Flaking

[M-T]

Hi there,

My almost-21-yo daughter (w/ BPD) does not live with us and it's been a rough year, though recently a little more calm since we don't see or hear from her much. She lives in the same city as us (her father and me, step-mom, but I consider myself mom) and has lived with us since she was 9. I have two younger sons, 13 and 5, as well. Her mom's side of the family lives on the other side of the country and her mom was abusive and neglectful when our daughter lived there. She continues to be an unstable presence in my daughter's life, but my daughter does have grandparents and other siblings that live there, as crazy as they are, of course she loves them but has a difficult relationship with them. I am proud of some of the things she's done lately, like sticking with her job and figuring out her living situation on her own, paying her bills, etc. We do still pay for some things but not too much. She will not take medication and I don't think she's been going to therapy lately either.

Over the last couple months, she's been pretty flaky when we've invited her over for dinner. COVID has made it challenging, since any little sniffle that people may have make us extra cautious, plus we've had some direct exposures at the school, etc. However, every time I invite her over, she acts as if she's excited, says she can't wait to see us, etc. Then last minute she'll bale on us, usually saying she doesn't feel well. Sometimes the excuse is her unreliable car, though it seems like it's reliable when she needs it to be. In all honesty, it can be a relief when she doesn't come. I experience a lot of stress in preparation for hanging out with her. But if I have told my sons (and I do this less and less), of course they are disappointed. My 13-yo is starting to catch on and, sadly, expects it.

For Thanksgiving, we had plans to hang with my sis-in-law and brother-in-law. She was excited and it was always the plan for her to join us. No pressure, all she's gotta do is show up. Last minute (night before really late), she texts saying she might not come afterall because she's "not feeling well physically or mentally." I tell her that Thanksgiving seems like an important enough family gathering that I'd like her to call so we can discuss what's going on. She calls and she says a few main things to me (which also indicates she's partially lying, as she is not physically sick at all): 1. She's stressing about being around everyone and people asking her questions. Mind you, these people have loved and known her her whole life. We're a laid back family that loves her and understand what she has been through and what her current struggles are. She hasn't seen them much lately. I ask what questions she's worried about and she says, "I don't know, what if they just ask me how I am. Do I tell them I'm PLEASE READ and ruin their night?" (In my head I'm thinking...well we're all used to that) . 2. This time of year is hard for her and she basically wishes she could be with her other family. I understand this about her - it's always been a struggle for her this time of year. But the way she phrased it just really rubbed me the wrong way. She didn't say, "I just really miss my other family this time of year and it makes me sad." She says, "I'm just realizing that for the past 10+ years I've had to spend the holidays with this family and not the other family." I'm only now, in retrospect, seeing how it is the way that she said that that was hurtful and made me feel defensive. 3. She wants to spend it with her boyfriend and his family (who she lives with). Ding ding ding, there's the real reason. I tell her that if she wanted to spend it with him, she should have told me awhile ago and not try to change plans last minute. She says, "I thought you would be mad at me." I say, "Not as mad as when you try to change plans on me last minute." And then I basically say, "Everyone is expecting you; you don't have to stay long, just eat with us." And she angrily says, "Fine I can come" and I say, "Great! I'll see you later" (not necessarily in a calm way." She shows up and we have a nice time! It's easy. You'd never know we had that conversation that morning. So she was either just sucking it up and miserable on the inside and acting on the outside (something she says she does all the time), OR she actually enjoyed herself. I feel like the longer she is away from her family, the more she is overthinking what the interactions will be like. She pushed me away HARD (and in very hurtful ways) over the summer and I feel like she's doing that to the rest of her more stable family. It may be easier to exist around unstable people for her.

Fast-forward to this week. My mom and step-dad are coming to visit. I am aware that my mom has tried, over the last few months, to communicate with my daughter by text. Checking in, asking her what she wants for birthday/christmas, etc. No responses. They have treated my daughter as their own grandchild since she came into my life. My daughter has never fully reciprocated. I am also aware that just being a 21-yo, she's not going to be the best communicator, etc. So I let her know of the two opportunities there will be to hang out with them, one just us to celebrate Christmas, and another where we're just doing dinner with the them and my husband's family (the ones from Thanksgiving). I make sure she knows she doesn't need to come to both. Here is the response I got: "Okay, I can do friday evening, i do have work the next day super early tho so i wont be able to stay all night. thanks for the invite imma just need to see where im at mentally and all that".

So finally, my question & advice seeking: How do I respond to this? 1. I feel it's important for her to see them. They're traveling from far away, haven't seen her in years, have gifts for her, etc. 2. I really don't do well with last minute changes like that. I'm trying to remove myself from the worry of "well I told people she'd be here so what does it look like to them when she doesn't show up". It's really not a worry for me - they all know her and this would not be unexpected or surprising behavior to them. 3. I'm trying to be mindful of her position and boundaries too. I don't want to force someone, who is clearly experiencing a lot of anxiety, into hanging out with a group of people. But again, it makes me anxious not knowing her plans, or knowing her plans could change last minute at the whim of her emotions.

I would like to understand what is going on with her and at the same time, I don't want to know. We've danced a very delicate dance over the last year around this. Her putting too much on me and telling me every dark detail to her pushing me away and telling me I was a terrible parent to her and wasn't ever good enough, never did the right things by her. Asking her what's going on, how she is doing, what's wrong ... all dangerous invitations with no clear pathway. I stand by my belief that she needs both medication and therapy. She's doing neither and now is clearly paranoid about hanging out with family.

Thanks for any advice anyone has to offer. I haven't responded to her because I'm a little conflicted on the best approach. I feel like she's only considering herself. And when I bring up that her actions affect how other people feel, I'm made to feel like I'm exacerbating her conditions by making her feel guilty.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Hi M-T, I just said on my other thread that I wouldn't respond on other threads because I realize my posting style can be a little blunt. So I'm going to ask first if you want me to respond to you. If not, no worries at all, and 

[M-T]

Sure, no problem. We've been back and forth before.

Just as long as others feel free to chime in with differing perspectives.

[Leaf56]

Okay, here goes. I think *you're* actually the problem in this situation.

You said that when you finally settled on the Thanksgiving arrangements that:

"She shows up and we have a nice time! It's easy. You'd never know we had that conversation that morning. So she was either just sucking it up and miserable on the inside and acting on the outside (something she says she does all the time), OR she actually enjoyed herself."

I think that's awesome. She probably was just sucking it up and was miserable on the inside, but she did this for you and your husband's family, and you can't and shouldn't ask more of her.


You said: "I feel like the longer she is away from her family, the more she is overthinking what the interactions will be like. She pushed me away HARD (and in very hurtful ways) over the summer and I feel like she's doing that to the rest of her more stable family. It may be easier to exist around unstable people for her."

It sounds like you're the one who's overthinking it.

You asked: "So finally, my question & advice seeking: How do I respond to this? 1. I feel it's important for her to see them. They're traveling from far away, haven't seen her in years, have gifts for her, etc. 2. I really don't do well with last minute changes like that. I'm trying to remove myself from the worry of 'well I told people she'd be here so what does it look like to them when she doesn't show up.' It's really not a worry for me - they all know her and this would not be unexpected or surprising behavior to them."

This is all so much blah, blah, blah. It's not fair to put any of this on her and should not be her responsibility or problem.

Finally, you add: "3. I'm trying to be mindful of her position and boundaries too. I don't want to force someone, who is clearly experiencing a lot of anxiety, into hanging out with a group of people. But again, it makes me anxious not knowing her plans, or knowing her plans could change last minute at the whim of her emotions."

If you're truly mindful of her emotions you'll let all this slide, at least for now, and not put any pressure whatsoever on her to do anything at all in regard to any of this. For goodness sake, she came to Thanksgiving and was pleasant and didn't make a fuss. She should be rewarded for that by not having any more pressure and guilt. Who cares if her plans change or if it's somewhat inconvenient for you or causes you some transient anxiety if she shows up last minute or if everyone is slightly put out by her.

You said: "I would like to understand what is going on with her and at the same time, I don't want to know."

And that's for her to fill you in on if she wants to.

You said: "I stand by my belief that she needs both medication and therapy. She's doing neither and now is clearly paranoid about hanging out with family."

Maybe, or maybe she just doesn't like you. That's allowed. And it's up to her to do medication and therapy as long as she's supporting herself and behaving in a mostly pleasant manner.

You said: "I feel like she's only considering herself. And when I bring up that her actions affect how other people feel, I'm made to feel like I'm exacerbating her conditions by making her feel guilty."

That's because you are.

Again, I know that's super blunt, but somebody has to say it. If I were her, and you were doing what you're doing and saying, I'd be super agitated too. I'd back off, tell her to handle the holidays in whatever way works for her, that you understand how hard they can be, and that if she can't deal with them that maybe you all can catch up after they're over if she wants.

[M-T]

Point taken. I am an overthinker.

But I think you misunderstand a little, and how could you not without the context of our entire relationship? Much of what I'm posting here are just thoughts in my head. I'm not putting them on her. I have a thick filter and am thinking/processing all of these thoughts - founded or not - before I respond, because I'm trying to be considerate of both of our feelings, which are both valid, however "transient" they might be. I'm sure you know the anxiety of being the mother of a BPD adult child isn't transient...

Just a tip: there are ways of being blunt without being rude or hurtful to someone who is reaching out to a community of people they think can understand and help them. I'm in therapy and constantly trying to work on myself, on my relationships (with my daughter and others), and on honoring others' feelings at the same time I honor my own (which I have largely devalued over the years), while learning to set boundaries for my mental health.

These following comments of yours were unnecessary and unhelpful:  1. "If I were her, and you were doing what you're doing and saying, I'd be super agitated too." You don't know what I'm doing or saying, except for one small snippet of one conversation. 2. "This is all so much blah, blah, blah. " No, this is not all blah, blah, blah. These are my actual thoughts that I'm processing in a "safe space".

This comment was helpful and was probably all you really needed to say: "I'd back off, tell her to handle the holidays in whatever way works for her, that you understand how hard they can be, and that if she can't deal with them that maybe you all can catch up after they're over if she wants."

[Leaf56]

Point taken, and I apologize. Like I said, it's much better for me to never post on anybody else's threads. I know exactly what I'm supposed to say, I just choose not to because that kind of talk never helps me personally—at all—and actually makes me feel worse. Some people appreciate my way, some don't. It just depends on the person. My best friends believe it's my best trait, my non-friends think it's my worst. So again, apologies.