19 yr old daughter

[Frida24]

Hello. We have a 18-year-old daughter diagnosed with chronic anxiety and depression. She is under medication treatment and CBT therapy. Her behavior though closely resembles a person with BPD. Every article we have read about this illness described her to a "t".
I won't bore you with details about what she has said and done to us over the last four and five years but it has been hellish. She is rude and disrespectful to her father and grandfather, does not have friends, remains in her room most of the time, and expects us to cater to her every need and want. When things do not go her way, she lashes out, insulting us and inventing stories for others to feel sorry for her. She never apologizes or shows remorse. I feel like she has turned into this monster that I cannot recognize. We are at the end of our rope with her.
Looking for ways to obtain tools or coping skills to deal with a person with her illness, I stumble upon this forum. I hope that reading through the posts can give me some tips on how to communicate with someone like her and how to take care of ourselves and lose ourselves in the tornado of her mind.
Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi Frida24,
Well, I don't have any advice or insight, but I wanted to write you a note and say "I relate."  My step daughter was 19 when I met her Dad.  She's 26 now, married with 2 kids under the age of 3.

She was living with her Dad, her parents had just split, when I met her Dad and thus her.  There were definetly some signs early on.  She moved in with her Boyfriend (now husband) and his parents because "I was a bad influence on her dad."  They are super religious, I won't say it's a cult, but it's one of the stricter religions (no surprise, as she pulls this moral superiority thing on everyone).  She does not drink, except with her sister when it suits her (most of the time spent with us has been bad mouthing the sister).  She has just a handful of friends, they are mostly her husband's as far as I can tell.  The moving out - this was done with high drama, one day when my husband was a work, she left and all her things were suddenly gone.  She sent some texts to let him know he screwed up.  I think moral reasons were brought up, like I was sleeping over.  I was also going to make her Dad go into complete mental melt down, as she was his "best friend" and knew I wasn't good for him.  He did make the mistake of getting baptized in her church...(another story, but you can see the enmeshment before I came along).

  It's hard to write this, it sounds like I'm making it up.

Fast forward 7 years.  She disowned her Dad last year because he wouldn't divorce me.  We are also not allowed to see the granddaughters. Did she not speak to us this entire time?  No, it was off and on for the past 7 years.  We did break up once for a week because I texted her (this was before I married her Dad) and she took offense.  Dad took her side.

now it's kind of comical

We have moved on and are no longer a hostage to her tirades.  It did take marriage counseling and a lot of tears, sweat and anguish to get to this point.  It helps my Mom is BPD, so when our marriage counselor suggested it, it was like an Ah-ha moment.

good luck, I'm hear to listen

b

[akiceman]

Hello Frida24.

Welcome. Please know that you are not alone. My 18 year old daughter w BPD moved into her boyfriend's parents home in March (we were taken by surprise) and wouldn't have graduated had I not taught at her school. She is refusing to talk to my wife and myself (we are on the "bad" list as of 2 weeks ago).

It is tough having a child with BPD whom grinds you down and everything is "your fault". I'm sure most, if not all, of us have gone through something similar what are going through now. Some advice I have is to talk to others who know what your family is going through. I have also found that a modified 3 C's are very helpful for me, though I often have to repeat them to myself a few times a day:

1. I didn't cause her BPD
2. I can't control her actions or feelings towards me
3. I can't cure her of BPD

Finally, even though I KNOW it's easier said than done, please make sure you are taking care of yourself. You can't pour on someone if your bucket is empty. Hope this helps a little.