get through it.

[shopgirl26]

Hi B1987,

I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time right now. I'm right there with you. This is the worst part. It will get better. I know that's not always helpful to hear, but I know I need to be reminded.

Your brain and heart and body grew accustomed to a certain routine. Your ex was home to you, as my ex was home to me. Your ex meant security and forever to you, you had visions for the future. All of that has been uprooted and it will take time for your body to adjust. You're in a state of shock now. I understand. I miss my ex something fierce despite all the pain she caused me in the end. Even though I can finally sleep after 8 years of insomnia. Even though I have peace in my own company and in the company of friends. I still miss checking in with her, laughing with her, cooking dinner with her. I understand the rumination. This is really hard.

You have to grieve for all that you've lost. This will be the worst part of the whole process but know that every day that comes and goes, you are coming through it. Every night you go to bed, you have made it through another day.

I'm four months out at this point. At first I felt like I couldn't function. Now I have a new apartment in a new city, a new job, my friends around me, but there are still some mornings I would give anything to blink and wake up back in our house, married, with our dogs.

Hang in there and know that you have our full support. We understand what you're going through. I have every faith you're strong enough to get through to the other side.

[B1987]

Hi Shopgirl

Thank you for that response and reassuring me about the grieving process. You really captured how I'm feeling - thanks for understanding. The way you described instances where you'd love to be back with her was so touching.

Thanks again and stay strong!

[B53]

Hi B1987,

I’m sorry that you are feeling so much pain. Sadly many people on this site have been in your shoes. I remember when it was painful just breath, to even exist. I wish there was an easy fix or a magic word that would take your pain away. It may be difficult to believe but it will/does get better.

I searched out many articles to help me cope during the early stages. What I found was interesting. There is more to it then just your three painful issues.

I have attached an article, that even though it may not take your pain away, it will let you know that what you are feeling is normal, after loosing someone that you loved dearly.

Be kind to yourself. You are not alone. There is a BPD family here that will do their best to help you through this.

B53

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/is-your-brain-breakup

[EZEarache]

I'm just in a really bad place right now and am unsure how I'm going to get through it.

I was on the phone with the cable guy while on the way over to my ex's house to visit my son. I had just moved in to my new apartment, and needed to set up internet, etc. The cable guy asked if I was excited about my new place. I wasn't and explained my situation. He said, "Give it three months and it will get better."

It's been about 4.5 months now, and I feel a lot better. I still struggle with acceptance, but a month is not really enough time to fully grieve the relationship.

One thing that really helps me through this (and every breakup) is strenuous exercise. I try to climb 3-4 mountains a week. I usually feel a lot better when I get up to the top, or finish the hike.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

[B1987]

Thanks so much for the responses. I have told myself to give it 6 good months of recovery and until then to just keep going.

[Rev]

Thanks so much for the responses. I have told myself to give it 6 good months of recovery and until then to just keep going.

Best way to go -  in six months you will be in a different place - maybe not exactly where you want to be, but in a place different from now.  From there, you have the opportunity to re-evaluate and plot the next course - and so on.

During this time, I found in really helpful to educate myself on what I had suffered.  It didn't heal me, but it did prevent me from ruminating quite as much.  The ruminations come from lack of closure, like a computer that keeps buffering. The toughest part of these kinds of relationships is to get the closure one needs - I found that I just needed to come to my own sense of closure. The education really helped.

If you are into pop-psychology, Dr. Ramani has a good video on ruminations.

Hang in there.  It may not feel like it - but it does get better.

Rev

[B1987]

Thank you, Rev! I just miss her so much! I'm hoping that will lessen as time goes on although I think a part of me will always yearn for her, and that makes me both sad and worried for my long term happiness.

[Rev]

Thank you, Rev! I just miss her so much! I'm hoping that will lessen as time goes on although I think a part of me will always yearn for her, and that makes me both sad and worried for my long term happiness.

Which is why you would be well advised to stay in the moment as best as possible. Best way to spin your wheels is to think too far in advance... looking too far ahead is like hitting the gas too hard trying to get unstuck from snow or soft ground. 

A good therapist or counsellor can work with you to build those skills.

Rev