Tomorrow will be One Year since the major fight, and she is slowly being erased

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 
So tomorrow is one of the days the relationship and fight was over. How I remember it was the day John Lewis died. I came back from an errand she wanted to do - since she had a UTI (from me) and I was getting calls and texts on my Instagram over a photo I posted about potato chips which tasted like it was from a local pizza place in the city. This was also the day she choked me with a charger cable.

Flash forward to today, most of my memories of her and everything else associated with her in my mind has been erased. maybe a small memory here or there. In my head, I see an empty room. It has those fake wood paneling (70s style) and red carpet. The room is completely empty, except for a white telephone (wall mount) which was disconnected and is off the hook.. The room looks like it was vacuumed. The room looks like Its been cleaned of everything. The room feels cold and dark , just a hollow shell...

It the worst feeling of them all... Worse than being with her and the last few weeks with her...

[legalboxers]

 
So tomorrow is one of the days the relationship and fight was over. How I remember it was the day John Lewis died. I came back from an errand she wanted to do - since she had a UTI (from me) and I was getting calls and texts on my Instagram over a photo I posted about potato chips which tasted like it was from a local pizza place in the city. This was also the day she choked me with a charger cable.

Flash forward to today, most of my memories of her and everything else associated with her in my mind has been erased. maybe a small memory here or there. In my head, I see an empty room. It has those fake wood paneling (70s style) and red carpet. The room is completely empty, except for a white telephone (wall mount) which was disconnected and is off the hook.. The room looks like it was vacuumed. The room looks like Its been cleaned of everything. The room feels cold and dark , just a hollow shell...

It the worst feeling of them all... Worse than being with her and the last few weeks with her...

[Cat Familiar]

Who is erasing her?

[legalboxers]

Who is erasing her?

my mind... slowly.. Its holding on for dear life..

[Cat Familiar]

Would you prefer to hold those memories in full detail as if they happened yesterday?

[legalboxers]

Would you prefer to hold those memories in full detail as if they happened yesterday?

It’s how I cope

[pursuingJoy]

Anniversaries have a way of making us relive the past. How do you plan to spend your time today? In addition to grieving and releasing the past, can you add something to the empty space that reflects hope and direction?

[khibomsis]

Aw LB, anniversaries suck. All the same, congratulations  You have survived a year.
I think you should to look at your need for drama, though. Because really what I  hear you saying is that you would rather be strangled with a cable than abandoned. Do I have that right?
I know when me and my ex transitioned from partner to friends, and I did some serious work on myself, what began to dissappear was the drama. We are both in therapy and with changes on both sides she dysregulates less and less. And yes, I found myself getting slightly bored now and then. I had to ask myself why I was acting crazy?
Turns out that push-pull stuff is intermittent reinforcement which can become addictive. If we have grown up with chaos also, we might want to recreate it because it is what we know. That is called repetition compulsion and is a thing which nearly destroyed my life. These days I understand 'boredom' to be what is normal for other people. My adrenalin levels are slowly calming down and I am learning to enjoy the peace. 

PJ gives good advice. Think of what you can do today to enjoy life! And how much better it will be in a year's time unstrangled.
 

[legalboxers]

Anniversaries have a way of making us relive the past. How do you plan to spend your time today? In addition to grieving and releasing the past, can you add something to the empty space that reflects hope and direction?

Nothing can fill that empty space. One of two songs are there. Matchbox 20 - If your gone..
♫ bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
And I bet you need more than you mind

and of course Daughtry -Live After You..
♫All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinking that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

I heard these songs the other day in my car and I pulled over and I could not stop crying. Like full on ugly crying. whats worse. I was eating the last meal I really had with her.. McDonalds. This is why I really cant eat a cheese burger, or even Dominos Pizza. I get full flashbacks. Its Scorched Earth.

I had a date last Friday. It was my moms former co-workers Daughter. I crushed on her so badly. I so badly wanted to be with her. But my heart hasnt healed. I told no one about this.

[legalboxers]

Aw LB, anniversaries suck. All the same, congratulations  You have survived a year.
I think you should to look at your need for drama, though. Because really what I  hear you saying is that you would rather be strangled with a cable than abandoned. Do I have that right?
I know when me and my ex transitioned from partner to friends, and I did some serious work on myself, what began to dissappear was the drama. We are both in therapy and with changes on both sides she dysregulates less and less. And yes, I found myself getting slightly bored now and then. I had to ask myself why I was acting crazy?
Turns out that push-pull stuff is intermittent reinforcement which can become addictive. If we have grown up with chaos also, we might want to recreate it because it is what we know. That is called repetition compulsion and is a thing which nearly destroyed my life. These days I understand 'boredom' to be what is normal for other people. My adrenalin levels are slowly calming down and I am learning to enjoy the peace. 

PJ gives good advice. Think of what you can do today to enjoy life! And how much better it will be in a year's time unstrangled.
 

No.. I got the other side of the spectrum. My mother. Im trying to find a house and shes not even being helpful. If you ask her about some witchcraft in this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Supermarket-Super-Gardens-Jerry-Baker/dp/0922433879

She will spew it out verbatim since her garden is more important than anything on the planet...

Then there was no italian salad dressing. It was the end of the world for her, she pouting - stomped her feet for 2-3 hours (shes 85 yrs old). So I get no break or respite. She then accused me of "talking" about her to my primary doctor who knows her. For God sake he asked about me and my health, I get his ear for at least 10-12 mins to see whats going on and hes off to the next patient. Which I dont mind Im in and out. 

[legalboxers]

***UPDATE***
I get an unknown number.. its HER.. She calls me crying.. She wants to be with her mom... Today... 1 yr anniversary.. I cant I want to be happy. She killed me.. buried me.. and is bringing me back up...

[grumpydonut]

Legal,

I feel like you have been here before! If you don't protect yourself, you're going to go back to where you were about 6 months ago. Is that what you want?

[khibomsis]

Hey LB, still praying for you.
Take a deep breath. Now another one. And then another one.
Time for a reality check: she is in a new relationship. She calls you when he is busy and cannot give her the narcissistic supply she needs. She doesn't care about your well being. If she did she would not behave like that.
Don't answer the phone. Call a therapist instead. If I were you I would sort out my FOO (family of origin issues). Then she would cease to have a hold over you.
Grumpy asks a good question. Please have some compassion for yourself!
 

[legalboxers]

Legal,

I feel like you have been here before! If you don't protect yourself, you're going to go back to where you were about 6 months ago. Is that what you want?

Grumpy... I was completely over her. She just popped back up. She kept me on the phone until 3am.. She called me at 9pm... To boot.. She was sloshed on peach sangria. 

[legalboxers]

Hey LB, still praying for you.
Take a deep breath. Now another one. And then another one.
Time for a reality check: she is in a new relationship. She calls you when he is busy and cannot give her the narcissistic supply she needs. She doesn't care about your well being. If she did she would not behave like that.
Don't answer the phone. Call a therapist instead. If I were you I would sort out my FOO (family of origin issues). Then she would cease to have a hold over you.
Grumpy asks a good question. Please have some compassion for yourself!
 

I blocked her and I pushed her out. She harps about the person who called me. And shes like "dont talk to other people when Im with her" people call me out of the blue. People ghost me and show up at the most inopportune time. She thinks it was "intentional" and I set it up for them to call me.

I never expect people to call me out of the blue. I keep people at arms distance. But she dont get it. She thinks that "one mistake - throw the baby out with the bath water". since she went through this, and if one guy does it, then everyone is to be blamed.

Because of one mistake her husband did (who she left and is living on her own - as you seen in previous posts). every other guy cant do anything and walk on eggshells.

[legalboxers]

Hey LB, still praying for you.
Take a deep breath. Now another one. And then another one.
Time for a reality check: she is in a new relationship. She calls you when he is busy and cannot give her the narcissistic supply she needs. She doesn't care about your well being. If she did she would not behave like that.
Don't answer the phone. Call a therapist instead. If I were you I would sort out my FOO (family of origin issues). Then she would cease to have a hold over you.
Grumpy asks a good question. Please have some compassion for yourself!
 

And to boot, the day of her birthday she is always in her room, and I brought her balloons, she in literally in my face. So I pushed her away since she was in my personal space. She got mad at me and said "You ruined my birthday because I shoved her" You are 2 inches from my face screaming at me about the same PLEASE READ you have on repeat 100x over. I know what your saying and now your literally in my face screaming. And saying what I did was malicious, since I broke her rule what she said. She thinks everything was malicious and I did it just to spite her.  What she dont get is, everyone is not like her ex. People do things and its by accident. But she dont get it

[khibomsis]

Dear LB, I am sorry for the misunderstanding! How are you now? What is your own assessment of the situation?
It be very hard for you to have two dysregulations close together from the two most important women in your life. Yes, unfortunately circular arguments while drunk on sangria are not going to end well.  What are you doing to tke care of yourself today?
 

[legalboxers]

Dear LB, I am sorry for the misunderstanding! How are you now? What is your own assessment of the situation?
It be very hard for you to have two dysregulations close together from the two most important women in your life. Yes, unfortunately circular arguments while drunk on sangria are not going to end well.  What are you doing to tke care of yourself today?
 

I think the board blocked a portion of my message. On her birthday, she was in my face, screaming. I pushed her away - she literally was violent. She acted like I physically hit her. She said my actions were malicious. Because she told me not to do xyz, my actions were "malicious" and purposely out to hurt her. She was harping about that this morning before I took mom to K-Mart. One of the last K-Marts in the area.  So I did that all day, including taking mom to a Dollar Tree and a Walmart. At Walmart someone hit my car (was parked), this with my back issue. As I type this - I am laying in bed in pain from my pain. I dont know what to do.

[grumpydonut]

Legal,

You know what to do!

[legalboxers]

Legal,

You know what to do!

plan is in place

[khibomsis]

LB, how  are you doing? Well done on making a plan! 
What is the plan? We are happy to support you though execution.
 

[legalboxers]

Im singing this..
♫I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself...

[khibomsis]

Sing away, LB! Excellent plan.How about adding some exercise to the mix?

[legalboxers]

Sing away, LB! Excellent plan.How about adding some exercise to the mix?

broke back vacuuming and dusting

[khibomsis]

  you're cleaning  that is always my go-to sanity maker. A human who cleans is headed for mental health. I am sorry about your back, but very happy about the housework!

[legalboxers]

you're cleaning  that is always my go-to sanity maker. A human who cleans is headed for mental health. I am sorry about your back, but very happy about the housework!

my mom trained me well