It was all good... Until I had to leave... The dreaded email again

[DogMom2019]

This past week, I went to visit my spouse. I picked up a few things from the house and left most of it as to imply this was still my home and I'm coming back. I met "her" new puppy and although I didn't stay at the house (I knew it wouldn't be a good idea) I made it a point to come see her EVERYDAY I was there.

The first night she asked me to dinner and then backed out. The 3rd night she asked me to dinner again, and at the last minute, told me it was too cold but would I mind stopping by and hanging out. She texted & called me everyday, like nothing had happened these last 6 months, making plans, fixing lunch for us, watching our shows together...

On the second night, she apologized for "putting us in this space" (where in which she wants a divorce and no longer wants to be with me). And when I asked her what caused this change in her view of our marriage, she told me that I was disengaged the entire relationship and around her family and the last trip we took to drop her off at school, I wasn't interested in anything to do with it and I was miserable (as a disclaimer: most of that was untrue, well except being around her family, as much as I tried I never felt comfortable around them because for the most part they would not be interested in me or our marriage, the focus was mainly on my spouse as in individual). She asked me where do I see this marriage going and I told her that I would like for us to heal ourselves and then heal our marriage (which is true). She asked me questions about how my work would fit into our lifestyle (because Lord forbid I have something else to distract me from her). I told her my plans of continuing school and things I wanted to do with life. She even asked me rhetorically if I could wait until she got "s#!t straight" so we could be together. I found out that she's been in a car accident and is going to alcohol treatment with the military (definitely a positive... Until she told me that she has been sober for a month only to say the last 2 weekends where she had a drink doesn't count towards her sobriety). She even hugged and smelled me each time I left. It was a good visit, so good (in my mind) I left her a note telling her that I heard her, validated the feelings of confusion she had and how rough it must be and that I would wait on her to get healthy so we can be together.

I flew out after 4 days of getting along really well and the next day get an email stating that she read my letter and I must have been confused about our time together. She said it was casual, that she is still wanting a divorce and once the divorce is through she will be closing our chapter in her life. She told me that she didn't want me waiting on her because it would be holding her down from experiencing life with no expectations.

I want to say that I may have ridden the high of being back together a little too much and expected things to have changed. I recorded the conversation and played it back to myself, my reality was very true. She did ask me things to suggest a way for us to get back together, I didn't make that up. At the end of the day though, I left her again and so with her being by herself, she did what she does and pulls out the card that hurts the most, the divorce. Then again, she really could be okay with getting a divorce. Who knows at this point. I do know that although I was beating myself up on how much I thought she changed, I see this is something that never will.

What a week...

[DogMom2019]

Lest I forget her asking me to picking up my meds and doing things for me while I was there... Things that spouses do for one another, not an individual seeking a divorce. She also took a little bit of accountability (first time in 6 months)... She told me that she realized that she would say and do things that would upset me and even after I explained several times, she still didn't understand what was wrong or why she continued to hurt me. Only to be told the moment I left, I must have been confused about the entire trip.

[ForeverDad]

She even hugged and smelled me each time I left.

This rings a bell.  Have you researched object constancy?  It as a common issue with BPD, when you're out of sight, you're out of mind, so to speak.  So your distance apart is stressing her sense of connection with you.  Perhaps research that or discuss that in your next counseling sessions?