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Author Topic: Accepting my son without accepting the behavior  (Read 581 times)
Tillyjinx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Dating widow
Posts: 4


« on: October 05, 2021, 02:34:44 AM »

I come from three generations of what I believe may have traits of BPD and narcissism. For many years I had no name to put on what I considered to be normal within my family. With the help of counseling I have been able to work on myself and believe strongly in choice therapy. My mother, I believe to has many narcissistic traits and my childhood had many facets of emotional neglect which would not have been uncommon at the time (children should be seen and not heard).  My sister left home when I was 9 and she was 18 to live “in sin” as it was called at the time, with her boyfriend. I absorbed the deep sense of shame of my parents without knowing why and tried to be good so that I wouldn’t disappear too. There followed decades of conflict between my mother and my sister often with years of silence. I was a happy somewhat anxious child who went off and adopted a new family!  My father was a functioning alcoholic who died suddenly at 60.  After years of having no interest in me unawares, I became a co dependent to my mothers many narcissistic traits, the guilt, the gaslighting, the flying monkeys etc. I was married happily and my wonderful husband acted as a buffer between us. We had 2 children a boy and a girl. My mother was a devoted grand mother to our son but the reality (with the gift of hindsight) was that she was creating the golden child to whom she wished to be both mother and father. Her aim furthered by my getting seriously ill  followed by the death of his father when my son was 15 thus providing a void she could fill. She understood him, she showered him with money and empathized with him living in a house with women (she had no interest in females).

Fast forwarding to present day and my son is now in his late 20s living at home refusing to work, isolated sad and angry. He displays traits of unconventional BPD turning his anger outwards. He has never been physically abusive  but there are many broken door handles in our house forced out of place in “controlled anger”.  I have done the good cop bad cop routine for so many years. I know my inconsistency has probably fueled the fire. I know I am a trigger rather than the cause. My head is melted between trying to help and being true to myself. 

The problem has come to a head for me: I am benefitting from counseling and looking after myself. However, my mother who is in her 90s and weak physically, is still mentally alert and extremely manipulative and controlling. My sister who I believe to have an undiagnosed mental disorder traits of BPD and who was out of the picture for many years returned to live with my mother. This was after her partner of almost 50 years was tragically and horrifically killed. They can’t stand each other and my mother pits her grandson (the golden child) against her. Inevitably the drama comes home to me to “fix” things. I have and continue to work hard on myself and accept I am the only thing I can control. 

I am faced with 3 generations who see nothing wrong with their behavior and for whom nothing is ever enough and the sense of entitlement is great. I have walked away from my mother and sister and a family of origin for whom my only value was my “use” to them.  I have just retired and planning on fulfilling a dream to move to the country. Although my son says he hates where we have lived for the last 25 years he also hates the mention of any change. According to him I am the cause of all his struggles and yet I know he loves me. He has issues with boundaries. He is oblivious to anyone else’s struggles and takes for granted his comfortable home. My plans to move have been broadcast within the wider family and flying monkeys as making him homeless. My mother sees it as an opportunity to get him to move in and look after her which is generally considered as inappropriate and disastrous. This is also being used by her as a threat to my sister. 

My need for freedom is greater than my need for belonging. I have little interest in trying to salvage a relationship with my mother and sister. My son is different I love him and want what’s best for him.. His relationship with his grandmother is strong and she has taught him well and her influence will outlive her. This scares me. 

As I plan a new life I want to proceed in a way that’s best for all of us. He refuses to seek professional help. He resents seeing us happy.  His sister has moved abroad as did my brothers many decades ago. He has settled in to the misery of our relationship. He is adamant he doesn't want to live alone but doesn’t want to live with anyone else. He says he doesn’t want to grow up.  He doesn’t want change. I have suggested many choices: stay and rent out rooms,  come with me and work within the family or outside, find his own place etc. I have worked hard at self contentment, creatively, academically career wise and in my personal life. This aside, I am relatively happy and content. Talking about change to him is a trigger. I am so tired, having had a lifetime of energy draining exposure of loved ones needs. The fear, the obligation and the guilt. It’s a one way street. I can’t keep banging my head off a brick wall. I accept my son but cannot accept his behavior: his anger, his sense of entitlement, his manipulation and the inconsistent person I become in order to stand up for myself.

I am not versed in social media and hope this is not out of sync with the rest of the forum. If so I apologies in advance. Just putting it in writing for the first time ever, in a place where someone might empathize has been good. Thank you for reading.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Leaf56
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 300


« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2021, 07:44:58 AM »

I think you might've given this way more thought than you need to. You believe in choice theory so it should be obvious to you what you need to do. Maybe you just need someone to say it and absolve you of the guilt: Move to the country without your son and start enjoying your life. If talking to your mother bothers you, decrease the amount you do so to once a month until she dies, which sounds like it will be very soon. Tell your son he's on his own as of the moment you move so he'd better find a job and a place to live. Done and dusted. Welcome!
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Tillyjinx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Dating widow
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2021, 12:39:11 PM »

Thank you so much for taking the time to post such a positive reply, it’s appreciated.  I intend to try my best to achieve this.
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Mama Llama 57
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2021, 08:23:47 PM »

I am new here and certainly no expert.  But as a parent who knows what living with an adult child that has BPD is like, my advice would be to do what makes you happy--starting right now. I have spent so many years trying to make things better, trying to help my adult Bpd child--and spending a great deal of my hard earned money to clean up whatever his anger happens to destroy.  I guess none of us really knows what our children can do until we give them the opportunity to try.  This is the issue I am also faced with at the moment.  I am realizing that I need to give my own son the opportunity to try.  Part of me thinks my adult BPD son can make it on his own but...I worry he might not.  And if he doesn't, what will that mean for my future?  I am getting older and I am tired.  I deserve to have control over my own home.  I know this but I struggle with the thought that he will feel I have abandoned him if I tell him he cant live at home anymore.

 I was listening to a podcast or an audio book the other day and the author said something like this on the issue of our role as parents of adult children:  Your job now is like that of a lighthouse.  Would a lighthouse leave its place on land, dive into the water, chase the the big boat and scream, "HEY! If you continue on this path, you are going to end up crashing on those rocks!"? No, a lighthouse stays where it has been built and continues to be a 'guiding light'.  That spoke to me. 

I'd also like to say that I am really glad you mentioned about the broken doors in your house.  I just had a guy come to my house to measure several doors that were broken by my son and need to be repaired or replaced.  I thought I was the only one.

Anyway, best of luck to you.  I know my advice (do what makes you happy) is easier said than done.  Peace be with you.    Mama llama 57
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Tillyjinx

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Dating widow
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2021, 04:09:53 AM »

It is reassuring to know that it is not just me.  Your words are like gold dust. Thank you Mama Llama 57. We all deserve to be happy!
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