Considering a location change, when should I tell ex w/BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For those unfamiliar with my story, I moved out of my exwBPD's house about six months ago. We have a 15 month old baby together. When I moved out I was hoping that we would be able to reconcile, and work things out if we weren't in constant conflict. I soon discovered the BPD traits, and our couples therapist agreed with me that this was our issue. However, the week before the movers came, I made the mistake of saying in a dysregulation, "I'm getting to the point where I don't want to get back together during a dysregulation." This triggered her to totally write me and the relationship off.

So here I am six months out. I've largely reached acceptance that there is no hope for us to be a family. I am starting to look for a house for my son and I so that we can have a successful 50/50 split once he goes to daycare. My ex is unaware, as far as I know, that I have been working with a realtor. I've viewed three properties and am about to put an offer in on one. So I have a few questions from the hive mind:

How to I bring this subject up to the exwbpd?

Should I bring it up, now or wait until I close the deal?

How important is it that the house I move into is in the same school district as the exwbpd?
(Her school district is better than my preferred neighborhood. The new location is still my preference, due to parkland and proximity to metro transit. The new house is about a half hour from the exwBPD.)

I am expecting a severe dysregulation when I bring this move up. It will be the final nail in the coffin for our relationship. However, she has told me repeatedly that she does not want me back. Just Friday, when I asked her to check her spam filter for an email about a new baby sitter and childcare she compared me to "Junk" mail. I found this pretty hurtful. However, part of my acceptance with everything, is the realization that my feelings really just don't matter in all of this. Only her feelings = facts are what count. I can't live with the emotional abuse, it takes too great a toll on my own depression prone psyche.

[EZEarache]

For those unfamiliar with my story, I moved out of my exwBPD's house about six months ago. We have a 15 month old baby together. When I moved out I was hoping that we would be able to reconcile, and work things out if we weren't in constant conflict. I soon discovered the BPD traits, and our couples therapist agreed with me that this was our issue. However, the week before the movers came, I made the mistake of saying in a dysregulation, "I'm getting to the point where I don't want to get back together during a dysregulation." This triggered her to totally write me and the relationship off.

So here I am six months out. I've largely reached acceptance that there is no hope for us to be a family. I am starting to look for a house for my son and I so that we can have a successful 50/50 split once he goes to daycare. My ex is unaware, as far as I know, that I have been working with a realtor. I've viewed three properties and am about to put an offer in on one. So I have a few questions from the hive mind:

How to I bring this subject up to the exwbpd?

Should I bring it up, now or wait until I close the deal?

How important is it that the house I move into is in the same school district as the exwbpd?
(Her school district is better than my preferred neighborhood. The new location is still my preference, due to parkland and proximity to metro transit. The new house is about a half hour from the exwBPD.)

I am expecting a severe dysregulation when I bring this move up. It will be the final nail in the coffin for our relationship. However, she has told me repeatedly that she does not want me back. Just Friday, when I asked her to check her spam filter for an email about a new baby sitter and childcare she compared me to "Junk" mail. I found this pretty hurtful. However, part of my acceptance with everything, is the realization that my feelings really just don't matter in all of this. Only her feelings = facts are what count. I can't live with the emotional abuse, it takes too great a toll on my own depression prone psyche.

[kells76]

Remind me if you have an official parenting plan yet?

[GaGrl]

Remind me if you have an official parenting plan yet?

This is important. If you don't have a formal parenting plan filed with county court, this might be the time to do so.

[kells76]

And just because her district is better doesn't mean she gets to be the decision maker about school, etc. It's just as fair for YOU to be the decision maker, and you happen to choose to put your son in school in her district.

Recall that she might also move in the next 5 years -- after all, your son is still effectively an infant.

Lots of mind-shift stuff to think about.

[EZEarache]

Remind me if you have an official parenting plan yet?

This is important. If you don't have a formal parenting plan filed with county court, this might be the time to do so.

Nothing has been filed with the court. It has been my goal to keep things out of the courts. The reason being, when I first moved out our fighting had become so bad, that the police became involved. She was convinced I was suicidal and wrestled with me to prevent me from leaving. The police advised her to file for custody. She threatened me with it for about a month until I finally told her to "quit threatening me,  just go ahead and do it," in a couples therapy session.

October of 2020 after a week long fight, I had suicidal ideation, and wrote a note. She started with me again the following day, and I made the mistake of giving her the note. Saying, this is what our fighting is doing to me. She figuratively waved the note over my head about how sick I was for the next six months. Finally everything came to a head, the police became involved, and I moved out never to return. Courts will not look kindly on all of this, I think. It will be expensive for both of us to get any kind of official custody case resolved.  Right now I have the baby on Wednesday nights, Friday Nights and Saturdays. He stays with her the rest of the time. There is a babysitter during business hours.

I have been saving text messages, emails and recordings of dysregulations, in case there ever is anything official.

The couples therapist agreed she has BPD, and my official diagnosis is recurring depression. However, the note will make things difficult in court. I continue with therapy sessions, but have reduced them to biweekly recently, because at this point, I'm just doing my best to try to prevent and minimize dysregulations.

I actually just spoke with the realtor, and we are going to put an offer in. This is exciting! This is the first time I ever tried to buy my own home.

Any advice on how to break the news to her?

[kells76]

Right now I have the baby on Wednesday nights, Friday Nights and Saturdays. He stays with her the rest of the time.

OK. Sounds like this is documented and has been the status quo for a while?

The couples therapist agreed she has BPD, and my official diagnosis is recurring depression. However, the note will make things difficult in court. I continue with therapy sessions, but have reduced them to biweekly recently, because at this point, I'm just doing my best to try to prevent and minimize dysregulations.

So I will mention that there is a big difference between "trying to hide" the note and "pretending you are OK", and "owning" that moment in time when you wrote it and then choosing a path to health. You have chosen to face head on what was going on and get professional help. I get that it is a big reason to keep things out of court, to say nothing of the expense, and those are fair reasons. I would perhaps hold on to the glimmer of hope that you would be seen MUCH differently if you "pretended it never happened" and "didn't need any help" versus what you're doing now -- taking appropriate ownership and getting help to be the best dad you can. Food for thought.

One more "remind me please" -- how far away (time and or miles) will your 2 homes be now?

Also, congrats on buying! So exciting to be able to build a special place for you and your boy.

Have to take off, but my first thought on how to tell her would be BIFF. Want to practice some possible emails?

[EZEarache]

OK. Sounds like this is documented and has been the status quo for a while?

Yes, documented in a couples therapy session and subsequent emails. We started out with me visiting the baby on Wednesday nights and Saturdays at her place. She had a work trip that required me to watch the baby over night on a Friday. Since then I've had him at my place Friday nights and Saturdays. A few weeks ago she dysregulated on a Wednesday night visit. She told me it was triggering for when I was at her house. Since then he's been at my place Wednesday nights. Also all documented in email.

One more "remind me please" -- how far away (time and or miles) will your 2 homes be now?

About 30 minutes. Maybe 20 miles

Have to take off, but my first thought on how to tell her would be BIFF. Want to practice some possible emails?

Sure, let's try this one:

Hi ExwBPD,

I'm so glad the new baby sitter is working out.

I wanted to let you know that I am working on getting a permanent home for the baby. I just put an offer in on a townhouse in town name. Hopefully, the offer is accepted and we'll be able to give the baby two permanent homes, for the 50/50 split arrangement we agreed on.


------ Side comments to the board ------

I'm resisting the urge to point out that this is happening because her behavior has become increasingly erratic over the past few months. I'm also not mentioning any of the statements she has made that make me believe this is my best course of action.

Sadly in my heart, I wish she would be able to recognize her behavior is hurtful to me, and she apologized for it and I began to see actual improvement. Unfortunately, after her dysregulation on Friday, where I was blamed for bringing up the possibility of the baby missing the old babysitter, I realize this simply is not going to ever happen.

[ForeverDad]

Did you notice how you have been able to gain additional parenting time?  A situation arose and you gladly filled in.  And then that became the new normal.  Good for you!  Keep up the good changes, even if it wasn't your initial strategy.  Never look at a Gift of time with your child as a problem.

Sadly in my heart, I wish she would be able to recognize her behavior is hurtful to me, and she apologized for it and I began to see actual improvement. Unfortunately ... I realize this simply is not going to ever happen.

I say this literally... We members here also wished our own disordered ex-relationships would have had positive realizations too.  However, that's why they're ex's.  That's a sad reality we have to accept.

[kells76]

Yes, documented in a couples therapy session and subsequent emails.

OK, good move.

About 30 minutes. Maybe 20 miles

Totally reasonable. In our county, the "trigger" for "must report" is 60 miles or more.

Is she doing any of the pick ups/drop offs right now? Are you hoping or thinking that the pickup/dropoff assignments will change after you move (i.e., are you thinking that maybe she will do more of them)?

...

Great start to the email brainstorm! Couple of thoughts:

Hi ExwBPD,

I'm so glad the new baby sitter is working out. (maybe ticky tacky, but a way to moderate emotion, maybe)

I wanted to let you know that I am working on getting a permanent home for the baby. I just put an offer in on a townhouse in town name. Hopefully, the offer is accepted and we'll be able to give the baby two permanent homes, for This won't alter the 50/50 split arrangement we agreed on.

Will email you the street address by Day, Date.

Stay well;

EZE

...

Notice how I crossed out the "hopefully" part? While that's true for you, that's... I don't know how to explain it, but it's too much for a pwBPD to process. They often don't do well with "well, if this happens, then X, but I'm not sure yet" type things.

Are you trying to "soften the blow" for her or to "prep" her or "give her a potential heads up"?

I'm not actually certain that letting her know that you are in process is a good idea.

What would be the downside to just telling her AFTER everything is final/closed on?

I mean... let's say you tell her "hey, I put in this offer, and I hope it gets accepted".

What if she comes back with "well if it gets accepted, I'm keeping the baby, he's too young to move" or whatever.

Would you really rescind your offer?

I guess what I'm getting at is you don't have to include her in your independent life process. That's what we're here for  

I don't really see a downside to informing her of the change after it's final.

...

What's your deepest fear related to how/when to tell her about the move?

[EZEarache]

Is she doing any of the pick ups/drop offs right now? Are you hoping or thinking that the pickup/dropoff assignments will change after you move (i.e., are you thinking that maybe she will do more of them)?

She's actually been totally reasonable with this regard. If I pick him, then she'll come get him later. If she drops him off then I'll bring him back to her. For a while after she made a scene in front of my house, I didn't want her anywhere near my place and I was thinking, I'll just do both pick up and drop off. However, I started having her take him to work. The people there, know me well and understand my situation.

Hi ExwBPD,

I'm so glad the new baby sitter is working out. (maybe ticky tacky, but a way to moderate emotion, maybe)

I wanted to let you know that I am working on getting a permanent home for the baby. I just put an offer in on a townhouse in town name. Hopefully, the offer is accepted and we'll be able to give the baby two permanent homes, for This won't alter the 50/50 split arrangement we agreed on.

Will email you the street address by Day, Date.

Stay well;

EZE

...

Notice how I crossed out the "hopefully" part? While that's true for you, that's... I don't know how to explain it, but it's too much for a pwBPD to process. They often don't do well with "well, if this happens, then X, but I'm not sure yet" type things.

Are you trying to "soften the blow" for her or to "prep" her or "give her a potential heads up"?

I'm not actually certain that letting her know that you are in process is a good idea.

What would be the downside to just telling her AFTER everything is final/closed on?

I mean... let's say you tell her "hey, I put in this offer, and I hope it gets accepted".

What if she comes back with "well if it gets accepted, I'm keeping the baby, he's too young to move" or whatever.

Would you really rescind your offer?

I guess what I'm getting at is you don't have to include her in your independent life process. That's what we're here for  

I don't really see a downside to informing her of the change after it's final.

I've actually had BIFFs backfire on me for innocently using emotional words, so I think your edits are warranted. I wrote, "My parents have generously offered to assist in childcare while I am out on vacation." The word generously triggered her... Plus a few other examples come to mind. Hopefully for me, maybe not "hopefully" for her to her subconscious. You're totally right, that could trigger a meltdown. 

What's your deepest fear related to how/when to tell her about the move?

I guess my deepest fear is that this is the last chance for her to have a serious discussion about what would need to happen for us to be a nuclear family and get us back into couples therapy. If I don't give her the heads up, that this is happening, she has no way to say, "Wait, I want you in my life." Lately all I've heard is, "You're junk and I'm moving on." That leaves me no choice, but to do the things I need to do to move on for myself, as well. So my deepest fear is that six months is not enough time for her to come to a realization, that it's not me that is throwing the relationship away, it's herself.

Am I afraid of a dysregulation, at this point because of my desire to buy my own place in a neighborhood I want to live? Not really, I'm totally expecting it, so, I'll be guarded and it won't be a shock. When she goes off on me, I'm just starting to shrug and think to myself, "that hurt a lot to hear. Oh well, really, it's not me, it's her." Then I don't bother to respond to her unless she's firing off a direct question, that deserves an answer and my response is not filled with any sort of negativity.

[kells76]

She's actually been totally reasonable with this regard. If I pick him, then she'll come get him later. If she drops him off then I'll bring him back to her. For a while after she made a scene in front of my house, I didn't want her anywhere near my place and I was thinking, I'll just do both pick up and drop off. However, I started having her take him to work. The people there, know me well and understand my situation.

That's good! Glad there is an area of coparenting that is pretty neutral for you guys. Doing exchanges in an agreed upon public place is pure gold. Nice job doing that, keep it up.

I've actually had BIFFs backfire on me for innocently using emotional words, so I think your edits are warranted. I wrote, "My parents have generously offered to assist in childcare while I am out on vacation." The word generously triggered her... Plus a few other examples come to mind. Hopefully for me, maybe not "hopefully" for her to her subconscious. You're totally right, that could trigger a meltdown. 

Good, you're definitely getting the hang of tailoring BIFFs to your particular pwBPD. If she has reacted to things like "generously" before, then yeah, do your best to swap out "loaded" adjectives for declarative statements/announcements: in your childcare example, the way you've described it, I wonder if she would be more chill about something like: "My parents will provide childcare while I'm on vacation".

My guess is that she read "My parents will generously..." as a dig on her: "Oh, well, aren't EZE's parents JUST SUPERIOR, and he is OBVIOUSLY saying I am NOT as AMAZINGLY GENEROUS as them". Strange to us, but that's my guess.

(Also, just me getting ticky tacky again -- notice how similar in vibes "my parents have offered..." is to "hopefully the offer is accepted..."? And notice the difference in saying "my parents will provide" and "I will let you know the new address"? The first ones are too nebulous for a pwBPD. The second two are you taking charge and announcing what you are doing.)

I guess my deepest fear is that this is the last chance for her to have a serious discussion about what would need to happen for us to be a nuclear family and get us back into couples therapy. If I don't give her the heads up, that this is happening, she has no way to say, "Wait, I want you in my life." Lately all I've heard is, "You're junk and I'm moving on." That leaves me no choice, but to do the things I need to do to move on for myself, as well. So my deepest fear is that six months is not enough time for her to come to a realization, that it's not me that is throwing the relationship away, it's herself.

What are your thoughts as you re-read the bold parts? If you were to write those phrases up on a whiteboard and lead the class on analyzing them, what kinds of reality testing would you do? What do you think you would learn as you assessed those statements?

Am I afraid of a dysregulation, at this point because of my desire to buy my own place in a neighborhood I want to live? Not really, I'm totally expecting it, so, I'll be guarded and it won't be a shock. When she goes off on me, I'm just starting to shrug and think to myself, "that hurt a lot to hear. Oh well, really, it's not me, it's her." Then I don't bother to respond to her unless she's firing off a direct question, that deserves an answer and my response is not filled with any sort of negativity.

Pure gold once again. You expect the dysregulation ahead of time so you aren't caught off guard. You already know that it's not about your worth, it's about whatever she's feeling and processing unskillfully. You are planning ahead to respond neutrally if necessary, and without returning negativity or stooping to engage in the invalid.

      

[EZEarache]

this is the last chance for her to have a serious discussion
If I don't give her the heads up, that this is happening, she has no way to say

are your thoughts as you re-read the bold parts? If you were to write those phrases up on a whiteboard and lead the class on analyzing them, what kinds of reality testing would you do? What do you think you would learn as you assessed those statements?

Not sure exactly what reality testing is, but I think I get it. If I'm correct, this is actually a really useful exercise. I'm surprised I never had a therapist show it to me before. I've been in therapy on and off for over 20 years, LOL.

At first, the reality I was looking at is, I think she's still in therapy and there is a chance that the therapist will recognize her mental health issues and help her accept and cope with them so that we can put this dark time behind us and move on.

Then there is the reality, that she will probably never be able to come to this acceptance. However, as I thought through that, it is actually an assumption on my part.

Then there is the reality that, when she's not being nasty to me for no reason, I still see the good person I first met and who I still believe she truly is.

However, when I look more objectively and focus on what reality is, what I see is:

Last chance statement
The reality is, even after I buy this house, if she comes to a realization and acceptance of her issue and gets treatment, I can still take her back if I choose to. I can rent the townhouse out, or sell it and we can be a nuclear family.

If I don't give her the heads up, statement
The reality is she can tell me she wants me back anytime she decides to, but she hasn't. I've told her that, but it didn't help. From what I've studied on BPD, it is unlikely that this will ever happen. Ultimately, I shouldn't wait for her, or open the door up for more drama in my life. Work is stressful enough. I don't need it at home, as well.

Pure gold once again. You expect the dysregulation ahead of time so you aren't caught off guard. You already know that it's not about your worth, it's about whatever she's feeling and processing unskillfully. You are planning ahead to respond neutrally if necessary, and without returning negativity or stooping to engage in the invalid.

A few sessions ago, my therapist said, "You still seem surprised by her behavior for some reason." I realized he's right, so I've been trying to minimize my own shock and awe from the explosions.

I'm still conflicted about when I should tell her, though. I feel like sooner is better. I might as well get it out in the open so she can't say, you should have included me in this decision, or something similar.

[EZEarache]

Did you notice how you have been able to gain additional parenting time?  A situation arose and you gladly filled in.  And then that became the new normal.  Good for you!  Keep up the good changes, even if it wasn't your initial strategy.  Never look at a Gift of time with your child as a problem.

I say this literally... We members here also wished our own disordered ex-relationships would have had positive realizations too.  However, that's why they're ex's.  That's a sad reality we have to accept.

Thanks for noticing. I am in a very different place with my son, now than I was a year ago. I wish my ex could see that, as well.

[kells76]

Last chance statement
The reality is, even after I buy this house, if she comes to a realization and acceptance of her issue and gets treatment, I can still take her back if I choose to. I can rent the townhouse out, or sell it and we can be a nuclear family.

If I don't give her the heads up, statement
The reality is she can tell me she wants me back anytime she decides to, but she hasn't. I've told her that, but it didn't help. From what I've studied on BPD, it is unlikely that this will ever happen. Ultimately, I shouldn't wait for her, or open the door up for more drama in my life. Work is stressful enough. I don't need it at home, as well.

Great insights. I think I see you untangling yourself from "magical" beliefs that "if I just made the right moves, or didn't make the wrong moves, that is what will influence her choices". There is no inherent connection between your purchase of a home and her willingness to get back together... even though if she doesn't like that you bought a home, she will make it seem like there was a connection. But you're not her, you don't have any power or control over her process... even though she may often try to frame it that way.

I'm still conflicted about when I should tell her, though. I feel like sooner is better. I might as well get it out in the open so she can't say, you should have included me in this decision, or something similar.

Understandable that you are still working out the timing. We've been there, too.

As you reflect on this bolded part above, too, what are your thoughts? I.e., if you "war gamed" out some things that might happen, how would you describe the options? Like, "what if I told her on Day/Date, and then she said XYZ, how would I feel, what would I do... and what if instead I told her on other Day/Date, what if she said ABC, or what if she still said XYZ, what would that be like"

...

You're doing a lot of work to recalibrate how you interact with her, as the mom of your son versus a current romantic partner. Like you said, she could certainly put in personal work, come to realizations, and approach you about reconnecting in a new way. And, based on what you might see, you might choose to reconnect with her. Many parents want that for their family -- two healthy parents back in relationship for the kids. Of course that's a good thing to want.

I see you working more with what IS, though, which is incredibly helpful, versus what you wish were the case. It's hard work, and you deserve credit for it!

[ForeverDad]

I wish my ex could see that, as well.

What has wishing and hoping done thus far?  Every single attempt you've made, no matter how successful it seemed at first, ended up in the dumpster.  Everyone here would be happy to be proven wrong, but with the skewed and unrestrained emotions, mental perceptions, poor judgment, etc, she has consistently sabotaged herself.  The only way she's gotten this far and this long in a relationship with you is because you were clueless, had hopes and were unaware of how illogical (and so sabotaging of a relationship) a person could be.

Whether she ever "gets it" and truly seeks recovery, no one can predict, but the odds are low, especially considering what has happened until now.

Consider this a reality check.  Finding a new residence?  Great, that is a decision based on the reality as of today, based on the past.  Whether she changes for the better in the future — or not — should have nothing to do with your decisions today.

The reality is, even after I buy this house, if she comes to a realization and acceptance of her issue and gets treatment, I can still take her back if I choose to. I can rent the townhouse out, or sell it and we can be a nuclear family.

While that statement is true as far as it goes, I still sense some unrealistic hopium there.  Based on past history, you would be more emotionally stable if you just did what you need to do (1) for yourself and (2) for your child.  Period.  "If she comes to a realization and acceptance of her issue and gets treatment" is something you wouldn't know or even trust until you see proof over an extended period of time of her making substantive changes in her life.

Words and promises = hopium
Actions proven over time  = gradually increasing trust

[EZEarache]

My point was that the reality is this isn't her last chance to communicate. I understand that this is unlikely. My action of attempting to buy my own place is a big step in the direction of acceptance on this.

Words and promises = hopium
Actions proven over time  = gradually increasing trust

There haven't even been (positive) words or promises from her side. Only insults and criticism. So yeah, it's all just hopium on my part. I guess I'll just do what I need to do and procure a permanent residence for my darling son and I. I hope he likes it there.

[EZEarache]

As you reflect on this bolded part above, too, what are your thoughts? I.e., if you "war gamed" out some things that might happen, how would you describe the options? Like, "what if I told her on Day/Date, and then she said XYZ, how would I feel, what would I do... and what if instead I told her on other Day/Date, what if she said ABC, or what if she still said XYZ, what would that be like"

Anytime I try to predict what will come out of a conversation and what the best approach is, it ends up being a waste of time. I could go over the different possible iterations of ABC = XYZ a million times in my head all night long. Then later I'll find out that I was wrong, ABC actually equals LMNOP. I'm finding, it's best just to go into it knowing the rules of engagement. She will attack me with FOG no matter what I do. I need to remember no matter how thick the FOG attack gets, I can not JADE in response. If possible ignore the blame and hear the pain, then try to validate.

I see you working more with what IS, though, which is incredibly helpful, versus what you wish were the case. It's hard work, and you deserve credit for it!

It REALLY IS HARD WORK. I have read more, studied more, and practiced more to get this all sorted out than I think I have on any single subject in my entire life. However, I must repeat the popular refrain on this board, it is getting easier.

[PeteWitsend]

And just because her district is better doesn't mean she gets to be the decision maker about school, etc. It's just as fair for YOU to be the decision maker, and you happen to choose to put your son in school in her district.

Recall that she might also move in the next 5 years -- after all, your son is still effectively an infant.

Lots of mind-shift stuff to think about.

I wish I had thought through some of this stuff when I was finalizing my divorce. 

during mediation, BPDXW pushed for a wider set of geographical restrictions that really could've made picking my daughter up a 2+ hour drive each way.  Effectively that would ruin overnights I had on school days, in addition to being costly and burdensome on everyone's time.

I fought that successfully, but we still had a two-county wide geographic restriction that, were she to be willing to change her lifestyle and career, could still put nearly 2 hours of travel between us each way, or around 65 miles.

I just didn't think it was likely she'd move our daughter to an inferior rural school, or take on that much of a daily commute to move to an extreme point in the county area, to make my life difficult, plus she had a lot of friends in the area & seemed to prioritize her social life, so I figured she'd generally reside within a distance relatively close to where we both lived after the divorce.

I WAS WRONG. 

So keep this in mind:  every parenting right the pwBPD has after divorce they can (and presumably will) use to screw with the non-disordered parent.

Right to designate primary residence?  = decision to move as far away as legally possible under the decree.

Right to designate school?  = "OH, I'm going to put our child in the lousy district unless you're willing to fork over money for a private school."

Right to designate medical care/psychological care? = forum shopping until they find doctors and therapists as far away from your house as possible

and so on

[ForeverDad]

And just because her district is better doesn't mean she gets to be the decision maker about school, etc. It's just as fair for YOU to be the decision maker, and you happen to choose to put your son in school in her district.

Check your local and state rules, it may be that the child must attend school in the decision maker parent's own school district.

However, the real point made is that YOU as the more stable parent needs, if at all possible, to have a major say in the children's futures and schooling is high on that list since it also impacts other aspects of post-divorce life.  And as PeteWitsend and others learned the hard way, being in charge of schooling (or not) impacts you more than you might think.

School was my main consideration when my ex decided she would settle on Trial Day.  By that time my son had been in kindergarten in her school (she was in charge in her favorable temp order) and I was barely able to sit in on classes a couple mornings.  So I added only one condition to agree to a settlement... I would be the parent responsible for school.  Sure enough, I never moved even once but she moved at least three times, once out of the county.  I avoided having to follow her around.

[kells76]

I'm still conflicted about when I should tell her, though. I feel like sooner is better. I might as well get it out in the open so she can't say, you should have included me in this decision, or something similar.

Anytime I try to predict what will come out of a conversation and what the best approach is, it ends up being a waste of time. I could go over the different possible iterations of ABC = XYZ a million times in my head all night long. Then later I'll find out that I was wrong, ABC actually equals LMNOP. I'm finding, it's best just to go into it knowing the rules of engagement. She will attack me with FOG no matter what I do.

Here are the dots I'm connecting:

Maybe you have some residual sense of "if I could time the announcement right, then she won't complain that I should've told her sooner".

And, at the same time, you also see that no matter what you do, no matter how "perfectly" timed your announcements are, she will attack you.

I wonder if you can find some freedom there.

No matter what you do, or when... you're seeing that she'll find a way to blame you.

So, then... nothing is contingent on you finding the perfect timing for her.

I wonder if it might start to feel liberating for you to make the best decision you can for you and your son, regardless of how she may complain/attack.

So, while it's true that there may be "better" or "worse" times to announce the move, those are "better" or "worse"... for you, not her.

Find the best time for you to tell her you're moving and, as you're learning to do, expect the unexpected (and also an attack, sigh).

Live and decide with integrity, settled in your inner self.

It has taken DH and I many years to get there... to let go of how the kids' mom and stepdad may react, and to move forward with our lives with integrity, on our timeline.

There have been some "down to the wire" times... like, moving forward with a trip with the kids overseas, when the kids are telling us "Mom doesn't want us to go". We had to come to peace within ourselves that if we showed up on that doorstep and Mom said "they're not going" and the kids were brainwashed to say "we don't want to go", we would say "Sorry you'll miss out, we'll see you when we get back". It didn't come to that... precisely because we didn't base our reactions/decisions on "maybe we can appease Mom somehow, maybe we can convince her to want the kids to go, maybe this, maybe that". We just kind of ignored it and moved forward, knowing that she would complain the whole time.

...

There's no winning when it comes to timing out your life based on a disordered person's possible reactions.

There is winning (in a genuine way), and peace, and integrity, when you can look inside yourself and say, I did my own personal best, in truth. Nothing she can say or do can shake that for you. I hope you get some of that solidity!

[EZEarache]

Find the best time for you to tell her you're moving and, as you're learning to do, expect the unexpected (and also an attack, sigh).

There's no winning when it comes to timing out your life based on a disordered person's possible reactions.

There is winning (in a genuine way), and peace, and integrity, when you can look inside yourself and say, I did my own personal best, in truth. Nothing she can say or do can shake that for you. I hope you get some of that solidity!

So, yeah expect the unexpected. and here's how it all ended up playing out.

On Tuesday, I had a therapy session to discuss the situation and figure out the best approach. The therapist agreed with Kells76 that I didn’t need to tell her. He felt I should drop a hint that I might be relocating, and then tell her once the deal was closed, or it was at least more of a sure thing.

That’s great in theory, but as I mentioned in this thread, it’s pointless to try and strategize these conversations, because the exwBPD will always find some sort of loophole. This example is no exception.

So the night after the therapy session she dropped the baby off at my place. She started telling me that I owed money for Childcare. I guess she was trying to explain that there was a $6,000 total expense and I owed half of it, but she didn’t do it well.  I’m putting money together for a down payment, so it hit me off guard, and I asked if she needed the money right away, or if I could wait or pay some at a later time.

This also came as a surprise to me because she sent me the following text message about a month ago, during her dysregulation regarding the babysitter quitting.

“OK, I will take care of everything until it’s time for you to cover your portion of the final half of the last quarter and will provide you the dollar amount at that time. I don’t know right now what it will be because I haven’t gotten any bills yet.”
It was sent in reply to me asking what I owed for childcare, and seemed pretty straight forward that I wouldn’t owe anything until mid-November. Not having a payment until November was sort of a relief for me, because I’m about to dump all my cash savings into the down payment, and I’m still coming up a few grand short for closing costs.

After I asked if she needed the money right now, she asked me why I didn’t have money and I said I don’t want to talk about it. She pressed me on it, “I’m concerned, is everything alright?”

My response, “Everything is fine, I just don’t have a lot of money available right now.”

Ex, “Why what’s the matter I need to know?”

Me, “I don’t want to talk about it. It doesn’t pertain to you.”

Ex, “It does pertain to me because it pertains to baby's childcare. Is everything O.K?”

Me, “Everything is fine, I just don’t have any extra money right now, and you told me I didn’t owe anything on childcare until after he goes to daycare.”

Ex, “I never said that. Well if everything is O.K., then what is it? Are you buying property?”

Me, Under the gun, but not wanting to lie, “Yes.”

Ex, “Oh good for you. See you can talk to me about things. Where are you buying?”

Me, “towname.”

Ex, “Why don’t you ever want to communicate with me, this stuff is important.”

Me, “Because sometimes when I do communicate things, you don’t take it very well.”

I could see that she was crying, so I am assuming the realization that I was getting my own place and there was little chance for us to reconcile kicked in quickly. This took her down the road regarding my surprise that I owed her money for childcare now, and started telling me I never remember anything, and I make up my own sequence of events. This has been a pretty standard refrain for her lately during her dysregulations. To me this is very insulting, even though I realize it is probably projection. I admit that I did not maintain my composure, but insulting my intelligence and faculties, does tend to be a trigger for me.

I guess I had amygdala hijack, because I don’t remember what she said at this point. However, I demanded that she leave, but she kept screaming at me. I told her if she didn’t leave, I was calling the police. I could tell she wasn’t going to stop screaming, and I have neighbors, and the baby was nearby me. She kept screaming at the bottom of the stairs near my door, and I told her I was picking up the phone and starting to dial 911. She called me psychopath and left. I told her that goes double for you.

This more or less ruined my visit with the baby, because I had to dig up the text message during dinner, to prove to myself she told me what she did. Then my parents called later, that night and the conversation was mostly about what to do regarding the exwBPD instead of on the baby where it should have been.

So she is on vacation this week and was nice enough to agree to pick up the baby in the morning, before the argument ensued. She texted me this morning, saying you made it clear you don’t want me in your space. I got downstairs and she sat in the driver’s seat. I was going to hand her the baby, but she wanted me to put him in his car seat. I obliged. As soon as I opened the door, she started in on me in a nasty tone, “You didn’t listen to a thing I said last night.”

Me, “I listened to you.”
Ex, “No you didn’t, you’re a total psychopath.”

Me, “He’s not strapped in. I’m leaving.”

This stressed her out even more and she screamed at me in my driveway, again, and called me a psychopath at least three times. I don’t really remember most of what she screamed, once she starts screaming, I more or less just shut down and only remember a few key phrases.

Unfortunately, I lost my composure again, and yelled back, “you’re the psychopath, you have a serious personality disorder.”

So I definitely could have handled things better, but I can’t deal with her inappropriate personal attacks, especially in front of my neighbors.

I sent her a text a few minutes later, “From now on the handoffs will be conducted in a public place. I will not tolerate being screamed at in or around my house.”

She sent a few nasty messages back.

I’m out of my league. I don’t know that I will ever be able to successfully manage her behavior. She catches me off guard with really important things. I never could have seen that she was going to change her payment schedule on me coming. It’s basically the same thing she did to me when she told me he was going into daycare in early August. For some reason she thinks I was opposed to it. I wasn’t.

I think once the baby is in childcare in November, I’m going to have to start to file motions for custody with the courts. This way things are official and she can’t, “rewrite history.” The ironic thing is this is exactly what she’s accusing me of.

So I guess at this point is this an appropriate BIFF to email her:

Hi ExwBPD,

As I mentioned in the text message I believe it is best to meet in a public place for the handoff from now on. Please bring the baby to my office parking lot at 6, tonight. I can meet at the place of your choosing on Saturday, evening at 6.

[ForeverDad]

That could risk an occasional screamfest near your workplace.  How about a nearby public lot such as a restaurant or supermarket?  Possibly a little less convenient would be police stations or sheriff's offices.  For the first few years my exchanges were generally at the county's sheriff's office.  It was about 10 miles away but we knew the parking lot was video monitored.

[EZEarache]

I really don’t trust the police. From my experience it’s best to stay as far away from them as possible. The fact that I was threatening to involve them actually speaks volumes about how vulnerable I was feeling the other evening. When we were living together I would just leave when the dysregulation was unmanageable. In my own house having her scream at me, there’s no where to go.


So far work has been OK. My office is small, everyone knows my situation.  Honestly, I’d rather have it around people who know me, then my neighbors who are more or less strangers. There are several small children in my neighborhood, that could be playmates for the baby. I don’t want to get the reputation of being the crazy neighbor. Especially since lately she’s literally taken to screaming at me, “You’re psycho.”,

I also have the power to just leave from work. When she starts flipping out on me there.

I had her meeting me at work for a few weeks, but then the baby started getting upset when we moved him from car seat to car seat. She said it was better to meat at my place. I really couldn’t do much about it because then I would have been JADEing. She’s lost this privilege after We’d/Thirs.