Setting Boundaries

[hidingmyself]

Hi Everyone. First, I want to say I have enjoyed reading many of your posts and have even been able to chuckle at some of your comments as they ring so true and makes me know I am not alone. My 23 yo daughter has been in some type of therapy on and off for about 11 years. There have been good periods and bad. She was never diagnosed with BPD, probably because she would be considered quite mild in relation to what I have read about so many others. In talking with my own therapist I have come to realize that this is definitely her. My current situation is that she lives at home and really has no other option. She has recently come to the conclusion that all of her difficulties are due to her horrible home and the horrible parenting that we have provided. Mind you, this can go on for quite some time. I also have a 21 yo daughter here that is exposed to all of this. She stays in her room and has not been the brunt of any of the abuse. 95% is saved for me and her dad probably gets the other 5%. Our dog will go outside, in the middle of the yard, to get away from it. I made the very wrong decision to try and talk to her about BPD. She then blamed me some more, stating that I should have gotten her help and that she has done some reading about BPD and it's not just due to brain disorder but also "childhood trauma." There again, wanting to make sure that I understand my blame. I found out today that my 21 yo has been recording some of her rages in case we needed it to "prove" something. We are all getting so tired of walking on eggshells and feeling like we are being held hostage, but what to do? She is working, for now, but who knows for how long. There is no where for her to go and no one for her to stay with. I know we can't keep going like this. It's just not healthy and not fair. Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Assuming it is BPD:

My first thought is that if she's willing to accept it's BPD in exchange for some tacit acknowledgement that her upbringing likely contributed to it, even if in ways you don't yet fully understand but would like to learn more about...then that's a goldmine, seize the opportunity and see if she'll agree to talk to somebody about it all.

[By Still Water]

Hello Hidingmyself,
      Would she be willing to get an apartment with a friend or two?  What would she say if you said something like, "Since you believe we're so terrible, you would undoubtedly like to live somewhere else. How about moving out with a roommate?" 
      I know this sounds easier said than done. I'm sorry for your painful predicament.

[Sancho]

Hello Hidingmyself
First of all I am just so drawn to your screen name! That is me at the moment. I drop GD at school and go off anywhere until time to pick GD up!

BPD dd has - I think - broken up with the latest and seems to be home fulltime atm. We have had about 18 months of at home full time or part time and it has been so tough.

I have tried all the other things like supporting to take up own life - ending in me being financially worse off by lots $$$$$.  Also it ended up as a place for all similarly poor - functioning friends to drop in and generally live.

You mention that DD is probably not as severe as some other BPDs. It is a complex condition that has a lot of co--morbidities. I am wondering whether a mild anti-depressant might be helpful ie if there was any possibility of trying it.

The reason I say this is that when my BPD dd was around same age as yours, she did try something like prozac - and the difference was very noticeable very quickly. Of course my DD went off it (but my DD has lots of other problems as well as the BPD), but I was amazed at how much the mood swings etc were lessened by it all.

Could you explore any possibility of depression with her - eg in terms of the effect of covid on young people - or general things?

I used to be able to negotiate a little and get dd to try these things. It didn't solve BPD - don't get me wrong there - it just raised the bar of what would set her off, and meant you could actually have a conversation with her.

Just a thought . . . .

[hidingmyself]

I can so relate to just staying away as much as possible. My dd has been on medication for years, and yes, they do help a lot. However, she is currently not taking any and using marijuana, which is greatly exacerbating her moods, irrational thoughts. The past week or so has been brutal, although I have been able to avoid any outright rages for a few days. Yesterday, I just told her that I am not going to have any discussions with her without a therapist.  Going to work is my only solace. I have been trying to get out of the house before she gets up. She is continuing to work for now, probably because it is her only source of money for marijuana. I am just in a state of shock at how awful she has become. My 21 yo dtr is suffering greatly because of this. She just finished a vet tech program and is looking for a job. She says she has to move out even though she doesn't want to. She can't take it. Her bedroom shares a wall with her sister. She wants nothing to do with her. She and I are going to look at an apartment to rent to get her away from this. She's like "I don't need furniture, I don't care what it looks like. I can sleep on the floor." I am going to support her and help her every way I can. It's the least I can do for what she has had to endure. She does not want her sister to know anything about the move and just wants to move out quietly to avoid the drama. I will respect her wishes. Again, it's the least I can do. I can just imagine the blow up after it happens. What I will not do is move my bp DD out. I have already thrown away thousands of dollars on college that did nothing but delay what is happening now and I can see the writing on the wall of how that would go, like you mentioned above. Enough is enough...

[Couscous]

I'm wondering if learning a bit about family systems theory and something called the identified patient, and maybe even looking into family therapy might be something that could be helpful in this situation. My BPD brother has always been seen as "the problem child" and in the end it turned out that there were other family dynamics at play that were exacerbating the situation.   

[beatricex]

hi hidingmyself,

Welcome and sorry for the reason you have come here 

I had to laugh that the dog goes outside.

OK, so younger daughter is recording older sis?  WTH?  Does this help her to stop raging or does the rage then become paranoia about being recorded?

I cannot offer much help, but I also have a step daughter (she's an adult with two kids of her own) that loves to blame bio mom and dad (my husband) for everything going wrong in her life.

I realize I'm extremely lucky because she does not live with us.  I am also extremely lucky because she only raged at me once.  Then she cut off all contact unless my husband divorced me.  Before the cutoff, she used to text her dad everyday.  I got tired of hearing his phone ping all night, so I made him leave the phone in another room.  He said 'but I need it for an alarm clock' and I replied 'I'll set mine..' Boundaries were something I've seen my husband grasp, rather quickly, and I am real thankful for that.  We've come a long way.

I am 45% dissapointed that my husband passed on an invitation to family connections.  I am 55% relieved he passed on an invitation to family connections (I also applied but they never contacted me - maybe step moms don't count?).  The obvious reason being is I am not sure if that program even works?  I kind of like the quiet now that she's gone, but I am realistic and know, one day she will be back.  And yes, we need skills.  Sounds like your family does as well.

 
b-inhiding (but not by choice, I swear!)