Please help

[Anonymous53]

Hi guys

First of all. Thank you so much for all the posts on here. I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I seriously need help to understand what is happening in my bpd ex girlfriends mind. I can’t seem to get any closure within my self. All I wan’t is for her to contact me again and I don’t know if this will ever happen.

So here’s the story: I broke up with my bpd girlfriend 5 weeks ago because I couldn’t handle the constant push-pull, jealousy, fighting, gaslighting and so on. I did everything for her and her daughter (who I have known since birth, and I was like a farther for her througout all her life). We were togethers for 1,5 years (on/off). I left two times prior to this one, because it was to unbearable to be mistreated on a daily basis. However, I always regret it within a few days/weeks. This time it felt different. She didn’t panik, she didn’t threaten to comit suicide and she didn’t try to make me stay like the other times. She seemed cold and distant. The next day she sent me a text saying she was sorry that she couldn’t be the girl who made me feel appreciated and loved, and that it would never be the two of us again. She could probably forgive me in time, but she would never again give me the opportunity to leave her again.

The following days she posted pictures of herself looking happy on Instagram (normally she would post something really sad, but not this time). Four days later she unfriended me on Facebook/Instagram. I did not respond as she had done this every single time she was mad at me. Five days later she blocked me on Instagram and Facebook. I did not respond. Two days later she matched my friend on Tinder, but he closed it down immediately and send me a screenshot, where she wrote him that they were a perfect match (she know for sure he would tell me). Then she met me at work, and I ignorered her (as she had asked me to if I ever met her). At 02.00 AM that same night, she send me a text from another man’s number ( I am possitive it was from her, but how she did it I don’t know). I suspect she was so furious of me ignoring her, that she found someone on Tinder who she slept with, “borrowed” his phone and texted me. That was two weeks ago and I haven’t heard anything from her since. I have been NC through it all.

I know she had not found new supply before I broke up with her, and she still hasn’t (im quite sure of this). So my qustions are, does she do these toxic things to reach out to me? I know I am probably painted black, but do you think she will try and connect with me again? We were friends for 9 years before we got together as lovers, and I know I was her favourite person for many years as she has told me this for several years (even before we got together). Am I out of her life for good this time? Was this the final discard?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

I feel like a broken record, but please read the Stop Walking On Eggshells book and Workbook.   It is the best tool to help you figure this stuff out.

Have something to write down your thoughts.  Putting them down so you can re-read and edit them really helped me get clarity.  I like writing electronically, because I type faster and more legibly than I write.  It also makes it easy to search stuff later, if you want to process your thoughts.

[Anonymous53]

Hi Bugwaterguy

I know you are just trying to help, and thank you very much for that.

However, I need some answers directed to my my specific situation. I have already read tons of articles and so on, but it doesn’t relieve the pain and the deprivation I am feeling. I would really like to have someone other than myself to objectively offer their opinion on my situation. Thank you very much though.

[thankful person]

Hi anon,
I understand that you love your ex deeply, and that you want to be with her.
Unfortunately I don’t know whether she will change her mind and want to get back with you. Everyone’s experiences are different and bpd can be impossible to predict sometimes.
I recommend you find a therapist that can help you with processing your own emotions.
I think some of us here might say they would prefer an easier relationship with an emotionally healthy person, if they had never met their partner, and could know that they were happy with someone else. I would be one of those. But there are reasons to stay in certain relationships.
It might help you to learn why you want to be in this relationship, other than your love for your ex. I only say this because I was deeply broken already when I met my wife, and actively had searched since a young age for someone more broken who I could help, in order to make my own existence seem worthwhile. I wouldn’t change anything because we have two wonderful children, conceived through ivf, who would not even exist if we weren’t together. And I have learnt some extremely useful skills here, for coping in this relationship. But I wouldn’t choose it, knowing what I know now. Bpd are emotionally disabled and can never learn to relate to us on a normal and fair level. I hope I’ve made some sense and not seemed unkind. Ironically my wife will not allow me to go to therapy, and I’m not ready to tackle this one yet. But I know that it would help me.

[bugwaterguy]

I understand how you are feeling.  I am there too.  I found a great coach who has helped tremendously.   Seek a therapist who understands BPD and can help you through this.

(Again I feel like a broken record)  "Tons of articles" might not be as good as Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook. 

What specifically would you like an opinion on?

[once removed]

people with bpd have a high degree of rejection sensitivity, and they can be pretty vindictive in a breakup.

that could range from trying to get your attention, to ignoring you, to much more problematic stuff like stalking (im not suggesting that might happen here) or other things.

you broke up with her. shes pissed and upset about it. she did a few things to get your attention, didnt get it, and gave up.

does that sound like what youre experiencing?

[Anonymous53]

Hi Once removed

That actually sounds pretty accurate. I have still not heard another word from her and she hasn’t tried anything in about three weeks. So she has probably given up on me now. Still blocked everywhere tho.

Do you think it is all over or do you think she will try to reach out again?