First Break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey
so I'm 18 and just had my first break-up and I'm now realizing my ex has BPD.

We started dating in August. and broke up in October, and promised to be friends. We spent a week apart, and got back together after she said she realized that she was being tortured by losing me. It was amazing for about a week and as soon as she said she's never felt more loved, things changed. She started being cold and distant and the day before she freindzoned me over text, she left my message unopened for 10 hours.

It feels like torture because I literally feel like someone died. Yes there were definitely moments where her obsession and her liking me was just idealization, but there were others where she really went into her heart and we could both feel how real the love was. She tried to break up with me once before, but said as soon as she saw my face she realized she still loved me too much to end it even though she was scared and didn't know what was going on. It's horrible because I can see the sweet and beautiful girl I actually loved, and she just turned into someone I don't even recognize. The things i hear her saying and doing now are nothing she would have ever considered doing before. It's horrible because we promised each other that we would be in each others lives even if we weren't in a relationship, but at the rate its going it feels like thats never going to happen. We've been out of contact since November 15th. I tried to send her a message a few days later and she didn't respond. She's telling everyone that she just was playing a part in the relationship and that I was the overly emotional and clingy one, when the opposite was the case. She's talking to a bunch of college guys with a ton of money now, and shes saying that boys and relationships are just "something to do".
the worst part about this is that I know that's not how she feels at all and she's putting up this mask to not feel her own pain. I can't seem to do anything because I'm not in contact with her yet still care about her despite all the horrible things shes now done to me. these last two months have been the worst of my life and it feels like the torture wont ever end, even though Ive made up my mind I will never be in a romantic relationship ever again even if I have the chance.

[Falcsky]

Hey
so I'm 18 and just had my first break-up and I'm now realizing my ex has BPD.

We started dating in August. and broke up in October, and promised to be friends. We spent a week apart, and got back together after she said she realized that she was being tortured by losing me. It was amazing for about a week and as soon as she said she's never felt more loved, things changed. She started being cold and distant and the day before she freindzoned me over text, she left my message unopened for 10 hours.

It feels like torture because I literally feel like someone died. Yes there were definitely moments where her obsession and her liking me was just idealization, but there were others where she really went into her heart and we could both feel how real the love was. She tried to break up with me once before, but said as soon as she saw my face she realized she still loved me too much to end it even though she was scared and didn't know what was going on. It's horrible because I can see the sweet and beautiful girl I actually loved, and she just turned into someone I don't even recognize. The things i hear her saying and doing now are nothing she would have ever considered doing before. It's horrible because we promised each other that we would be in each others lives even if we weren't in a relationship, but at the rate its going it feels like thats never going to happen. We've been out of contact since November 15th. I tried to send her a message a few days later and she didn't respond. She's telling everyone that she just was playing a part in the relationship and that I was the overly emotional and clingy one, when the opposite was the case. She's talking to a bunch of college guys with a ton of money now, and shes saying that boys and relationships are just "something to do".
the worst part about this is that I know that's not how she feels at all and she's putting up this mask to not feel her own pain. I can't seem to do anything because I'm not in contact with her yet still care about her despite all the horrible things shes now done to me. these last two months have been the worst of my life and it feels like the torture wont ever end, even though Ive made up my mind I will never be in a romantic relationship ever again even if I have the chance.

[SinisterComplex]

Falc, I'll be honest here...I am just responding to let you know we are here and we care. You matter. Unfortunately right now I feel like absolute crap because of the super cold in my neck of the woods so I am kinda under the weather. I'll provide a more insightful and thoughtful response later.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Falcsky]

thank you. and I should make clear that I am saying I will never be in a romantic relationship with HER ever again not period.

[grumpydonut]

Sorry to read, mate.

Feel what you're feeling. Allow yourself to sit with it. Usually a really good approach.

I know it's super cliche, and this is definitely not an attempt to minimise what you've been through. That said, you are extremely fortunate to be away from this relationship at 18.

You have the benefit that many of us here don't have - PLENTY of time to fine a stable relationship. The worse thing that could have happened to you would have been for you to waste time and energy on this relationship in your early 20s!

It won't feel like it for a while, but you are in such a nice position and extremely fortunate. Unfortunately the next fews months will likely be quite painful.

[SinisterComplex]

thank you. and I should make clear that I am saying I will never be in a romantic relationship with HER ever again not period.

Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you Falc, and I'm still not 100%...being sick sucks (not covid)

This is good. Obviously the first part of my response was going to pertain to that. LOL

Sometimes the greatest love and kindness you can show someone is to let them go their own way and realize you may not be in their path. Care and love, but do so at a distance.

Most importantly is that you need to realize it is not your job, responsibility, or anything of the sort to help her, save her, etc. No, she has to do that on her own. Additionally, you need to focus on yourself and learn to let people do what they are going to do. You can only focus on what is in your control. The things that are out of your control let the universe handle that.

In essence, I am telling you to be above the nonsense. Choose yourself and let the chips fall where they may. I am not saying to go ice cold or cut her out or anything like that. No, just choose yourself and build stronger boundaries. Do not let anyone dictate your happiness but yourself! This is going to be an important key piece I want you to focus on here...

Outcome Independence. What is that you may ask? Well its learning to let go of the false perceived notion of control in any given situation and not being affected by the outcome one way or the other. In simpler terms...it means you will be happy and fine one way or the other. The independent variable and constant is you...build your confidence and frame. Put yourself in positions to succeed, but don't pin your hopes and dreams on outcomes. All you can do is be in control of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Falcsky]

Thank you guys. I'm doing my best to take all the advice everyone's taught me but it's hard. Just that it ended so fast and in such confusion has made me lose my mind. I know it will get better one day but yeah the pain is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I know im learning about this now and at a young age but it's so much to take in. on one hand im learning the reality that there are actually people like this out there, but on the other im just a boy who wants his girl back. In a way it feels like a reality I had before has been broken, and now it feels like my life isn't mine. Time just seems to move so fast it feels impossible to live in the present, especially because I'm in my head so much.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you guys. I'm doing my best to take all the advice everyone's taught me but it's hard. Just that it ended so fast and in such confusion has made me lose my mind. I know it will get better one day but yeah the pain is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I know im learning about this now and at a young age but it's so much to take in. on one hand im learning the reality that there are actually people like this out there, but on the other im just a boy who wants his girl back. In a way it feels like a reality I had before has been broken, and now it feels like my life isn't mine. Time just seems to move so fast it feels impossible to live in the present, especially because I'm in my head so much.

FS...I abbreviate and nickname everyone it seems. Ha.

Anyway, you are going to be ok for sure. Here is what I want from you for the time being. Keep coming here and post. Not necessarily to learn about BPD or anything like that. No, I want you to come here to vent, learn, and take in mental coping strategies to help build a stronger better version of you. Every time you are knocked down and kicked in the nuts is just another learning experience and the universe's way of humbling us to keep us grounded. Never be content. Always strive to improve and do better each and every day because you get one life and there are no do-overs.

So take the perspective of this being an opportunity to step back learn some things about yourself and learn how to improve. Always remember...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Now in saying all of that I think you have learned the BS  you do not want to put up with. Well, don't allow the same situations that led you down this path and made come here happen again.

Your youth is a gift...use it to your advantage and make the most of it.

Keep coming back as much as you need to and personally I want to see updates good or bad. If you so desire PM me...that is fine. I have an open door policy on that.

We are fam here and we have your back.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Falcsky]

Alright will do. I'll make sure to check in here and post an update at least once a week. And yeah I'll personal message you if it ends up being more thank you

[Falcsky]

feeling pretty hopeless again. as every day goes by with no contact the pain of missing her only seems to get worse and worse. I've been thinking thoughts that I never have in my life, and every single day I seem to feel more and more alone. I wish there was a way to end this pain but there isn't. just the terror of the day she all of a sudden became cold and didn't talk to me the same way anymore just is stuck in my mind and I can't seem to get out of it.

[SinisterComplex]

feeling pretty hopeless again. as every day goes by with no contact the pain of missing her only seems to get worse and worse. I've been thinking thoughts that I never have in my life, and every single day I seem to feel more and more alone. I wish there was a way to end this pain but there isn't. just the terror of the day she all of a sudden became cold and didn't talk to me the same way anymore just is stuck in my mind and I can't seem to get out of it.

Ok FS take it easy on yourself and be kind to you. This is a natural process and this should not come as a shock to you. You still have to feel your feelings and go through the process. There is no fast forward button.

In the meantime what I suggest you do is find a true passion. You have to learn the art of replacing destructive and negative behaviors with positive and productive behaviors. So ruminating about her is destructive and negative. Well make it a point to find something that you can immerse yourself into. You have to have a goal and a purpose. Use this negative experience as a springboard to make yourself stronger and better. Ask yourself why did this happen for you? Not why did this happen to you. Identify what you need to work on within yourself.

Also, I suggest reading up on Edwin Locke and Goal Setting theory. Perhaps that will help point you in the right direction.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-