Adult son's SO has BPD and this is tearing our family apart

[emmapeelTX]

My youngest son's girlfriend has BPD. They're both 36 years old. He's a paramedic; she's an interior designer. They aren't married but have been together for almost 4 years. Approximately 6 months ago, at her urging, he gave up his apartment and moved into a tiny house that she rents where she lives with her mother, her 15-year-old son from a previous relationship, her younger sister, and her 4-year-old niece. She's had a very tumultuous life. She told us her father was murdered several years ago very violently. I'll spare you the ugly details, although she didn't spare us. A few years later, her older brother, driving drunk, was killed in a car accident. A teen-age niece was recently killed in a car accident when her uncle (the girl's father) was drunk driving. Her uncle was also killed in that accident. She herself has had a DUI. She told us an incredible story about that accident, which happened in Mexico. She claimed that the hospital where her niece was taken refused to treat her until her cousin brought $40K in cash. She said her cousin did this, but when he arrived with the cash "it was too late" and her niece "who could have been saved" died.

She's paranoid and constantly fighting with people, sometimes physically. My son told his brother the first time he broke up with her, she pulled a knife on him and then slashed a lot of his things, including pillows.

My son is the youngest of our four children. His twin brother is 2 minutes older, and our daughters are 7 and 10 years older. We're divorced, but my ex and I have a good relationship. We've always been a close family, e.g., we've almost always gotten together for things like birthdays and holidays, even after the divorce, and until he began this relationship, all four kids were in regular contact.

Being twins, my sons were especially close. For years, they were in contact almost every day, either phoning or texting each other. Sadly, that is no longer the case. She's also found fault with all of his friends, so one by one he's given them up. She screens his texts and recently put parental controls on his phone. He told his brother that her putting parental controls on his phone "is actually a good thing, because it helps keep me from doing stupid things". At a recent family dinner, she got drunk and confrontational and said things to embarrass him. The next day he (or she) began blocking his father and I from texting him. It took me a while to figure this out, but a few days ago, after we got our Covid boosters, I texted him to thank him for advising us where to go to get this done, which he'd done a few weeks ago. He didn't respond, though, not even to say "NP". I then realized he hadn't responded to any of my texts since the family dinner where she got drunk and obnoxious. This was unusual (his not responding at all), and when I looked back at my texts since the party, I saw that the color had changed. I Googled that, and it suggested that the color change is possibly due to being blocked. I don't know for a fact that we are, but it would explain why he didn't respond. I emailed him and asked if we'll see the two of them for Thanksgiving. I didn't say anything else, except "please let me know". I received a terse reply: "Probably not."

I know he's in a difficult position. I don't want to make things worse for him. I've been trying to figure out how I can be supportive of him, which is how I found this site. I've told his siblings that he's chosen her so we must try to accept her, but she's said (and said again at the dinner) that she "knows" we're all against her. At this point, I think I'm going to write him and tell him I love him and will always be here for him, but that I recognize he's an adult and that I must respect his choices. I don't know what else I can do. I'm grateful to be able to talk about this. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I'd like to hear them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi EmmapeelTX

I am glad that you have found this site. It has helpful information for those with a child with BPD, but the same applies when there is a SO BPD involved.

BPD is such a complex illness and the way it manifests itself affects everyone within that person's circle. It is particularly difficult when you have a close family and everyone gets on well - enter a BPD partner and everything changes.

The very fact that your son has a close bond with family members is a threat to someone with BPD. The fear of abandonment is like a huge wound and the only thing that stops the pain is when someone is 'exclusively' theirs.

I am just focused on your plan to send the message to your son and I wonder if SO would be reading the text?

Other questions that come to mind are:

Does your son spring to her defence if you make even a general comment in reference to her or her behaviour?
Was SO abusive etc when she was under the influence of alcohol?
Were there other times when the family were together when SO managed the situation okay?

I suppose the basic choice for you is whether you step back and let your son explore the relationship and the living situation he has chosen and wait to see how he manages this with keeping a relationship with his own family.

Or do you keep trying to include them in the usual family get togethers? It's a dilemma.

Is there a way of sending a casual invite  - or asking what they are doing (like you have done) that would be to both of them? I assume the contact that has been blocked is to your son's phone so wondering if you have a number for her and could send a 'Hi there, just wondering if you have worked out your plans for xxxxx'. Hope we get to see you both at some point.

I think that things have changed and it will be a new way forward - if possible. Understanding BPD will help a lot in working out how to relate to someone with this illness.

I hope you keep in touch and wish you and your family the strength to cope with this painful situation.

[Being]

Hi EmmapeelTX, 
May I suggest that you simply focus on rebuilding trust and opening communication? Let go of any and all judgments, problem solving, or goals around getting him to do or not do something. For now, the first step toward trust and communication is validation.
Validation communicates that your son's feelings and desires are legitimate, authentic, respectable and that they make sense. If you can try to put yourself into his shoes see his decisions and actions as a way to best manage his life -- from his perspective right now -- this may be helpful. That is not to say that his decisions are wise or effective for sustaining and healthy and wholesome life, but that they are understandable given his situation, hopes and desires, and all of his life experiences.
Validation is just the first step to try to reopen the lines of communication. You cannot help if he has cut off contact. One day he may be ready to change and he will know he can count on you.
To help you understand this approach, may I suggest the books, "Genuine Validation, Compassionate Communication that Transforms Difficult Relationships at Home and Work" OR "You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better."