Do I tell my family/friends? Those with BPD or parents with BPD, would you find this would hurt you?
In my experience, telling people about a loved one's likely BPD hasn't had much success, for a few reasons.
1.
Family's are inclined to triangulate. This includes all of my MIL's family, who already has a belief about who she is, and why she is that way. I will not tell them.
2. When I was calm, stable and about two years in, I finally did tell my mom about the probable diagnosis. I needed someone meaningful outside of my immediate circle to know. My message: "It is likely that MIL has BPD, at least that is what the counselor believes can explain much of her behavior. It means she feels everything intensely and has trouble regulating her emotions. I've studied the disorder to better understand, and I learned to set better boundaries."
I stayed pragmatic and factual and let my mom know that I was taking steps to address it. If I sobbed and cried and told my mom how difficult it had been, or I kept her posted on altercations, it may have prompted my mom to want to come to my defense...more harmful than helpful.
3. The last person I mentioned the potential diagnosis to was my H, who has been extremely resistant to hearing anything negative about his mom. When I finally did, it had been weeks since we fought about it and we were both more calm.
I was surprised and underwhelmed at his blank look - he said it wouldn't matter even if she did have BPD, that was his mom. And he changed the subject. He's not ready.
in case I open the flood gates. Maybe I should just stick to this forum and a therapist.
I waited until I was stable and knew the floodgates wouldn't open. I stuck to my therapist and this site, too. I'm
so glad I did all of that.
I'm worried my partners brother and his fiance will be angry that we've held onto this information.
Do you think they've seen any of her behaviors? If your future SIL comes to you to share frustrating MIL behavior, a solid approach may be to share how you've addressed that same behavior.
Telling people about an unofficial diagnosis sometimes backfires and doesn't always have the effect we intend. Sometimes we unintentionally hand them a burden and make them feel like they need to worry or take care of us. Sometimes we're ripping off a band-aid and they're not ready for it. Sometimes we're handing them information to fuel their dislike, because they're not committed to understanding BPD. Not saying do or don't, just some stuff to think about.
pj
