Update, She’s off the lease, Recycle attempt?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Thanks for following my story and your support.

Quick update, she’s off the lease! Also, she’s trying to accuse me of “making her” leave because she felt hurt, can’t explain why, can’t see how she did was hurtful, telling me she wants the divorce asap, and then two sentences later saying I should have sent her flowers for Valentine’s, etc.

She is now claiming not to remember most of what happened since she left 5 months ago (which is possible as she also has DID), that my therapist and family are crazy for saying she has any problems, etc.

In short, I think she’s getting scared that I’m developing some boundaries and that, as much as I love her, I won’t let myself be abused anymore.

We have exchanged contact information for our lawyers, and she continues to complain about her lawyer to me. I keep telling her that I didn't ever want a divorce but that she’s an adult and I can’t prevent her from going through with it if that’s what she wants. She filed on 12/7 and she finally admitted that to me today and says she will be serving me.

I am feeling a weird mix of calm that she’s off the lease and they’re changing the locks tomorrow. Also sadness that this might really be the end, but relief that I’ve demonstrated some boundaries and not let her verbally abuse me the way she used to (though she’s certainly trying).

I acknowledge that one day I may need to go NC but I’m not ready for that yet, or fully ready to give up in the (unlikely) event that she completes DBT (I know that takes years).

Thoughts?

[WhatToDo47]

Hi all,

Thanks for following my story and your support.

Quick update, she’s off the lease! Also, she’s trying to accuse me of “making her” leave because she felt hurt, can’t explain why, can’t see how she did was hurtful, telling me she wants the divorce asap, and then two sentences later saying I should have sent her flowers for Valentine’s, etc.

She is now claiming not to remember most of what happened since she left 5 months ago (which is possible as she also has DID), that my therapist and family are crazy for saying she has any problems, etc.

In short, I think she’s getting scared that I’m developing some boundaries and that, as much as I love her, I won’t let myself be abused anymore.

We have exchanged contact information for our lawyers, and she continues to complain about her lawyer to me. I keep telling her that I didn't ever want a divorce but that she’s an adult and I can’t prevent her from going through with it if that’s what she wants. She filed on 12/7 and she finally admitted that to me today and says she will be serving me.

I am feeling a weird mix of calm that she’s off the lease and they’re changing the locks tomorrow. Also sadness that this might really be the end, but relief that I’ve demonstrated some boundaries and not let her verbally abuse me the way she used to (though she’s certainly trying).

I acknowledge that one day I may need to go NC but I’m not ready for that yet, or fully ready to give up in the (unlikely) event that she completes DBT (I know that takes years).

Thoughts?

[BigOof]

Proud of you, WhatToDo47. Making all the right moves.

It's wasted time and space in your head trying to analyze what she thinks. Put that time and energy to better use.

You're going through the (five) stages of grief. This is healthy.

[WhatToDo47]

Proud of you, WhatToDo47. Making all the right moves.

It's wasted time and space in your head trying to analyze what she thinks. Put that time and energy to better use.

You're going through the (five) stages of grief. This is healthy.

Thank you, and I really appreciate It. I’m missing her a lot tonight for some reason. I know that 5 months ago had she basically asked me to try and win her back I would have jumped at the opportunity. I know I’ve recovered enough now not to try for that,  I’m not sure why I miss her so much. Although I guess it’s who I thought she was that I miss. How did you stay strong during the down times?

[Turkish]

8 years out, I still relapse, it's tough, but this might help:

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

[Notwendy]

Feelings are just that- what they are. It doesn't mean you need to act on them. I don't think the decision to end a relationship means there won't be feelings of missing the other person. It means one has considered the situation carefully and determined this is the best step to take.

For a long time, the focus has been on her feelings, what she wants, what she says, what she wants to do. Without that, there's your own feelings and your own recovery. You may feel sadness or grief sometimes but that doesn't mean you have to act on these feelings.

It may be tempting to get into a new relationship. The new "high" of the new relationship is one way to feel better. But beware- it's known that if someone ends a dysfunctional relationship and then starts a new relationship without some self work and recovery- they risk recreating similar dynamics with someone else.

You have decided this situation is not for you, but that isn't the whole of it. Your next task is to focus on your feelings, and address the tendencies in you that led to your taking part in this dysfunction. It may not feel comfortable but the investment is in you. It doesn't mean you need to not have a relationship again, just not too soon.

What your wife is  experiencing is the natural consequences of her actions. Perhaps this hasn't happened before in the relationship but people have their boundaries. It's hard to know if this behavior of "not remembering" is deliberate on her part or she really doesn't remember, but regardless, it happened, and she's an adult - responsible for her actions.

The boundary on feelings is whose feelings are whose? You aren't responsible for her feelings and vice versa. Yes, she may feel badly about her decision, but she took action. You don't have to fix these feelings for her.

[WhatToDo47]

8 years out, I still relapse, it's tough, but this might help:

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

This does help, and I'll use it especially in any contact that has legal implications. Good to know that even 8 years out you still relapse, not because I like knowing you're suffering at times, but because then I can have more realistic expectations of myself.

Thank you!

[WhatToDo47]

Feelings are just that- what they are. It doesn't mean you need to act on them. I don't think the decision to end a relationship means there won't be feelings of missing the other person. It means one has considered the situation carefully and determined this is the best step to take.

For a long time, the focus has been on her feelings, what she wants, what she says, what she wants to do. Without that, there's your own feelings and your own recovery. You may feel sadness or grief sometimes but that doesn't mean you have to act on these feelings.

It may be tempting to get into a new relationship. The new "high" of the new relationship is one way to feel better. But beware- it's known that if someone ends a dysfunctional relationship and then starts a new relationship without some self work and recovery- they risk recreating similar dynamics with someone else.

You have decided this situation is not for you, but that isn't the whole of it. Your next task is to focus on your feelings, and address the tendencies in you that led to your taking part in this dysfunction. It may not feel comfortable but the investment is in you. It doesn't mean you need to not have a relationship again, just not too soon.

What your wife is  experiencing is the natural consequences of her actions. Perhaps this hasn't happened before in the relationship but people have their boundaries. It's hard to know if this behavior of "not remembering" is deliberate on her part or she really doesn't remember, but regardless, it happened, and she's an adult - responsible for her actions.

The boundary on feelings is whose feelings are whose? You aren't responsible for her feelings and vice versa. Yes, she may feel badly about her decision, but she took action. You don't have to fix these feelings for her.

Thanks, Notwendy.

You are right. I have to accept that I will probably feel lonely for a time, missing her, sad, disappointed, etc. I guess part of what separates me from her is that as a pwBPD she acts on her feelings, I can choose to act to the contrary to momentary emotions for a long term goal (safety, security, happiness, etc).

The focus has been 110% on her feelings, wants, needs, perceived slights, etc for our entire relationship. I think that now that I’m expressing some of my feelings, wants, needs, she doesn’t know how to react and it scares her.

I will heed your warning to be cautious of jumping in to a new relationship. I have fallen into this trap in the past, and actually that’s how I started the relationship with my wife. I was coming off of a breakup from a 3ish year relationship, my wife saw that I was sad and lonely, and she “rescued” me with promises of companionship, safety, love, security, all things that she stabbed me in the back about when she left.

No matter what, I don’t ever want another relationship like this or to end up in my current situation again. Ever. Thankfully, I have been talking with a therapist every week, and those will be topics we work on. I highly recommend therapy to everyone.

For our entire relationship, I have shielded my wife from the consequences of her actions. If she quit her job, I made enough money to keep her afloat, if she started a fight, I would mend the ties (I am definitely a peacemaker), if she had a meltdown, I would always pick up the pieces. I think she’s expecting me to do that here, to shield her from the consequences of her actions. The problem is, this time the person she hurt is me, and I’m not keen on ruining my own life so she can feel better for 5 minutes until the next random trigger starts the raging/acting out/self sabotage cycle again. Her own therapist (who she quit when she left and who I’m still very close to) said that I have to let her deal with the consequences of her own actions, that that’s the only hope for her eventually realizing she has a problem and getting back into therapy, which is what I ultimately want for her (therapy and healing for her own health, happiness, and safety).
I have HUGE white knight/codependent tendencies. I always want to rescue people and make peace. You are right, though, I am not responsible to fix her feelings. I tried for years, and she’s no better off than when I met her. I simply can’t do it, even if I want to. I read recently on here not to confuse pity with love. I love her, but right now I think what I’m feeling is pity.

Thanks for listening to my rambling ;) Any thoughts on all this?