Who makes the next move?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,
I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I am looking for advice on my next steps in my relationship with my UBPD mom. The last conversation we had, she said that we had to talk in person so I can accept responsibility for “all the things I’ve done to her.” The conversation ended with her hanging up on me. I texted her and told her that I could come over the next day to talk. She told me that she wasn’t interested. I said that I would like to repair the harm, and she told me that was bullPLEASE READ. I haven’t communicated with her since. (That was about three weeks ago). So my question to the community is what now? Do I just wait for her to reach out or should I try again? Honestly it’s been nice not having to worry about her the past three weeks, but mom lives with my sister and my niece and nephews, so completely cutting her out of my life is complicated. I would like to have at least an amicable relationship. Thanks for any advice!

[IsThisRealLife?]

Hi all,
I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I am looking for advice on my next steps in my relationship with my UBPD mom. The last conversation we had, she said that we had to talk in person so I can accept responsibility for “all the things I’ve done to her.” The conversation ended with her hanging up on me. I texted her and told her that I could come over the next day to talk. She told me that she wasn’t interested. I said that I would like to repair the harm, and she told me that was bullPLEASE READ. I haven’t communicated with her since. (That was about three weeks ago). So my question to the community is what now? Do I just wait for her to reach out or should I try again? Honestly it’s been nice not having to worry about her the past three weeks, but mom lives with my sister and my niece and nephews, so completely cutting her out of my life is complicated. I would like to have at least an amicable relationship. Thanks for any advice!

[zachira]

We get it here what it is like to have a mother with BPD. What worked best for me when my mother with BPD was alive, was as much as possible to have people with me, whom she wanted to look good in front of and whom she would not want them to see how badly she treated those closest to her in private. I also only let her call me (I did not call her.) and I ended the conversation quickly whether a phone call or in person when the conversation became toxic. You are indeed in a difficult position like many of us are, when you want to have contact with other relatives which means you will see or hear about your mother and likely be pressured to give in to her demands. Know that you are taking care of yourself by setting healthy boundaries with your mother and doing what is best for her in the sense, that we don't do anybody any favors by enabling their bad behaviors.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think, while people with borderline personality disorder shares similarities on how they act and their fear of abandonment, their trauma is not necessarily the same and the family dynamics seem to be really specific to each families depending on sibling interactions, and the overall family history.

It's hard to tell you if you should wait or confront, in all honesty. I think only you know what you feel you have enough strength to do, and only you know your mother usual behaviors and dynamics.

I know my mother usually shuts me out to force me to engage and when I do engage, I have to take in the role of the bad daughter that hurt her, which I don't feel like being right now. I usually wait until I feel strong enough to "take a blow to the chin" and be the "bigger person", but this is me and her, us, our dynamic... The dynamic I am trying to change.

What do you need? Do you feel like you have to engage for yourself or for her? How are you feeling about the whole thing? If you are enjoying the break, then maybe this is a good opportunity to clean a bit of the dynamics and set some boundaries? If you want to see your sister and nephew, is there other options with your mother not present? If you feel like engaging, are you ready or just giving in because of guilt/shame/anxiety (those are the feelings I get overtime when my own mother shuts me out).

[Couscous]

I would say that the answer depends on your long-term goals and what it is that you value more: Empowerment and emancipation from your mother, or keeping her placated by erasing yourself in order to maintain your relationship with your sister and her kids. It sounds like you are aware on some level that it might not be possible to have both.

This is not something you will be able to figure out overnight though, and you may find that you need the help of a therapist and a therapy support group.




 

[Methuen]

I am looking for advice on my next steps in my relationship with my UBPD mom. The last conversation we had, she said that we had to talk in person so I can accept responsibility for “all the things I’ve done to her.” The conversation ended with her hanging up on me.

Is her characterization of "all the things you've done to her" fair?  Is she being reasonable?  Or does she accuse, unreasonably blame, or gaslight you?  If SHE hung up on you, my advice would be to let her stew.  Let her fume.  Let her sit with it.  And sit some more.  And some more.  Be patient.  Appreciate this respite from her.  Eventually she will need you, pretend nothing happened, and come back to you to have her needs met, whatever they are.

If you apologize to her, and call her back, and agree to her terms such as coming over to talk to her the next day on her terms, you are playing right into her hands, and giving her all the "power" in the relationship.  A healthy relationship has a balance of power.  It has give and take.  It has two people who listen and respect each other and solve problems together.  They treat each other as equals.  They talk to each other respectfully.  They can listen to each other, hear each other, empathize, and most importantly each has a desire to solve the conflict. Both will feel some degree of remorse.  Importantly, there is a respectful balance of power.  There are NO strings attached.  Love is not conditional, such as whether or not you do what she demands, follow her rules, and/or meet her needs whatever they are, or however unreasonable they are.  Would you say your relationship with your mother is healthy, or does it have yellow or red flags for being an unhealthy relationship?

I texted her and told her that I could come over the next day to talk. She told me that she wasn’t interested. I said that I would like to repair the harm, and she told me that was bullPLEASE READ. I haven’t communicated with her since. (That was about three weeks ago).

 So you have communicated that you would like to talk, and repair the harm.  You have done your part, what is reasonable, mature, and adult. She has not responded in kind.  

My recommendation based on a lifetime of experience, is to give her more time.  You don't have to look at it as cutting her out of your life.  I have been through this rodeo with my mom many times in our younger years.  (My mom is different now that she is geriatric and has early dementia.) You mention that you recognize it has been nice not having to worry about her the past 3 weeks.  I don't know anything about your relationship with your siblings, but whatever your siblings' relationship with her is (even if it is enmeshed) it will be difficult on some level.  My advice would be to let them deal with her.  Let that fire burn itself out.

I believe that in these drama's, the pwBPD can't handle stagnancy.  Eventually someone will do something to change her emotional mood, and the whole Karpman triangle will change again.  Personally, my advice would be to let her stew it out, and self-soothe.  Enjoy the peace you are having while it lasts.  Do not get sucked into her girly and teenage power plays she engages in when it comes to power in the relationship.  pwBPD have no emotional skin, and perceive "slights" even when there aren't any.  I don't know anything about your situation, but based on my own experience, my guess is whatever she thinks you did, did NOT deserve the response she had towards you.  

You can't solve all her problems.  Give her the chance to work through her own emotions.  It will pay off in the long run, and lead to healthier patterns, although she will never be healthy.  It's you, that you have to work to preserve.

Just my thoughts, based on a lifetime of experience as an only child with a needy BPD mother (living in the same town).  It just seems that since you reached out to her, and she rejected your offer, that she isn't ready.  Others may have different or modified suggestions.