Does he know what he is saying & doing?

[Fergazrael]

I need advice BAD. I am with a man who is wonderful for three or four days and then horrible for three days. it’s like Jekyll and Hyde-he is textbook borderline. what I need to know is whether or not he realizes what he’s doing whether he remembers it whether he knows what he’s doing when he’s doing it such as accusing me of cheating when he knows I’m home and then taking off and disappearing for hours.., and then when I’m not waiting for him when he gets back accusing me of cheating again! Telling me we’re never coming back from this and he hates me.,,it’s insane and I am trying really hard to understand because I don’t want to break up with him. Is this loving sweet man the real guy or is it the insanely angry guy? is he the one cheating or is he just doing this to stir things up because it’s always been things are really good that he does this. I apologize for the lack of punctuation my hands don’t work well right now and I’m talking to text

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

there isnt a simple answer as to whether he realizes what hes doing. people with bpd are all over the spectrum when it comes to self awareness. the tricky thing is that they use, and are used to using, maladaptive coping mechanisms to meet their needs. weve all been there, the extent to how aware we are of it varies.

the person you love is the sweet man, and the insanely angry guy, both.

bpd involves a difficult, or inability, when it comes to regulating emotions. it involves an inherent distrust in others. it involves a deep seated insecurity.

i dont mean to be doom and gloom on you, by any means. but i mean to suggest that loving someone with bpd is a struggle. its one that can improve...anywhere from very little, to just enough, to dramatically. but, fundamentally, its an emotionally challenging relationship.

tell us more about the conflict between the two of you. we can help.

[B53]

Hi,

I have been out of my BP relationship for about six months now. The drama and the chaos is no longer a part of my life. I needed to get out because I no longer liked the person that I was becoming as a result. I always thought and have been told that I was a very strong  person, but I needed to accept the fact that I didn’t have the strength I needed to survive in that relationship. I have asked myself a lot of questions over the past six months, that being one of them. By what I experienced, he was both, but in reality he was neither. When he love bombed me and put me on a pedestal, it felt great, but I wasn’t really that perfect person. That perfect person doesn’t exist, it’s humanly impossible for anyone to be that perfect. On the other hand, when he painted me black, most of what he said was cruel and wasn’t true either. Sadly at the time, he believed both, I was an angel or the devil.

A person with BPD is in constant search for who they are. The nice guy was him mirroring me and the bad guy was him splitting and/or dysregulating. He could say the most horrific things to me and hours later act like nothing happened. The thing is, I don’t think it was an act. I think he knew that he had said mean things, but didn’t remember what he actually had said. If I had ever said or behaved that way to another person, I would have a hard time ever facing them again, even to apologize, much less expect them to ever want to be around me again. I had to really examine the reasons I stayed as long as I did. It definitely went back to my FOO.

I do not recommend going or staying, that is a decision only you can make. If you do stay, you need to be fully aware of what the future with a person BPD would look like. Could it get better, yes. Will it get better can’t be answered. We can learn skills to make things better, but we can’t change or cure them, only they can do that. They can be very charming (talk the talk)and suck you back in, but are they able to walk the walk?

For me, it was the right decision. The worst is over and I am starting to feel like my old self again. For the most part I am happy. I had to grieve the relationship, but what I grieved was not what it really was, but the dream of want I had wanted it to be. I am not angry, just sad for me and for him. I have a chance to go on and have healthy relationship with someone else. He may or may not have that same option, depending how much work he puts into recovery. I don’t think it is going to happen, but for his sake, I hope he proves me wrong.

Sorry for being so long winded. I hope what I have written could be helpful or at least something to think about.

The most important thing to do is, take care and be kind to yourself.

B53