Daughter with BPD

[Jessica Hope]

My daughter has BPD. She is 26.  She won’t speak to me. She says I was a tiger mom and never said I loved her until she was 18. Family members and teachers said these accusations are not true. Her biological father appears to be both BPD and NPD. We got a divorce when she was 2. A court psychologist ordered that she travel on a plane every other week between households as we were in 2 different states. I think this trauma caused it. She is coming home from overseas in a month. She speaks to my current husband and my mom but totally ignores me and gets hostile if I try to reach out. I had a therapist tell me to not engage with her so I have stopped. She will stay with friends and her grandparents but our paths will cross. No one in the family agrees with how she treats me. Everyone feels uncomfortable. I still pay for her phone and car and my husband and I are devising a plan to wean her off financially as suggested by a therapist. How do I navigate this?
Thanks. Jessica

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Such a painful situation Jessica Hope. I am glad that you have come here, mainly because we understand that pain and somehow the hopelessness that we live with.

I am the sort of person who is probably a bit simplistic in that I always think that people can get 'over' problems and move on together! Life with BPD dd has shown me this is not the case  - and in dramatic terms! Being treated in such a way is just so hard to deal with - yet it is just one of the ways that a BPD person can inflict pain, usually on the person who has been the main support person over all the years.

It is really good that so many people can see what is happening and are supportive of you. In the long run there is nothing we can do to make others treat us with respect, all we can do it to somehow not let the pain and hurt consume our lives.

'I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it'.

Coming here is a place where I can regroup because I know there are others in the world facing the same challenges. I hope you can feel that support too.

[pursuingJoy]

welcome! I'm sorry for all you've been through. Certainly not what any of us imagined would be the outcome of our relationship with our kids. It is SO hard.

I received the same advice in therapy - don't chase them down, set boundaries, and most importantly, enjoy your life as best you can. What are the plans to wean her off financially? Have you discussed any strategies or a timeline?

[beatricex]

hi Jessica hope,

Glad u found this place. Our marriage counselor gave the same advice:  chasing your adult kids is like falling in quicksand, he said.  He gave us the advice to not chase the enabling sister of our BPD daughter too.

We have also recently cut the enabling sister off financially too.

We believe my stepdaughter who is suspected BPD was triggered by the fact we were helping her sister.  We gave between $6000 and $8000 dollars to her sister when she got a DUI and had to go through TASC.  We also had cosigned on the sister's apartment.  We have decided as a couple to focus on us now.
The BPD stepdaughter disowned her Dad because he would not divorce me and she's withholding the grandkids.
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