Mother blaming daughter for own cognitive distortions

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Did your mother ever blame you for her cognitive distortions?

Can you give any examples? What was the impact on you? Did others notice?

[BigOof]

Did your mother ever blame you for her cognitive distortions?

Can you give any examples? What was the impact on you? Did others notice?

[Turkish]

Not really a specific distortion, but when I was a junior in high school, my mom told me, "everyone thinks that you're so great, but I know the real Turkish!" So she thought I was an a hole, she had previously told me that.

I knew that people had complimented me on what a great kid I was previously, because she had told me, and took pride, as if that was to her credit (maybe somewhat I'll admit). I knew then who took pride in me and helped me: a few teachers and my BFF's mother. They saw my mom's sabotage to various degrees.

To this day, at 50, I have trouble accepting compliments, because of my mom Splitting me. Was I great, or an a hole? Fast forward decades...

I was still with my uBPDx, and she walked into the office and apropos of nothing told me that I should go back to school to finish my degree. I was doing our budget and tabbed over to my net worth and showed her, "I think I'm doing OK." Her jaw dropped. And she backed out of the room. That was in 2012.

At 40-something years old, I felt that I still had to justify myself to her, but her feelings were about her.

[Notwendy]

Oh gosh, how much time do you have?

One memory is when my mother somehow blamed me for having missed her dentist appointment. I had no idea what her plans were, or even that she had an appointment. I was not even home at the time, but somehow missing her appointment was "my fault".

My mother was weight conscious. She had a lovely figure and dressed nicely. When I was about 10, she decided that I was "getting fat" and needed to go on a diet like she did. She was not overweight, and neither was I so this was her cognitive distortion. I became very self conscious. She kept telling me how "big" I was. She also enlisted my father to tell me he'd buy me new clothes if I lost weight. Can you imagine a father saying this to a young teen no matter what size she is? When I look back on this, I am appalled because I can't see how he'd have chosen to say this, but he did what she wanted him to do.

She also blamed me for the marital issues with my father. She told me I was the reason for them. When I left home for college, I believed my parents were happier with me out of the house. It was years later when a sibling told me the issues were still there between them that I realized what she said wasn't true.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes.

Late? My fault, even though I had been standing near the door, dressed up and ready to go for a while.

Got arrested by the police on the way to school? My fault, would get screamed at the second the police officer was back at his car, and literally told : " this is all your fault!" I actually remember arriving to school, seeing my friend and telling her : "mom just screamed at me that it was my fault she got arrested, even though she was the one driving. It wasn't my fault, it's unfair." So at least I knew something was off. 

She forgot to pick me up from school? I got blamed in the car.

Everytime she felt some type of shame or guilt, I was somehow the one responsible for those, no matter that the original actions leading to those feelings were HER actions.  Actually, anyone close to her (same room, same car, etc ) were the ones responsible. Just because they were there for the emotional discharge.

[Methuen]

When I was about 6 yrs, mom looked out the back window and saw branches from the fruit trees on the ground under the trees..  She immediately called me and blamed me for breaking them all off, gave me a spanking, and sent me to my room for the rest of the day.  This included missing meals.  When my dad got home from work she told him what I had done.  He told her he had pruned the trees.  There was no apology.   I wasn’t even tall enough to reach those branches.

My mom was diagnosed with an eating disorder after she gave birth to me.  When I was a teenager she put us both on diets all the time. She would make it a contest.  Whoever lost the most weight would get a new piece of jewelry.  I was always a runt - underheight and underweight.

Two years ago, she fell on the grass under her plum tree.  She was home alone at the time.  It turned out she had 4 fractures in her pelvis and sacrum.  Somehow, all her pain was my fault.

Some time after my dad died, she got into a new relationship. Her bf went on a road trip back to his hometown.  My mom started fretting that he was visiting an old girlfriend, and there was a “ring”.  She enlisted H and I as rescuers because he was “abusing her”.  There was no gf and no ring.  It was all her sense of inferiority and wild imagination.  I didn’t know about BPD back then.  

Last autumn, the driver’s licensing branch required her to have a driver’s medical.  She failed.  I suspect she got a bit hot headed with the doctor and argued with him,, but flipped it around and told us he had talked to her abusivly just like her father.  Shes 85, has macular degeneration, uses a walker full time, has Parkinsons disease, is hard of hearing, has dementia yada yada yada …and even last week told him she thought she could still drive.  It just occurred to me that even before she lost her license, she had me doing her grocery shopping because “her friends had told her she shouldn’t be shopping any more”.  But she thinks she can drive…

I could go on forever.  Entertaining thread this one (to read everyone else’s stories).

[Riv3rW0lf]

I'd like to be able to entertain you guys more, but for some reason, I barely remember my childhood at my mother's house. I have memories at my dad's house, plenty of them. But almost none at mom's.

Anyone else find they don't remember much from their childhood? Or less than other people do?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Also, I see the diet thing happened to some of you. In my case, the weird thing is that I think she actually wants me to be the "fat" one because she gets to be "prettier" than me. So when I got thinner with age (being called fat made me self conscious so I started eating very well, no sugary drinks, no treats, etc.), she would, on the contrary, buy and push me to eat all kind of sweets whenever I was at her house. Even recently, she always made sure she was eating a smaller piece of dessert than I was, for example. If I didn't take any dessert, she said she was worried for me because I wasn't eating. And when my stepfather congratulated me on getting back to my pre-pregnancy line, she brought back the conversation to her, and basically said she was thinner than me. She needs to be prettier than me for some reason. She is happy when I eat "bad food" at her house.  I never stopped to think about it, but it is a bit weird.

I want my daughter to eat well. I indulge her cravings, and she gets one dessert per day, but I always make sure she eats plenty of fruits and vegetables. Who wants their child to eat junk food all the time, while they themselves don't? ... Weird

Does that count as some sort of cognitive projection thing?

[Notwendy]

The competition thing seemed to happen when I was pregnant. She's very petite, and somehow she convinced me I was much bigger than I am. It was more like a few inches taller compared to her. However, when I was pregnant, she got motivated to get very slim and she'd make remarks that I needed to "get big" so she could get slim, as if the two somehow were connected to each other.

[chinchilla_dad]

My mother was great.  My mother-in-law on the other hand...I don't think she ever took responsibility for anything that she did in her life.  My favorite was when My best friend's mother Told me that My bride's mother Was in the bathroom On our wedding day Complaining Practically in tears That her daughter Made her drive out to New Jersey, On a Thursday, And she had to get all dressed up for this, And this is so inconvenient And she has to wear this ridiculous dress And make up Blah blah blah.  And I was just thinking to myself That she was lucky she even got invited. 

[Teabunny]

Wow, I had no idea how common my experiences were! I'm not even sure I fully understand how these link to BPD, but this thread is really enlightening.

To answer your question, Yes.

She also blamed me for the marital issues with my father. She told me I was the reason for them. When I left home for college, I believed my parents were happier with me out of the house. It was years later when a sibling told me the issues were still there between them that I realized what she said wasn't true.

Blaming me for her marriage problems began when I was a young child, or "devil child" as she called me. Exact same experience when I left for college and learned that their issues were theirs, not mine, and persist to this day (unfortunately).

Anyone else find they don't remember much from their childhood?

Yes, me too. I remember some things, like the interiors of the many homes we lived in, but even pleasant experiences I wish I could remember more, I can't. I spent most of my life in my bedroom, so there may not be too much to remember. I so related to the movie "Tangled" and the song "When Will My Life Begin?" I enjoy life, and it's amazing to be an adult free to go outside whenever, make friends, travel, etc. But I bet I had great moments as a kid and just can't recall them, sadly.

The diet issues - same here, mom was always focused on body image and luckily never put me on a diet but she did restrict my eating (or sometimes I wouldn't get dinner because she was upset) and classmates thought I was anorexic, which miraculously cured itself when I left home and ate what I wanted (I've been a healthy weight ever since, about 20 years now). While I was growing up, she occasionally worked jobs, and would lean on quick convenience meals, fast food, processed food - sometimes healthy, but mostly from a package. My health was never good, and I don't blame her, but diet and lifestyle contributed. Now that I'm gone, she focuses on fresh whole foods, smoothies, fruits, vegetables, etc. For someone who said all my life that she didn't want to live past age 50, and terrified me with suicide threats, she's now taking care of her physical health like she can live to be 100 and torture us as long as possible. Last year I put up boundaries, though, so this is no longer much of an issue.

[Turkish]

I've been thinking about this. Others have shared similar experiences. On two occasions that I can remember, my mom told me, "sometimes I wished I'd never adopted you!" On the one hand, at least she said "sometimes;" on the other hand, that implied that she thought about it more than in the moment of anger, as if I were the source of her conflict and unhappiness in life. Truthfully, I think, she adopted me to save herself, though I know she loved me, "the best that she could."

As a parent, I can't comprehend saying something so horrible to my children.

One doesn't choose to be a child, but one chooses to be a parent, and therein lies the responsibility.