Triggers: DIL with Grandbaby

[Ichoosehope]

We have a daughter in law that was diagnosed with bpd a few years ago.  My son has been married to her for 5 years and they now have a baby that’s 9 months old.  We are feeling so sad, hurt, and frustrated because when trying to have a casual conversation with her,  she is triggered by something one of says and then gets really defensive and outwardly angry to us.  We try to clear up any confusion and hurt with her right away and ask what specifically(the trigger) was it that was said but she is so angry that she can’t even talk about it.  When the last outburst happened, our son was also completely confused and upset as to what and why she was SO upset.
And It seems like just when we have an idea what a trigger topic might be, it can change or she will react differently each time depending on her mood to begin with.  I have read A LOT of great resources on bpd to better understand and cope with her hurtful behaviors but honestly we are now feeling like maybe WE are just always going to be her trigger because no matter how careful and loving we are with our actions and words, she is unhappy/offended.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi there. Glad you have posted here.

Has the level where a trigger is set off changed since the baby was born - or has it always been the same.

It's just that any added stress at all for someone with BPD means that there is a very low threshold of when something is triggered. Is she coping well with the baby?

It is amazing how the bpd person interprets even totally friendly words as 'having a go' at them. Their self concept is very poor.