Venting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know what to write. I can't even begin to describe the volumes of toxic behavior my never-to-be ex-wife engages in. It isn't her fault. She didn't choose to undergo early childhood and teen trauma. Now, her ill-conceived efforts to prevent abandonment draw a straight line to abandonment. It is a negative feedback loop and I'm not the right person to help her as I abandoned her.

Regarding grief, I'm passed anger and onto acceptance. I have also learned at about myself in this process. Time to do some rebuilding.

Big oof.

[BigOof]

I don't know what to write. I can't even begin to describe the volumes of toxic behavior my never-to-be ex-wife engages in. It isn't her fault. She didn't choose to undergo early childhood and teen trauma. Now, her ill-conceived efforts to prevent abandonment draw a straight line to abandonment. It is a negative feedback loop and I'm not the right person to help her as I abandoned her.

Regarding grief, I'm passed anger and onto acceptance. I have also learned at about myself in this process. Time to do some rebuilding.

Big oof.

[Couscous]

The kindest and most helpful thing you can do for her is to stay out of the way and allow her to hit bottom.

[kells76]

Glad you posted, BigOof.

I'm hearing some things from you that stand out to me:

I'm not the right person to help her

That rings true. BPD, and BPD-type traits/behaviors, I believe are a function of the closeness of the relationship -- kind of like how when you hold two magnets with matching poles facing each other, "everything is fine" when they're farther away, but as you bring them closer, that's when you notice the resistance and opposition.

Regarding grief, I'm passed anger and onto acceptance. I have also learned at about myself in this process. Time to do some rebuilding.

Radically accepting "how things are" is a big step. Kudos to you, also, for being willing to turn a mirror on yourself. I'm also at a point in life of asking why I've been drawn to many friendships/relationships/interactions that have disordered dynamics. Hint hint, likely because it feels so familiar, like my growing up years.

Can I ask, do you two share any kids together?

Looking forward to hearing back from you;

kells76

[BigOof]

Hi kells76,

Yes, one young daughter. She's now being taught to solve problems by playing the victim. Further, the BPD is reliving her own childhood trauma vicariously through our daughter by positioning our daughter as a fake victim. It is beyond dysfunctional, toxic, and twisted.

Big Oof

[ForeverDad]

I married while a religious volunteer.  My spouse joined me for several years but over time some issues arose, conflict with other volunteers, rare unfocused rants & rages that were becoming more common, etc.  So we moved and started our next stage of life.  We decided to have a child, me thinking having a child would make her happier.  Duh, it didn't, she became more distant, almost as though choosing a child required rejecting me.  Or maybe she felt she could only love one of us, and so she chose her son?  Looking back, I think it was also my becoming a father triggered her memories of her very abusive stepfather.  Yes, "childhood trauma... It is beyond dysfunctional, toxic, and twisted."

I tell that because I had wanted a daughter, like her mother.  My spouse wanted a son, like me.  At her encouragement he even has my first name as his middle name.  I've come to the conclusion she wanted a boy, not because of me, but because she didn't want her child abused like she was.  As I look back, (1) she still cast me as the abusive father image she remembered and (2) it would have been even worse allegations if we had a girl and not a boy.

One of her allegations was made at a hospital visit, she claimed he was itching on his backside and she suspected sexual child abuse.  He was examined and the empirical conclusion was pin worms, she was given a prescription, not the confirmation she had hoped.  I only found out about it when I requested his medical records, a regular request I made during my divorce case.  Imagine if we had a girl...

While there is little you can do for your spouse besides encouragement to apply meaningful therapy — she is after all an adult and as such can do with her life more or less as she wishes — you can do your best to protect and health-i-fy your daughter.  Children are minors.  No reasonable person, including family courts, would obstruct or sabotage a minor enjoying the benefits of counseling.  Sure, her mother would object and resist it, but overall domestic courts like counseling.  It may become a blow-out confrontation in court but in the end probably your daughter would benefit with an experienced and perceptive counselor.

[BigOof]

That's a very balanced reply, ForeverDad. I appreciate it.

I'm in the processing of reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and it is helping my understanding. Specifically, in my first point I wrote "... I abandoned her." I now think a more accurate understanding is I left out of self-preservation, which can be taken as abandonment.

[Couscous]

More accurately, the child part of herself incorrectly perceives that she has been abandoned, and as a result is going to die. You are not “abandoning” her; you are ending your marriage, which is something that millions of people do every day.

[BigOof]

Well said, Couscous.