Suggestions needed for handling 19 yr old BPD daughter’s home/rent

[Mamazette]

I’m new here….
And new to the realization that some of my efforts to support have made things worse - or ‘fed the monster’ of BPD. I’m doing some serious personal reflection on codependency.

The issue (today!) is my rental home. I have allowed my daughter to live in it since last fall with the understanding that she would work up to paying a discounted rent, take basic care of the home and have a roommate. BUT, she has gone through two roommates, hasn’t been able to hold down a job consistently, has paid no rent and the home looks like a flop-house…. Any input from me on ideas to remedy ANY of these issues is met with her being ‘overwhelmed’ and becoming suicidal.

She has access to great resources: DBT therapy, vocational therapy, supportive parents and grandma. Job opportunities are offered. She doesn’t want to go to school or work. She is inconsistent with therapy appointments. She wants to hang out with friends, smoke her medicinal marijuana and scroll through social media. Everything else ‘overwhelms” her. She is now not even staying at the home, although it is full of her things and filthy. She is staying at her dad’s because she feels unstable.  His place is temporary and I am away for the summer.

I can’t afford to keep carrying the cost of my rental home with no income coming in from it. What do I do? How do I navigate this with her emotions and lack of motivation? How do I maintain boundaries and stop enabling her when she has no money, no job and no place to go?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

mamzette,

If you really need soneone to tell you what to do, you already answered that.  You can't afford for her to not pay rent, so you move her stuff out and rent the place out. What does your ex-husband think?

b

[Leaf56]

If she's already at her dad's, can you pack up her stuff, change the locks, and take her stuff to her and tell her that you can no longer afford to have her live in your rental and that you'll be putting it on the market ASAP so you have to get it cleaned up for the photography in order to show it and rent it?

[Sancho]

Hi Mamazette
My story is the yours. At around that age, I tried to help BPDdd to independence by setting her up in a rental etc. She started out being pretty conscious of paying rent etc. But that desperate need to have friends etc meant that it became the 'free' drop in place for lots of others.

After a long, long journey - she is now 31 - she has been back home for one year now. At one point she moved out of the rental and I 'swooped', to fix it up and sell it. She then lived with various boyfriends on and off for these years. When it didn't work I would get the frantic call to come and get her. So she was here quite a lot, but there was always the sense she would move in with a new boyfriend.

I wish I knew then what I know know about BPD and I wish I had the attitude/skills I have now. I lost so much money, used up so much emotional energy etc.

It is not easy now, but at least I am able to step back now and see us as having parallel journeys even though we live under the same roof.

My boundary (the 'line' that protects me) is the following:

I am willing to offer a roof over her head here with me (she is nowhere near at a point of being able to care for even a small unit), so she has a safe place and food.

I am gradually withdrawing $$ support so that I have complete control of my income. (she has a disability income; when she was staying with bfs I was always being asked for money and to be honest I think part of me giving money was to 'buy' a peaceful space for myself.

I care for her daughter, and step back to let her take this role (gd and I understand that if I seem to be involved, her mum gets angry) I get her to school and keep an eye on the child's welfare generally.

I keep a mental distance from dd even though we live in a really small house. She gets angry but controls it better now her daughter is here full time. I don't initiate conversation unless I need to.

I wish I had been able to be alongside dd in this way all these years. It would have saved me so much stress and so many $$. I think I saw 'letting go' could only happen if she was taking up her own life somewhere else, and I tried really hard to support that, even bring it about. I didn't see that she was not really able to do that.

So here we are! I hope it works out for you. Perhaps spending time with you, time with her dad might work at the moment?

It is such a stressful journey and you are in my thoughts.

[losttrust]

Thank you Sancho. Very honest and valuable share.  I’m at the —here we go again.  He’s moving yet again with a new job yet again. So crashing here yet again for a week.  I helped with some but not all costs.  My fiscal help is tied to consistent work. I don’t care how many jobs he goes through or where he works just so long he’s working the majority of each month - idle time isn’t good for him.  I recently sold the car I bought him after he obtained too many tickets in a 3 year period and a SR1 filing for points. Costs of tickets plus my liability if he harms another due to his poor choices to drive so fast? No thanks. Bus, Lyft Uber walk - ride share. Lots of options.  Cars are a privilege. One he list. Consequences to his actions/choices. Much like you did the housing.  And After 2 leases where security deposits were not returned,  yet antler consequence,  I no longer co sign a lease either. He is searching for a room in a house or condo with utilities included so he has 1 bill monthly to pay.  He has resources yet for therapy, CBT /dbt help if he chooses to follow through. He’s not on meds.  I pay for medical insurance, dental vision and his phone bill. He’s been given new lap tops, designer clothes, watches and sunglasses. Air pods ect - All go missing  shortly after given. So I stopped those sort of gifts. He stoped marijuana vape as he’s broke. I’m learning what works is to give him gift cards but not cash. Nothing worth selling. And I time my fiscal deposit now with rent due date.  He gets just enough to survive.  Gifts are new shoes, plane ticket home, credits for door dash.  Lyft rides.  When he visits, it’s like a tornado hit. But I know it’s temporary so easier to enjoy the time he’s here. -  And I too admit I see my fiscal contribution is a means to my own peace and sanity.  I can and do block his text and calls if they go into rants or threats or contain vile language.  And I’ll often block him at night. Just easier. I get proper sleep.  I’m a broken record restating my boundaries - the dog and I have ptsd from loud noises and attention seeking rants he did while living here.  He’s no longer welcome as a resident.  And if I sense anything brewing on visits I now suggest that it’s time we part - I’ll make arrangements for a Lyft to take him to a hotel. I’ve involved police prior and will again.  Which has occurred now twice. This has lead to more recent visits being much more controlled.  He is not welcome to live here beyond a visit.  And he’s aware he never will be. I’m sure that sounds very harsh.  But I love my son very much.  Living together is too toxic for us all.