Is this normal? Slowly being alienated.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello -

This is my first post. I am in a co-parenting relationship with an un-diagnosed BPD mother of my child. Our relationship started off insane. She love bombed me, made me feel as though I was perfect, etc. Once I fell in love things started to change. Extreme jealousy, suspicions, accusing me of cheating, the works. I hung in there for over 2 years. She was a stay at home Mom for our son's first year. I happily provided everything for this to work out. We both made a decision that it may be best she move out to create a peaceful environment for our son. At first, we were making out relationship work. As time went on, she went cold. She has lied and manipulated the custody schedule to make me look like a horrible parent. Does not want my family or friends involved in our son's life, who are all wonderful people he loves and they love him back. The controlling behavior has made me feel so crazy I can't even explain it in words. I am hurt. I think of her with other people (which I am sure she has moved on to swiftly), even tho I know this relationship was toxic.

As of today I am fearful she will try and take our son to another city. By law she currently cannot, but she has "won" every court appearance thus far. I keep getting less and less time with my son based off her lies and baiting me into believing we were going to be together. All lies. All something I obsess over daily. Is this normal from a BPD? I have even questioned if I have BPD from all this, tho my therapist is certain I do not. I feel like I am in hell and am sick to my stomach. Is there hope?

[gracealone2021]

Hello -

This is my first post. I am in a co-parenting relationship with an un-diagnosed BPD mother of my child. Our relationship started off insane. She love bombed me, made me feel as though I was perfect, etc. Once I fell in love things started to change. Extreme jealousy, suspicions, accusing me of cheating, the works. I hung in there for over 2 years. She was a stay at home Mom for our son's first year. I happily provided everything for this to work out. We both made a decision that it may be best she move out to create a peaceful environment for our son. At first, we were making out relationship work. As time went on, she went cold. She has lied and manipulated the custody schedule to make me look like a horrible parent. Does not want my family or friends involved in our son's life, who are all wonderful people he loves and they love him back. The controlling behavior has made me feel so crazy I can't even explain it in words. I am hurt. I think of her with other people (which I am sure she has moved on to swiftly), even tho I know this relationship was toxic.

As of today I am fearful she will try and take our son to another city. By law she currently cannot, but she has "won" every court appearance thus far. I keep getting less and less time with my son based off her lies and baiting me into believing we were going to be together. All lies. All something I obsess over daily. Is this normal from a BPD? I have even questioned if I have BPD from all this, tho my therapist is certain I do not. I feel like I am in hell and am sick to my stomach. Is there hope?

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, but it's good you found your way to this site. A number of members have gone through extensive custody and legal work when th BPD exes and can certainly help and support you.

What court actions have your ex "won"? Are you satisfied with your current attorney, and does he/she understand high conflict or personality-disordered exes?

Aside from your fear that your son will be taken out of state, where is most of your conflict happening with her? How much interaction do you have with her, and how do you communicate?

Are there areas of your custody agreement that you think need to be tightened up? What level/amount of custody do you have now? Joint legal? 50-50 Physical?

[sterlingblue]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  My children also are being alienated against me by my uBPD stbxw.  It's extremely painful because I know it's damaging them psychologically, and it seems there is very little I can do about it.  You're right -- it is hell and it can make you sick.

Sadly, this does seem to be "normal" behavior for people with this PD.

You're not the crazy one.  You want your son to be loved and supported by both parents, and apparently his mother does not.  Ask yourself, which is the healthy attitude?

[gracealone2021]

Thank you both for the replies. Makes me feel better I am not alone and people can relate. She "won" the last hearing we had which established the custody. We have joint legal, tho I only get him 9 days a month which is ridiculous. She lied about how much she had him and blamed my work schedule, which I do have to travel. That being said I can still have him with me much more than 9 days a month. I am very unhappy with this and have a new lawyer I am actually meeting with today. On top of that anything I suggest as a parent isn't even considered: daycare selection, swimming lessons, literally anything! She is legit afraid of everything. I mean EVERYTHING, and is a helicopter parent to the T. No trust in me ever, even when we were dating. After our last court appearance, we haven't been communicating much at all. She is very cold toward me and seems like she doesn't care at all. Blames me for everything (of course). Our texts are very short and drop offs are uncomfortable. She still just walks into my house even tho I asked her I think it would be best if we just grabbed him from the other parent's car. I am trying to create boundaries with this because she will literally come in my house and point on things and snoop. This makes no sense at all.