He depends on me for $$, he got married to an addict, the whole thing crashing

[DEELO]

 First "deer in the headlights" post, so very glad to find this!
My BPD son has yanked our entire family around for years; recent highlights include stealing  from me, and getting impulsively married to a heroin addict. New wife went into treatment two days after the wedding; after a few months of hell, he's now gone into a 30-day treatment for bipolar. They're still a train wreck - but I want to admit that I'm so relieved for the break (both because of the drama of their own relationship so I'm not the constant supply, and now the 30 day treatment) But I don't see a way for success for anyone when he gets out. He's got no job. One class away from graduation, which he probably has blown up. When the house of cards collapsed, we learned he's stolen from his wife - and he lied to her about how he gets money (me). She's allegedly back to doing heroin while he's in treatment. He's suicidal. It just seems to be such a massive ball of awfulness. And when I read about BPD on forums, I'll admit, I get so depressed. But I know I can make things better, learning about boundaries, and other tools.
So here's the question: What - through this group - did you learn that made the biggest difference in your peace and happiness in dealing with your child with BPD? How do you handle the constant threat of suicide? (He apparently wrote a suicide letter a few weeks ago) How do you make sure your other children are not damaged by the BPD child. My children are now adults, and I am racked with guilt that I made them do way too much ("do it for me, not for him") for him. (scraping poop, for example, off his apt deck because he never did for his dog (who's now with me). How did you learn to restructure your life to handle this in a gracious, kind way. Because when I think about dealing with this for the rest of MY life, I want to cry non-stop. And I'm not a cryer. And I very very much love my BPD son.

Again, grateful for the community.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi DEELO
I can relate to so much of your post - especially cleaning up the poo!  It is hard enough coping with a BPD adult child but when you add a spouse/partner with mental health issues as well . . . . . .

The first thing I learnt was not actually on this site. It was a list of statements that were put together by family members of those with mental health issues. It was called 'Letting Go'.

I used to recite these statements over and over and I put it in a frame and hung it on my wall.

'Letting go means I can't do it for someone else'.
'Letting go means to fear less and to love more.'
'Letting go means . . . . and so on.

This list helped me get started. I began to let go of the responsibility I felt to 'fix it'.

Then I came here. To be honest it was only when things became horrendous at my place that I began to learn about boundaries - and only recently I read a post that said something like 'we need to think of boundaries as not something that keeps the person out, but something that is necessary for us to keep going and have a life ourselves.'

This was something that has really helped me. I think every person's situation is different and in my case it has been complicated by BPD dd having a child 11 years ago.

The big think I learnt here was . . . .I wish I had established the boundaries so much earlier.

Re suicide threats; this was most prominent at the time I came across the 'letting go' statements. I used the statements as a mantra to be honest - and it worked! Ultimately we can't prevent another's choice if they are determined to do this. Of course when the threats are happening, it is very intense, chaotic.

But in the long run we can't do more than listen, offer to support them to get to professional help.

One of the most frustrating things about my BPD is that she has moments of intense, emotional outbursts, but if I manage to offer one or more options, she just flies off the handle with more reasons why nothing will work.

I was able to 'let go' so much more when I realised I was being 'cornered'. All the emotional stuff was being dumped on me - making me feel that I had to 'fix it' - and if I tried to present options, well that just resulted in an increase in intensity.

It is all a journey but I think if I had to choose - yes the 'letting go' and eventually seeing the reason and benefit of boundaries.

Hope you are finding space for yourself in all this.