Almost a year of no contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Last December my therapist finally provided a breakthrough in my troubles with my son's father. "Troubles" is putting it very lightly. I went through hell after ending things with him when my son was 4 months old. My therapist suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and it changed the trajectory of my life. I read it in like 3 days and then found this community. At the time, he was on a roll with the holiday ruining and I couldn't even enjoy my Christmas. After reading, it appears he may have a mix of BPD and NPD. Since then, I have gone no-contact with my ex. My parents handle all "hand-offs" and communication with him which has gone somewhat smoothly. I blocked him in every way so that he could not contact me and this year I have been building back my life and confidence. Recently, he has told my dad that he wanted to have a conversation with me and it seemingly was going to be about custody. We honestly have nothing to talk about because the last time we spoke, he was ranting and threatening about how he would figure out how to get full custody of our son. All the typical "this is all your fault" slander. I know it was the BPD talking now, but it really scared me at the time. Especially knowing he is emotionally and mentally unstable.

I wonder when I'll get the strength to be able to talk to him. Or if I even need to. Our son is 3 now and I just want to be able to have a regular conversation about when his next soccer game is or how well he's doing in school, but that's not a reality at the moment. It's wild to think we were great friends in college, fell in love, and as soon as I got pregnant he immediately shifted into this really dark, scary person I didn't recognize and hasn't been the same since. My son adores his father and I just want him to get the help he desperately needs. Maybe one day.

[mndnc832]

Hi all,

Last December my therapist finally provided a breakthrough in my troubles with my son's father. "Troubles" is putting it very lightly. I went through hell after ending things with him when my son was 4 months old. My therapist suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and it changed the trajectory of my life. I read it in like 3 days and then found this community. At the time, he was on a roll with the holiday ruining and I couldn't even enjoy my Christmas. After reading, it appears he may have a mix of BPD and NPD. Since then, I have gone no-contact with my ex. My parents handle all "hand-offs" and communication with him which has gone somewhat smoothly. I blocked him in every way so that he could not contact me and this year I have been building back my life and confidence. Recently, he has told my dad that he wanted to have a conversation with me and it seemingly was going to be about custody. We honestly have nothing to talk about because the last time we spoke, he was ranting and threatening about how he would figure out how to get full custody of our son. All the typical "this is all your fault" slander. I know it was the BPD talking now, but it really scared me at the time. Especially knowing he is emotionally and mentally unstable.

I wonder when I'll get the strength to be able to talk to him. Or if I even need to. Our son is 3 now and I just want to be able to have a regular conversation about when his next soccer game is or how well he's doing in school, but that's not a reality at the moment. It's wild to think we were great friends in college, fell in love, and as soon as I got pregnant he immediately shifted into this really dark, scary person I didn't recognize and hasn't been the same since. My son adores his father and I just want him to get the help he desperately needs. Maybe one day.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  My fiancé is in a somewhat similar position.  When she divorced, she put parental communications were to be email only in the attached custody support agreement.  My fiancé floods easily when dealing with her ex.  Artifacts of PTSD possibly.   

As you might imagine, her ex pitched a fit but eventually he figured out she was not going to see him in person, nor talk with him on the phone.  He settled on texting and we thought that would be OK.  Well, it wasn't as he text bombs when deregulating and it triggeres my GF.  So we went back to court and the court ordered email communications as part of the court order and not in the attachment.  So far, its working but it's only been 30 days. 

Is there anything to be gained by you if you meet personally?  If he insists, then ask him to write a letter (or send an email) with his proposal and you will respond in writing.  If you want to play hard ball, have him send his proposal through your lawyer.  If the request is legitimate, he'll make the effort to write.  Be well.  CoMo