Ex GF with new beau

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all…

Many of you will remember me over the last year… I have written countless saga‘s about the girl I was dating, who was very likely an undiagnosed BPD.  We were on a continuous roller coaster ride… Going from absolute highs, to dismal lows.

Her splits were not stopping, and she was breaking up with me about every 3 to 5 weeks, until in early August I snapped and said some fairly curt things to her in the middle of one of her splits, and we stopped talking and haven’t spoke to since.  I have been at a complete loss as to what to do about it, if anything.

Well, I wasn’t expecting it, but a mutual friend saw her out at a karaoke club, and she left hand-in-hand with another guy. Less than four months after her and I stopped talking. We never really did have any real declaration that we would be done, although it was pretty obvious.

My soul feels crushed.  I know that it is likely for the best that her and I are no longer together, but I know that she went from me to somebody else in a matter of months is profoundly painful.

I don’t wish her any ill will, and she has a right to be happy.

I can’t help but feel I kind of brought this on myself. I knew I had the power in my hands to reach out to her, and I didn’t. I couldn’t. She had the capacity to be verbally abusive, only during splits… But I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was Volcanic roller coaster ride.

Even with that said, I feel hugely betrayed. It almost feels like she has cheated on me, although I know that’s all in my head.

It doesn’t seem to help for me to believe that this girl was probably as much a fantasy to me then she was reality. We had a lot of great things going for us, and really the only thing that wasn’t working was the concoctions she would create in her own head regarding me how I felt about her. But that’s significant.  you can’t have a real relationship with someone who creates problems and self destruct on a continuous basis, even though she constantly said it was me that always self-destructed.

I do know the truth, but the truth doesn’t seem to be setting me free. It keeps continuously hurting me.

Like I have heard so many times on here before, I feel like I was just thrown away and discarded without even a second thought.

My friend suggested that she may have been putting on an act while she was there because she knew that he would come and tell me he saw her with another guy, but even that doesn’t really matter. She seems to be moving on. I’m still stuck. I can’t get a date with somebody like if my life depends on it.

I’m not sure there’s really a question here. I almost feel paralyzed with anxiety and torment. I guess I just figured that at some point some thing would have to give, and she would either contact me or I would contact her.  I guess not.

It’s gonna be a rough ride for a while. Thanks for reading..

[Mr. Kelly]

Hi all…

Many of you will remember me over the last year… I have written countless saga‘s about the girl I was dating, who was very likely an undiagnosed BPD.  We were on a continuous roller coaster ride… Going from absolute highs, to dismal lows.

Her splits were not stopping, and she was breaking up with me about every 3 to 5 weeks, until in early August I snapped and said some fairly curt things to her in the middle of one of her splits, and we stopped talking and haven’t spoke to since.  I have been at a complete loss as to what to do about it, if anything.

Well, I wasn’t expecting it, but a mutual friend saw her out at a karaoke club, and she left hand-in-hand with another guy. Less than four months after her and I stopped talking. We never really did have any real declaration that we would be done, although it was pretty obvious.

My soul feels crushed.  I know that it is likely for the best that her and I are no longer together, but I know that she went from me to somebody else in a matter of months is profoundly painful.

I don’t wish her any ill will, and she has a right to be happy.

I can’t help but feel I kind of brought this on myself. I knew I had the power in my hands to reach out to her, and I didn’t. I couldn’t. She had the capacity to be verbally abusive, only during splits… But I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was Volcanic roller coaster ride.

Even with that said, I feel hugely betrayed. It almost feels like she has cheated on me, although I know that’s all in my head.

It doesn’t seem to help for me to believe that this girl was probably as much a fantasy to me then she was reality. We had a lot of great things going for us, and really the only thing that wasn’t working was the concoctions she would create in her own head regarding me how I felt about her. But that’s significant.  you can’t have a real relationship with someone who creates problems and self destruct on a continuous basis, even though she constantly said it was me that always self-destructed.

I do know the truth, but the truth doesn’t seem to be setting me free. It keeps continuously hurting me.

Like I have heard so many times on here before, I feel like I was just thrown away and discarded without even a second thought.

My friend suggested that she may have been putting on an act while she was there because she knew that he would come and tell me he saw her with another guy, but even that doesn’t really matter. She seems to be moving on. I’m still stuck. I can’t get a date with somebody like if my life depends on it.

I’m not sure there’s really a question here. I almost feel paralyzed with anxiety and torment. I guess I just figured that at some point some thing would have to give, and she would either contact me or I would contact her.  I guess not.

It’s gonna be a rough ride for a while. Thanks for reading..

[kells76]

Hey, welcome back. Glad you reached out for some support. That sounds brutal to be blindsided by hearing about her with someone else.

You're not alone in having a pwBPD in your life move on at a jaw-dropping pace. My DH and his kids' mom separated and then were divorced 6 months later. Three months after that, she was engaged to his former best friend, three months after that, they were married, and eight months after that, they had a kid. While BPD can't be diagnosed from warp speed relational moves, the pace certainly raises a red flag that something deeply unhealthy is going on.

Questioning what you meant to her, noticing the sense of betrayal, feeling like you had the power to change the trajectory... it makes sense. It really does.

I wonder if, in a way, it's like a death -- the death of the good in the relationship that you wanted to have -- yet she's still alive, so it's not like you can grieve with finality.

The pain, anxiety, and torment are a lot. How are you doing with that today?

Keep posting and sharing, as much and as often as you need.

[Mr. Kelly]

Thank you so much Kells… My nickname on occasion has been Kells, over the years… :-)

Your words are comforting and soothing, and for that I am grateful.

I’m a complete mess right now.  I am profoundly triggered, just like I was at the worst of her splits when she broke up with me before, when I most always thought I would never hear from her again.

My mind keeps ruminating about the good things that we had, and the beautiful things she had said to me in the past, and what we actually meant to each other…

I suspect I will go to my grave thinking that she was the one that I was really meant to be with. In many ways, I was happily living my life hoping for her to be a permanent part of it. She has almost been my muse… I play music, and almost every time I pick up the instrument I’d be thinking… Maybe subconsciously… I wonder if she would like what I’m doing with this song… Or something like that.

In almost every activity I do every day, even four months later, I wonder what it would be like to have her here, like she was so many times before.

It’s completely mind-boggling and impossible to understand how someone who was here just a few months earlier, and there was moments of greatness right up until the end, could just snap and that would be it.

I know I contributed. I challenged her and basically dared her to break up with me, if all the things she said about me she believed. Well, I suspect she was offended by my dare.

Even during our very last phone conversation, the last time I spoke with her… She said I sounded cold and distant. But what would one expect when the person they love on the other end of the line is throwing grenades at you?

In the world of borderline theory, I caved to the pressure of her continuous splits, and I challenged her on them during that last call, telling her that no one that truly love someone would break up with them repeatedly and say nasty things about them. I think me saying those things was the death knell.  I can’t imagine what her brain was hearing as I said those things, but she certainly wasn’t hearing the encouragement and good things I was saying, either.

I can’t even think straight. There have been times since I heard about this last night that I just wasn’t even sure I could endure the pain, or whether life is even worth living, given how badly things had gone downhill.  It’s like each and every one of her break ups all over again, but this one without a likely reconciliation.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement. It means more than you know.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.
You're not alone in having a pwBPD in your life move on at a jaw-dropping pace. My DH and his kids' mom separated and then were divorced 6 months later. Three months after that, she was engaged to his former best friend, three months after that, they were married, and eight months after that, they had a kid. While BPD can't be diagnosed from warp speed relational moves, the pace certainly raises a red flag that something deeply unhealthy is going on.

My fiancé's story is similar.  She moved out after a 20 year relationship with xBPDh and 45 days later he's dating someone else.  His new GF gets pregnant and they get engaged before the divorce was final 9 months after she moved out.  My GF was shocked at how fast he moved on, but it's a story repeated many times in here.

It's easy to say, but somehow find a place emotionally where your happiness is not dependent on your ex.  Therapy works for many.  Life coaching can work.  Journaling and reading works for me.  It's your life.  Treat yourself with some grace.  Get good sleep, exercise, eat well.  And make time for self care.  Find something just for you that makes you happy.  It's a long journey.  Start and keep going.  Good luck.  CoMo 

[ForeverDad]

I don’t wish her any ill will, and she has a right to be happy.

Can you really state that she will be happier with this guy than with you?

Odds are she will treat him the same way she did you... perhaps starting off somewhat okay in the relationship but then sooner or later returning to her dysfunctional patterns.

Don't be overly concerned what was wrong with you.  It was her, not you.  Likely she won't be any happier with the new guy, well, unless he remains clueless and doesn't wake up to reality.

[Couscous]

These people don’t have normal circuitry onboard. My BPD brother’s pattern is to always have a “back up” woman waiting in the wings so that he has someone immediately available for a rebound relationship as soon as whatever relationship he is in begins to unravel. He has never shown even the slightest sadness after the demise of any of relationships. When his now ex-wife announced on Facebook that she had moved out, I called him and told that him I had just heard the news (I didn’t specify what the news was as I assumed he would know what I was referring to), and asked him if he was OK, and he literally had NO idea what I was talking about.

I really think the book The Betrayal Bond might help you right now to get through this time to better understand the dynamics at play. I’m actually surprised it’s not on the list of recommended books on this site as it has been one of the most helpful books I have read since I began my recovery.

[Couscous]

Oh, forgot to mention that his ex-wife was 6 months pregnant…

[Mr. Kelly]

Thank you, everyone.

It’s literally been only 48 hours since I learned that the girl I thought I would know forever is having sex with somebody else. I hate to be that blunt, but that’s really what it comes down to.

Like everyone else that has been in the situation, I feel like a piece of trash that’s been thrown out. I’m kind of pissed.

I don’t know what I’ve said or not said about this already, but when I met my lady friend, she had said that after her marriage fell apart, she had zero interest in finding another partner, and almost Expected to be single for the rest of her life. Then she met me, and she said she was thoroughly shocked that being with me brought back her to life in regards to being in a romantic relationship at this stage in her life, approaching 60.

So, I guess that I was thinking/hoping that maybe she was just taking some time away for herself, because she was under such extreme stress at work, and that may be in a handful of months I would hear from her, or I would gather up the courage to call her, and just see where it went from there.

I knew I probably shouldn’t reach out to her, because for the most part, she’s toxic, and I am probably toxic as a result of it.

The bottom line: I couldn’t give her what she was pressuring Me to give her, which was to have her move in. We haven’t even talked about it in a year, but in her final split, that’s pretty much one of the things it was all about… I was dragging my heels, thus, I must not be that serious about her as a long-term prospect. Didn’t matter how much I tried to convince her otherwise, that’s what she had in her head.

But, I think my biggest mistake, and I will probably regret it until I die, is that I told her, in a moment of vulnerability, that her friends and family are not my tribe.  I told her that because I don’t feel like I fit in where I live at all, and I don’t fit in as well with her family, although I enjoyed her family thoroughly, and we got along really well.  We are all pretty much cut from a different cloth, and I didn’t grow up anywhere near here, so I kind of stick out as a little bit of an oddball.

I also don’t think she heard that the way I meant it. I tried to clarify that it wasn’t that I didn’t adore her family and friends, which I do, but we speak a different language, and I needed to find my own tribe, as well… with friends I needed to find on my own.

I think she heard that as me saying that since she is part of that tribe, and I am saying that I am not part of that tribe, that she must not be part of my tribe. She was a bit irritated when I said that, saying that her friends have tried best they can to accept me, which they have, and they would do anything for anyone, so she was defensive when I said that. I suspect that might’ve been the final straw for her. I think I offended her. That’s not at all what I meant to say, but I think that’s what she heard.

It breaks my heart that someone who, although problematic, I adored, and I would never have expected not knowing her, But here we are… Dead silence. And her waking up with someone else, probably giving him the same beautiful attention that she gave me, at least when she wasn’t splitting.

There is a massive hole in my soul right now, and I don’t feel a lot of hope that it’s going to be filled anytime soon, if ever.

The pain is almost unbearable.

[formflier]

So sorry that this is happening.

Please do some things that are extra kind...for yourself.

Be mindful about what you "know"...what you "suspect" and what you "fear" is happening.

The reality is you "know" very little about what is going on with her...

Hopefully you can focus on yourself..

Best,

FF

[Mr. Kelly]

So sorry that this is happening.

Please do some things that are extra kind...for yourself.

Be mindful about what you "know"...what you "suspect" and what you "fear" is happening.

The reality is you "know" very little about what is going on with her...

Hopefully you can focus on yourself..

Best,

FF

Thank you, FF.  You’ve always been a very strong voice of reason…

Would you ‘do’ anything, at this point, hypothetically, if you wanted to make amends with this girl, given that I still care about her deeply?

I’m terrified to reach out to her, given I just can’t go through her nastiness any longer, and I know she’ll probably tell me to go to hell, which would bring the pain back around full circle.

I just can’t imagine what her brain concocted that would bring her to move on and take on someone new.  I would have not predicted this.  At.  All.

What to do?

[formflier]

Before I ...in good conscience...could ever recommend reaching out to this girl, I would want to understand how she is different and would approach the relationship with kindness and empathy...instead of the unhealthy things she was doing. 

From everything I know about the story...I think it's unlikely she would ever do the work needed to change.  Plus..given no communication, how would you ever get RELIABLE information about this.

So...what to do.

I would make specific plans to grieve the relationship and what it meant to you...and what you believe it "could have been".  Specific plans looks like going out for a nice breakfast where you can watch the sun come up, maybe listen to some meaningful songs and then move on with your day. 

Then I want you also to make specific plans on mapping out your new life...post relationship.  It's important that you do things, hopefully relational things with others (not necessarily romantic) and increase the quality of other relationships in your life.

Over time you will plan less and less times to grieve and more and more time for "going forward".


Note:   Plan the going forward at the same time as grieving, even if they are done on different days.  If you only did the grief and then skipped working on the future...that would not be helpful.

Why do I say all this?  You need to DEMONSTRATE to yourself that "working on your future" is a priority...it's worth the effort.

How does all of this sound?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Grieve the relationship... that is something your ex will be unlikely to accomplish.

Reaching out to your ex for Closure typically doesn't work either.  Closure will have to be something you do for yourself.  Plan a vacation, a hike or a special activity.  Some have even written letters expressing themselves and then - unsent! - solemnly burned them, somewhere safe of course.

Gift yourself closure, gift yourself time to have a measure of recovery, accept the lessons learned, Let Go and move on, move forward with your life.

[Mr. Kelly]

You guys have all rocked. Thank you.

I feel pathetically hopeless right now.

My therapist says I’m in the bargaining stage of grief… Trying to figure out how something that had so much beauty turned so badly. I don’t think we can ever understand the mind of a borderline, or what leads them to believe or think what they do.

My heart is ripped full of holes with the notion that she had all of these thoughts that led her to destroy what I suspect was the strongest relationship she’s has ever had. She had said that before, but that could’ve been the love bombing part.  Obviously she doesn’t feel that way any longer, or she wouldn’t have left. I think she left because she just gave up believing that she would feel anything other than hurt between her and I. That makes me so sad.

I keep going over and over in my head what I could’ve done differently, or what led her over the edge. It just doesn’t make any sense, and I suppose it never will.

I continuously think of her… What she’s doing… How her work is going… What she sees in this new guy that maybe she didn’t see with me… Every single activity I do has thoughts of her in it, and whether she would like what I see, and be happy to be over here.

Those are the things that seemed possible only a little while ago. She loved most of the things that I love, and being with her validated who I am.

I think that’s a bit of a mirage, though. I know the theory. I can’t expect that a girl is going to fill the great big hole I have always had in my heart. I just can’t fix it, and I don’t know how.

My therapist seems to think that I know the answers, but I’m just failing to do it. She says I have a biased opinion of myself, and I have created a narrative to prevent me from moving forward.

I tell her that I have years and years of experience seeing the same things happen over and over again, despite my usual positive attitude, sweet demeanor, and gentle personality.  It’s almost as if nice guys do finish last.

Also… I live in a particularly competitive and hard-edged culture.  Maybe it’s like that in all of western civilization, I don’t know. Personality is what you are pretty much judged by where I am… how funny you are… How outgoing you are… not to mention, you pretty much have to have money, status, and bravado to attract women pretty much anywhere near here.  I can’t seem to attract a girl of my life depends on it. At least a healthy one.

My lady friend was not like that, which is why I think we fit together quite well. She wanted what I wanted. We just came from different parts of this culture, which I think was one of the bigger threats to our survival, minus her mental health, which I have a lot of nerve even questioning, considering my own.

She tried so hard, though. I just wish that I could understand how I could have changed things. I did everything I could to make her feel valued, wanted, and loved. Yet, she took every little thing that could’ve been made into a tool and used it to distance herself and cause chaos.

All I had to do was push back against it, which I only did about twice in the whole two years I knew her, and that push back has now left me completely alone and desolate.

I just don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t know what I have left in me. I feel like a pathetic shell of a human being right now.

[formflier]

My therapist seems to think that I know the answers, but I’m just failing to do it. She says I have a biased opinion of myself, and I have created a narrative to prevent me from moving forward.
 

Lean into your therapists observations.

My first reaction is for you to be open and hones with yourself and T and anyone that you are choosing NOT to move forward...until (pick a date).

Seriously...if all of your feelings are screaming at you to hang out in this stage of grief..then do it.  You are worth it.

Maybe you spend today figuring out a date that you will take steps...then pick another date and some more steps...

Thoughts? 

Best,

FF