Can you please share your false police report relationship stories with me?

[Firsttimefather]

I’m posting this here as it probably would be where people would be asking this?
 Okay: so my pwBPD made a false DV call to the police. Luckily it worked out ok (except the cPTSD) but I was not charged as obviously no violence or anything close to it occurred.
 I recently have started talking again to my partner. She wants to reconcile and try to work it out but there is this police issue.
 We discussed it when she was still dysregulated so at that point apologized but said she felt ‘justified’. This stance changed a bit in the last chat. She divulged that the police told her that if it happened again someone would be arrested however mentioned ‘we see no violence’ so…also as they left they had a little chat with me to the tune of ‘sorry buddy, we told her this is your house and you have every right to be here and not have your phone searched etc, hang in there’
 I did get a copy of the report and sure enough it reads ‘no violence noted. Partner upset about things she found on phone and didn’t want to discuss it’
 Okay here we are. I’m not sure which direction I’m going in just yet but the obvious is on the table. Am I safe? Will it happen again? (We live together btw)
 Can it be reconciled?
 I have looked it up and most advice is obvious: the call was abusive and move on from this person.
 But what about in Bpd relationships where this behavior can and does seem to occur?
 Does anyone out there have history with their partner that entailed a false police call but somehow you worked beyond it? If so how?
 For the record my pwBPD has offered to go to therapy and also to go to police and see what can be done so I feel protected.
 So does anyone have success stories post false calls?
Thank you and please

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WhatToDo47]

I don't have a success story, but a similar thing happened to me recently. My wife became extremely dysregulated and abandoned me 3 months ago, including calling the police and claiming I had locked her out and was abusing her. This happened when she came back to get her car. I wasn’t even home, which is what we agreed on beforehand. 3 police cars came, and nothing happened because I wasn’t even there. The leasing office at our apartments told me about this later.

She has recently began to soften up as well, and I think she may try to recycle/return soon,

Full story here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351538.new#new

Interested to see what responses you get. Other advice I've seen on here is to record her when she's dysregulated/raging, even if illegal in your state, to protect yourself with the justification that you're recording yourself and if she happens to get recorded too, then so be it.

You're not alone.

[Firsttimefather]

Thanks for your response. I learned today at my T that there are stories he has experienced with his clients where police were called but they worked it out and it never happened again.
 Do you want to try again with your wife? How are you feeling about the police being called?
 I hope to hear from more folks. Isn’t there a ‘staying’board? Maybe this would be good to post there.

[babyducks]

Isn’t there a ‘staying’board? Maybe this would be good to post there.

This is the 'staying board'.    There are three main romantic relationship boards.   You can tell by the titles they have:

• Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
• Conflicted about Continuing
• Detaching and Learning

Each board has a pinned thread WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD.   I recommend you read those.

I can't help but noticing that you are posting on both the Bettering/Staying board and the Detaching board at the same time.     please be aware that the two boards have very different cultures and approaches.      you will get extremely different messages and if you are truly conflicted about continuing those messages may add to your confusion.

also from the top of this board is the LESSONS section.    this link is from there:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

please take a look.    there is important information there.

I learned today at my T that there are stories he has experienced with his clients where police were called but they worked it out and it never happened again.

what does that information mean to you?   did your T say how it worked out?   what type of effort did these couples put in?    what type of plan did they follow?   and how likely are you and your partner to do the hard emotional work of any treatment plan?

'ducks

[kells76]

what type of plan did they follow?

That's exactly it, from babyducks.

Speaking in general terms, my thought is that any couple in your situation:

Does anyone out there have history with their partner that entailed a false police call but somehow you worked beyond it? If so how?
 For the record my pwBPD has offered to go to therapy and also to go to police and see what can be done so I feel protected.

needs to be ready to not "wing it" any more.

There needs to be a professional, neutral 3rd party involved, refereeing and guiding a really, really structured process.

I'd think there'd need to be a written contract, lots of "if Wife feels X, then we do Y" type statements/agreements, lots of explicit/specific behavior requirements.

It all might sound "juvenile" or "for kids" or "we're adults, we don't need that kind of structure"...

yet that's what I'm thinking is necessary to bring a relationship back from that kind of escalation.

So, if I were in your shoes, wondering if there could be success post-911 call, I'd be thinking about whether my partner would be ready to commit to having a 3rd party be deeply involved in a strongly structured way in our relationship, helping us to rebuild healthy boundaries and develop meaningful, specific plans and actions to help us help ourselves not escalate inappropriately.

As you picture this one possible scenario for coming back from that escalation, what are your thoughts about whether she'd engage in that kind of "intervention"?

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks for your response. I learned today at my T that there are stories he has experienced with his clients where police were called but they worked it out and it never happened again.
 Do you want to try again with your wife? How are you feeling about the police being called?
 I hope to hear from more folks. Isn’t there a ‘staying’board? Maybe this would be good to post there.

Hi,

I do want to try again with my wife, but I don't know what will happen. There are a lot of moving parts right now.

Honestly, the police being called doesn't worry me too much, as she has called the police, sued, etc many times before and frankly she is never successful. She is not very competent at these things and gets overwhelmed and backs down quickly once authorities are actually involved. That being said, I would like to avoid this situation, for both of our sake.

In the past, she had an excellent therapist. When she got escalated like this, and the therapist would talk her down. Then she didn't blame me, and she trusted him. He told her many times that if she didn't calm down HE would call the police and have her committed for her own safety. It also helped to have him on the phone as a neutral third party so that there was a credible witness that I was not behaving in an aggressive or abusive way.

This worked until she split him black, discarded him, saying he obviously wanted nothing to do with her anymore because of me, and abandoned the both of us.

She has lately started softening up and made hints at a comeback/recycle, so we will see.

However, my own therapist (who I began seeing for PTSD from her abuse), all my friends and family, and legal and psychiatric professionals, including her previous therapist mentioned above, have all told me that she is now extremely dangerous as she's split me and called the police and that if I am ever alone with her again I am at substantial legal risk.

Hope something in there is helpful and hang in there   

[Firsttimefather]

Keps,
Thank you and I 100% agree. I think she would be open to that and I know and do trust in my heart and gut that she sincerely is sorry, is being accountable and offering to work on it. She told me that my absence has been so difficult. Not because she doesn’t have her ‘caretaker’, she legitimately respects and loves me as a person and my qualities.
 When I communicated with her regarding Bpd traits, etc., and my PTSD (I make sure to not ever make it feel like it’s all ‘her’ fault, but also in actuality I realize now that both of us took the relationship there that night of the police call. My part however was much more rational and not impulsive as the police call)
  Our discussion of this was appreciated, and she reflected back into me that we need this out in the open and accept that because of this it requires more maintenance than a ‘normal ?’ relationship.
   

however I was considering my brother and his ex BpD wife( yup two brothers and we all have been here/ it’s obvious to me now my father was an undiagnosed Narc) : my brother struggles with alcoholism and eventually slipped into some drug use while in that relationship. My brother is not like me. I (obviously) invest the time in my dilemmas.) I realize that the level of dysfunction they reached was also just as much his doing as hers though she is given all the blame. My T pointed this out in my case and I see it now and recognize that I must tend to me much more diligently. I must daily work on reaffirming my self focus, self preservation, just plain old ‘work on myself’ and keep my eyes open and not fall into codependency.
   I do believe she would be into it and committed to seeking a third party and we already begun work on seeking that. It is also a boundary, or rule if you will: if we don’t then we must part.

[Firsttimefather]

What To Do ,
 Thank you. ( I don’t really know how to do the ‘excerpt’ thing)
———Honestly, the police being called doesn't worry me too much, as she has called the police, sued, etc many times before and frankly she is never successful. She is not very competent at these things and gets overwhelmed and backs down quickly once authorities are actually involved. That being said, I would like to avoid this situation, for both of our sake.—-
    I understand this. I truly believe my partner was just being and acting impulsively and had I been wiser I think I could have prevented it. I should have just ‘walked away’ and recognized it was just a ‘tantrum’ that there really were not ‘bugs on the wall’ even if she claimed she was seeing them. When the police arrived her responses show her being ‘frightened’ ‘backing down’ etc. I also believe her threats made the second day were her trying to deal with if or if she did not do the right thing in calling the police.( validation) but I can only judge her actions I don’t truly know what she was thinking. I’m the end she knows it was wrong and that it could’ve made a bigger mess than it did. We have further to go with this topic in T (if we go) but it’s off to a good start I believe.
     Everyone on my side has also said those things about risk etc. (Those bridges will require repair if we do pursue a relationship). Your T threatening police on her is an interesting tactic. When I explained to my partner that her call could have landed her in trouble that really struck a nerve in her. The possibility it could cost her her job if I had a restraining order on her or if they arrested her for false claim.
 It is important to know in my story I did speak with the police right after it happened. I do have the right to be in my home, I am on the lease and if she starts to show dysregulation that I can call 911 first and report what is happening and why I am being proactive by referencing her call (that just happened weeks ago) . I also have a copy of the report on my phone.
    I do hope, if you want to, you can pull it together with your partner. Perhaps you and I could discuss more about various coping mechanisms, maintenance attempts, successes and failures you have noted in your relationship? When fix problems start to show? 6 months in? Year? What decisions keep you returning? I’m a little over a year into my relationship, and now at a crossroads. I’m sure you have stood here before.

For the record: I am not sure where it goes or what happens next. I am entering into it step by step, day by day. There is much to consider : future?children? The maintenance we would require? As it stands there is a commitment to not look outside of us ‘two’. Not dating other people etc , however making a proper effort towards repairing our friendship. There is true reciprocal love and respect between us. This first step is also to allow me to be in my home, in my bed etc. She adamantly does not want me not to be home, to be able to come home and feel safe there. I slept at home last night. Boundaries were kept, etc. It felt fine, I wasn’t scared. I am going to stay at my home. I have set up some ‘safety measures’ just in case, but I really don’t see it going there again though will accept that it could.

   I have to find out more from my T how couples he has worked with have overcome and dealt with police matters. What I do know is he referred to it as ‘yeah, some can accept and recognize when they acted inappropriately and made an impulsive bad decision that could have forever hurt the one they love, but it does need a ‘third party’/therapy’

  I’m going to follow my instincts, keep my eyes wide open. No drinking, (not that I do much anyway) and continue to work on me. Make me my number one priority. I just was gifted everything I need to start oil painting, this has been a pursuit for awhile. I will balance my decisions considering: Safe? Productive? Secure? Artful? There is a lot to consider and so much further to go but I’m ready to take another step forward. One that starts with me.

[WhatToDo47]

“I truly believe my partner was just being and acting impulsively and had I been wiser I think I could have prevented it. I should have just ‘walked away’ and recognized it was just a ‘tantrum’ that there really were not ‘bugs on the wall’ even if she claimed she was seeing them. When the police arrived her responses show her being ‘frightened’ ‘backing down’ etc. I also believe her threats made the second day were her trying to deal with if or if she did not do the right thing in calling the police.( validation) but I can only judge her actions I don’t truly know what she was thinking.I’m the end she knows it was wrong and that it could’ve made a bigger mess than it did.”
This is very well said. I also feel that I could have prevented much of what happened had I recognized what was going on. In the past, her meltdowns involved self-harm, never leaving or threats to me, so this was new experience for me.
I do think that when authority gets involved, or when they run up against barriers (my wife demanded to be removed from the lease but when the office said that would need my permission and I said I’m not comfortable with it, she dropped it), they tend to snap back to reality.
I’m really glad you spoke with the police and have a record on file. I think that was the right thing to do for sure and will be necessary if there are problems in the future.
I hope me and my wife can pull together, too. You can see my other threads on here for updates on that. Let me know if you want a link.

I would be happy to discuss more about coping mechanisms, maintenance attempts, successes and failures. I could write books and books about everything we have been through, so I will just give some general info now and let me know if you want more details about something in particular. I hope I can save you some anguish.

Problems started to show almost immediately, but I didn’t know what they were at the time. We both always thought she just had PTSD, anxiety, and depression. In hindsight, there were major splitting/almost discard incidents about every 3-6 months. There were also multiple suicide threats, and a few attempts, one requiring hospitalization. What kept me returning was that she had some level of self awareness and desire to change, also we are married. We have been married 5 years and together 6. We were planning on having kids next year and were saving up for a house.
She has intense dissociative episodes when she is really triggered. I suspect she may have DID as well. She doesn’t remember what she does when she is like this, and has her suicide attempts, animal abuse, etc have occurred when in this state. Afterwards, she would always be extremely remorseful, scared, crying, saying she needed help, thankful for me, etc.
Part of what has kept was her willingness to seek help. She went to a doctor, got Prozac (which made things worse), and was doing at least once weekly therapy. During this time there was a lot of improvement, and a honeymoon period of stability.

Despite the best efforts of me, her therapist, and her doctor, this all came crashing down one day and she discarded all of us, saying that everyone was the problem but here.
A major factor in my case is that her mom is for sure BPD/NPD, and her mom was constantly trying to ruin our marriage because I took her daughter away from her. BPD/NPD mom sees her daughter as property and a servant, and couldn’t stand the fact that she wanted a life of her own. Perhaps things would be better now if my wife’s mom wasn’t constantly feeding my wife’s fear of abandonment (he is going to divorce you when he sees how crazy/fat/lazy, etc you are). I would never ever have left her. Ever. Even now. Such a tragic, awful disease.
I am glad you are asking the therapist for info on success stories and how to get there. Keep working on yourself for sure.
Had I known that BPD existed and learned the communication skills on this site, it’s possible that I could have prevented the discard or other crises. I don’t know.
I hope she comes around and comes back, so that we can work on things with my new tools and awareness.
I feel like my response was kind of jumbled, but I really hope that it helped and if there are specific questions you want answers to, please let me know.
I was always kind, patient, loving with her, and until the discard I thought we had a strong marriage and wonderful, happy life. The BPD will not go away on its own or with standard therapy and treatment. Seek out all the info you can, especially about what you can do as the non-BPD partner. I deeply regret that I didn’t know the communication tools I do now when she was here.
Hang in there. This website is the best resource I’ve found. I think there’s hope for you and, I pray, for me.

[WhatToDo47]

Also, you have to really understand and accept that no matter what you do it may not be enough and she will almost certainly have these cycles for the rest of her life and your relationship. Make sure you are okay with that. After each crisis, I really thought we had made progress and grown closer, things would go well for a while, and then she would self sabotage her life for some internal reason that I don't know. Make sure you're not staying to "fix her." You can't. Only years of therapy can. Work on yourself and your communication skills with her. That's what I'm doing now so that if/when the relationship gets another chance, I am ready.

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you for that advice and honestly, that’s exactly how I am approaching it so glad you sad that. I got the first time said to her when she told me about her ‘feelings’ :depression etc, I said: I am so glad you told me that. I am sorry you are feeling that way. I’m not a doctor or therapist so I can’t fix it but I can listen and sometimes sharing it can make it feel better. (Or something to that effect) if we choose to do this I feel like I can do much better this time around. Anyway I found this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.msg690509#msg690509

[WhatToDo47]

I think that's a great and noble way to approach it. I feel the same way. I know I can't fix her, but I don't want to. I want to be there for her and make it through as a team. I am very excited to read that other thread!

Let me know if I can help in some other way/answer any questions. 100% work on the tools here and elsewhere and make sure to get BPD specific treatment/therapy, etc.

Hoping we both have a successful round 2.

Always here if you need me!

[once removed]

youve gotten good advice.

Partner upset about things she found on phone and didn’t want to discuss it’

im curious about this part.

what did she find? what was her beef?

[Firsttimefather]

The things that were found: a few random receipts on PayPal
And Venmo: these receipts were a. Some scam that was worked out and I showed her the refund  2.payment to an employee
-A couple of photos that were sent to me by an old co worker who kinda lost his marbles and sent these photos of trans people, one was rather obscene. I kept them in case we ever needed to prove harassment but the guy just disappeared. There was a screenshot of an Uber fare. This was because I was planning a trip to see a concert and was considering not driving. From that same night I screwed up while looking up fares and booked an Uber, but charges were reversed.
  The theory was: I must have been soliciting prostitutes and sleeping around. Not saying this was a rational conclusion.
  When I spoke to the psychoT he said that none of it matters, it could have been anything. Also we could have discussed these issues rather than jump to conclusions but it obviously triggered emotions which she wasn’t going to be able to handle. When we discussed these issues after she calmed down and saw the counter-evidence, all is good. Also despite whatever theory, none of this proves anyone slept with anyone.
  What I learned from this is you can’t get sucked into it, the delusion. Just walk away and be confident but not emotional.

[grumpydonut]

Honestly, the police being called doesn't worry me too much, as she has called the police, sued, etc many times before and frankly she is never successful.

Am I safe? Will it happen again?

I learned today at my T that there are stories he has experienced with his clients where police were called but they worked it out and it never happened again

She's done it more than once before. Past actions are usually a good guide to future actions. The information you have from your therapist re. BPD police calls is made redundant by your own experience.

I'm aware I'm playing devil's advocate on your posts, FTF, but I really think you need to take time to process information - away from her. Atm, your posts indicate to me someone who is only seeking to confirm what he wants to believe, rather than thinking rationally through the information you have.

I understand it's hard.

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you grumpy, I’m thinking about what you just said. I tell myself constantly, or try to not ‘tell myself what I want to believe..” but yes it can be tricky.
 That one excerpt you attached was not from my story though, just fyi (cops called, sued, etc). However your points are still very valid imo . Thanks again

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you both, that helps a lot! I think I need to take some time to really analyze what I can learn from past behaviors and set some boundaries/limits to what future behaviors I would tolerate and what I would do in various worst case scenarios.

[Firsttimefather]

First off Merry Christmas Eve everyone.  I really want to thank everyone for being involved on this thread. I donated some $ to the site as well. Not saying this to brag I just wanted to say how I wish I could give more as you have all been life savers.
  I really appreciate everybody’s feedback. I know I’m asking a lot of questions and yes it is true I am ‘on the fence’ so to speak but
Again I’m not jumping into anything. I really am seeking a balanced perspective as there is a lot to swallow. Does every Bpd relationship walk that same path? I have seen stories now, heard stories where sure police were called once but not again. That the experience of it and realization of all that it can lead to brought a couple into therapy, etc as they realized ‘hey we want this to succeed not fail”. Of course if not Bpd and it’s tumultuous relationship patterns perhaps those horrible events would not have existed, but what if those events were the very thing necessary to open up and accept the reality that if we pursue our Bpd relationship it really requires serious work.
  I must be honest. The police call is kind of a blessing in disguise and also the fact that it went as it did provided me with some support and proof to discuss the issues with my supports and mend some ‘smears’ if you will. The police call definitely brought up a very big boundary that was crossed. If it hadn’t happened and we just sailed through a little false accusation-smear campaign, I would be at the mercy of the rumours. Neighbors, landlord, friends: with this report I am vindicated and validated should I never return to the relationship.
 I wish it never happened. I wish I had established better boundaries. If I had kept better tabs on my phone, etc. Often crosses my mind though my psychoT says: didn’t matter. That it would have been something else as she was headed through that ‘cycle’ and needed a scapegoat of sorts or reflecting pull for her emotional tug of war.  Regardless it did happen and put both of us at a crossroads in our relationship, so we move forward? She would like to, she wants us to move past and agreed to do the work necessary as now that she had some time away from me, in our house, really sees that she does love me and likes our life together. However, it wasn’t I who called the police. Would she feel differently if it were?
  I didn’t shop for Christmas until today. I bought her a gift and a card. Felt wrong not to. I still love her very much. I had much bigger plans in mind for Christmas a month ago but they were derailed. Is this foreshadowing of holidays to come? I made our second ‘traditional’ Christmas meal today though she works tonite and will be taking it for lunch. It is her family’s tradition of Swedish meatballs. In my absence her diet went south. She tried baking cookies but they didn’t turn out. She tried making pasta to no avail. She actually went into ‘fawn’ mode. My absence left her in what she called a’psychosis’ . She couldn’t reconcile the mess she made and could not stand that I was now chased away. She expected me to be home a few days, not four weeks with minimal contact. She lost control of the situation. 
  When she said she missed me, I asked what did she miss? She did not hesitate, not even for a breath and responded ‘everything but mostly missed you’. It does not feel like manipulation to me, it feels very sincere. I want to add that she told me once that her diagnosis was ‘borderline tendencies’ can anyone comment on that? What does that mean as opposed to Bpd ? I also really do feel her med change was part of the problem. I am looking at our relationship with eyes wide open,
  I was so good to her family when they visited. We all had so much fun together but I couldn’t help but notice I
Was left out of the family Christmas card narrative regarding their visit to our home. This hurt very much. I don’t know if they know how bad her disorder can be. I don’t know what they know of it. Can these relationships/false opinions ever be mended?
  I didn’t shop for Christmas until today and to be honest, it felt wierd and hard. I remember when i looked upon our relationship with hope and sense of promise for brighter tomorrows. I was really looking forward to taking things up a notch this holiday. This last year, when giving gifts, I approached it as I felt one should the first year in. Ok 1000$ ring, no not yet. Christmas was planned to be a potential kinda pre-engagement type notion. The events that took place definitely changed that. I settled on a not too expensive ring. Says I love you and a card. Also a set of watercolors as she had wanted one. That’s it though. I planned on so much more. No tree, no lights and everything happened today as for any holiday gifts, meal plans, etc. I baked cookies.
  I am seeing more so the future and challenges it may hold. It’s like those choose your own adventure books, outcome a or b?Red pill/blue pill?
  Would we just become more isolated and reclusive as we assume more boundaries? Or can we actually get somewhere in therapy? Should we just take more time and consideration trying a fresh start sometime in the future?
  As it stands I am wondering if I will get the room I interviewed for a few weeks back. Maybe my way out? If they choose me to move in is it fate screaming at me, or if I don’t get chosen, is that fate saying it’s not time to leave?
 Man I’m glad I’m a musician. Somewhere to put it all.
 I look at strangers in passing: is she one? Is she one? I dated an undiagnosed Bpd years back and saw her today. Not sure if she recognized me, I barely did her. She looked awful to me, no sense of self and certain look in her eye. Masks help raise doubts on identity, that relationship was different then this one. She went postal when we split, when she split. My current partner’s split paled in comparison. I had relationships in between that were not Bpd though not perfect.
 I have received much feedback from people to not quit on her, on us. My therapists think there is a possibility. Hey I’m no spring chicken so taking on this high maintenance relationship does not scare me. I guess I’ll know more when I get to therapy, or if and when we get to therapy.
 I’m closing I really want you all to know I am listening. I
Am on the fence yes but legitimately dead center on the fence. Based on feedback it may look like I’m already pointed in one direction, but am not. I’m writing in as much as I am hoping that others may find it useful. What haven’t I found that I feel is important to consider? Who else has had that feeling and is looking for a tidbit they can’t find? I came here immediately after the split and glad I did as to document the process and maybe demonstrate how difficult such choices can be. Maybe that’s the ‘helper’ part of me. Coping through caretaking. Regardless all feedback has been helpful and though I know we all are here from experience, undoubtedly the info out there seems pointed towards it ‘never working out’. It is hard to believe that that is always going to be the case in Bpd relationships. Maybe if it hadn’t elevated to a police call perhaps? That may make it different? However again I am seeing that sometimes, Bpd or not, some people just make irrational impulsive mistakes. One last thing. I’m the other stories what Bpd’s tended to tell the police upon arrival were stories of ‘he is a monster trying to
Harm me in some manner: take the car so the kid is stuck or he is trying to steal. Mine didn’t do that. She called and said DV on the phone but when they arrived she came clean. She was honest. It’s the cops I really don’t and didn’t trust but it worked out this time. When I’m the spotlight she tried to protect me and fix it telling them ‘he wasn’t being violent I just needed space etc’ and this matched what I told and also made better sense to them upon hearing that she is BpD.is the devil in the details? Can there be a success here still?
 One day at a time, one step at a time.
  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
 

[WhatToDo47]

I echo everything you said. I'm sitting on the same fence. It's a fence I'm familiar with from prior crises we have made it through. I always, always, always fought for her and us and the relationships. We made it through some really dark times. Right now, she is gone. Is she coming back? Not even she knows. I pray she does, my mind says that this is just going to get worse and next time will be worse. My wife always had the same self awareness, until this time. Maybe she just hasn't come around yet.

I know how hard it can be to love someone who is a captive to their own cycles of chaos. Everyone tells you to leave and give up. The ironic tragedy is that's exactly what they fear and their core and why they act the way they do, but you know you never will.

I don't know what you should do, or what I should do, but you're not alone. Keep learning about BPD and about her. And if you do stay in it, appreciate every single good and sweet moment. Sometimes, I feel like I took her for granted. She can be the most amazing, charming, sweet, fun person ever. Or the most demonic, cruel, sociopathic. Appreciate the good times, and remember them. But don't forget that the chaotic and cruel times will also repeat.

Take care of yourself, too. And consider therapy for yourself. This website and my own therapy for the trauma the relationship has inflicted on me have kept me strong and growing so that if I get another chance at this I will know I did everything I possibly could have.

I do know holidays seem to be a trigger for BPD flareups, as my wife's latest was just after our 5 year anniversary and on a holiday. Seems like there are a lot of stories like that here. Take that for what it's worth.

Also, I can relate to you in that I have dated many people before that I now recognize as having BPD or at least strong traits of BPD. One of them was 100x worse than my wife, and the discard/splitting was cruel to match. I always compared me my wife to her and thought "Well, I could handle the previous one, who was crazier. I can handle my wife." I was dead wrong.

From day 1 I knew my wife had mental health challenges (she was sent out of the country to live with family and "cool off" from a suicide attempt shortly before I met her, and we began talking when she was still out of the country because of this. She always said "I know I can be a lot to handle and crazy, but I will always be here for you, and we can make through anything together, and I may hurt myself but I will never hurt you." Turned out she did, and abandoned me. Will we divorce like she threatens? Who knows. I don't think she was lying or that she's a bad person. I think that her actions follow her emotions, which is painful to her but also affects those around her and she doesn't understand that, which is a brutal cycle that feeds on itself.

I honestly think she 100% meant what she said then and what she says now, but tomorrow or 10 second from now could be different.

Whatever you do, take the time to really consider your decision and the future you want. Whatever you do, it likely won't affect her BPD/cycles much, only her therapy can. Protect yourself.

Hope this helps somehow!

[Firsttimefather]

It helps a ton. I just had a great talk with my mother whom of course was very anti anything my my partner until we just spoke and I told her what she and I have been discussing and plans for T etc. Even my very skeptical mother is now thinking maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to turn my back on ‘us’ . My mother does feel though we need the ‘help’, therapy etc. I actually go to 2 T and my friend is a psychoT but I thank you for saying that. My partner isn’t super bad off but on her dysregulation it is scary. We are communicating really well and every day she apologizes for her actions, she expresses guilt, she not only apologizes for her actions but for how it must have made me feel. Now maybe she is mirroring me but I was thinking, maybe that’s why she wants to try again. She realizes she likes the ‘reflection’ when I’m in her life. I’m a healthful, talented, intelligent, own my own business but I’m humble. I’m not ‘money’ driven. I don’t feel I’m a good mark for a gold digger say. She again said ‘we are going to T we are going to work on this because she thinks we are worth saving. She keeps talking about how horrible it felt that I was gone and all the little things like ‘I would lay in bed hoping to hear your feet coming up the steps’. If this is all a ruse and only a tool of manipulation then honestly I’ll take it. I truly feel actual sincerity, not a ‘put on’ however, time will be the true teller and also follow through on commitments.
 For your sake: I hope your wife turns around and you know already, just gotta give it time and work on yourself. I’m sorry it’s as it is for you on the holiday nonetheless. It is true there is little support it seems for folks like you and I at times but I know it is out there too. I hope if it does work out for either of us, and I know ‘works out’ is not ‘wow it magically is fixed and no more problems ahead’, but I’m going to try and be an active voice for positive stories and support. I have been reading more and more success stories as I look for them.
 It seems like if trust can be achieved it can improve the disorder. Like you said: we get tested on our abandonment. (Paraphrase) they push but want to make sure we are there. Some test harder than others it seems depending on their level of childhood trauma I’m assuming. My partner really pushed me away this time but it’s not my physical return I think she is looking for to build trust in, it’s that I have a strong core love for her that cannot be shaken. In her dysregulation I never ever say anything negative about her to her. I hold her accountable if she gets too mean r cold or (sociopathic ?,) you know that split ‘alter ego’ but I always end with I love you. Thats what she is learning to trust in in my opinion.
 As my mother and I agreed: step by step, day by day. Don’t be a full time caretaker, establish boundaries….etc.
  Yes the holidays can definitely bring things up. I used to be a social worker and I remember that when I had mental health outpatient clients. I know if I choose to pursue this that her disorder and cycles will continue. At about a year in with minimal damage and knowing what I know now, maybe as my T says we can learn new ways for her to handle her cycles when they come on. Maybe we can be somewhat proactive for challenges that may lay ahead. I don’t know. I just know I can’t fix her, I’m not a doctor, not a T. I also don’t want to fix her. I don’t think she is broken I think she just needs better self regulation but that’s her journey. I still have much to learn and consider but a lot more is starting to make sense.
  Yes, it appears you and I are not alone. I wish all the best to you and your family tonite and nights to come. So glad you chimed in on this topic.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you, my friend. Everything you say there helps greatly. I hope it works out for both of us, one way or another. I think you have a very loving but healthy and realistic perspective on things. It sounds like your BPD partner is much higher functioning and has much more self awareness than mine. Those are both excellent things. Keep me posted if you can/want to and know that you and this whole site are so helpful and such a blessing!

[Firsttimefather]

Hi,
 I stumbled upon this article last night and found it very interesting and incited I’m. I probably should make it it’s own thread but wanted to share with you. Perhaps we should make it a new thread though as I think it may be a helpful tool.Thoughts?

https://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/charming-or-relationship-recycling/

Hope you are doing well today. You are in my thoughts. Much love to you. Stay strong, stay gold!

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,
 I stumbled upon this article last night and found it very interesting and incited I’m. I probably should make it it’s own thread but wanted to share with you. Perhaps we should make it a new thread though as I think it may be a helpful tool.Thoughts?

https://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/charming-or-relationship-recycling/

Hope you are doing well today. You are in my thoughts. Much love to you. Stay strong, stay gold!

Hi,

The link seems to be broken, is this the article you found?

https://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/charming-or-relationship-recycling/

If not please try to repost because I am interested in it for sure. You are in my thoughts, too. I am okay, in the eye of the storm, preparing myself for whatever is next. Hope you are doing well too and much love back to you and everyone here!

[Firsttimefather]

Sorry bout that. I also posted a thread in ‘conflicted about continuing’ as I thought it kinda fit that board. Anyway here it is:


 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0;all

This one also has a great thread of comments and replies to follow.
 Keep walking through it (the eye of the storm). We walk through the fire because sitting in it is not an option.

[WhatToDo47]

 Keep walking through it (the eye of the storm). We walk through the fire because sitting in it is not an option.

Amen well said. I’ll check out the article and the other thread. Have a great day my friend!