any advice on using a mediator?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been posting on the "bettering" board but things took a hard turn over the past two days, and now I need advice on navigating the end (or at least the messy beginning of the end if my wife backs out).

She split twice Friday and Saturday - both times out of character, in that it was in the evening after two very good days.  Then yesterday was bad all the way through and I ended up searching for her through a local park in the dark.  She was both very suicidal and in despair and also clear that we were over.  This has happened a lot in the past two years (of a 16 year marriage) but, again, this time felt different.

I also finally stood up for myself and said I didn't want to discuss our relationship issues in the context of her suicidal feelings in a park in the night with our kids scared at home.  I've managed to hold this line more or less, and it's freaking her out, as blaming me is the direct feature of her despair.  She also for the first time threatened to call the police on me, though it was childish and pathetic and over in 2 seconds.  Still, it's a first, and I'm learning that once lines are crossed, they are crossed.

Today has been back and forth chaos.  But she is also clear that she wants a mediator.  In general, she is very clear that she wants to move out, that she doesn't want to live in "my house" and so on.  She refuses to even hear that she would get enough alimony/child support to make it on her own - instead very much stuck in her victim mode of helpless poverty.

Has anyone had a good experience with a mediator?  Should I get a laywer on the side?  She has never been the least materialistic, she is clear the kids would either be split 50/50 or all with me, and so on.  She's not from the US either, and the system super intimidates her.  I have read that mediators can work well in these high conflict cases since it's less confrontational.

I also know there is a fairly good chance she will back down on it all.  Then I've got decisions to make, I know, but I was giving myself through April to make them.

[FirstSteps]

I've been posting on the "bettering" board but things took a hard turn over the past two days, and now I need advice on navigating the end (or at least the messy beginning of the end if my wife backs out).

She split twice Friday and Saturday - both times out of character, in that it was in the evening after two very good days.  Then yesterday was bad all the way through and I ended up searching for her through a local park in the dark.  She was both very suicidal and in despair and also clear that we were over.  This has happened a lot in the past two years (of a 16 year marriage) but, again, this time felt different.

I also finally stood up for myself and said I didn't want to discuss our relationship issues in the context of her suicidal feelings in a park in the night with our kids scared at home.  I've managed to hold this line more or less, and it's freaking her out, as blaming me is the direct feature of her despair.  She also for the first time threatened to call the police on me, though it was childish and pathetic and over in 2 seconds.  Still, it's a first, and I'm learning that once lines are crossed, they are crossed.

Today has been back and forth chaos.  But she is also clear that she wants a mediator.  In general, she is very clear that she wants to move out, that she doesn't want to live in "my house" and so on.  She refuses to even hear that she would get enough alimony/child support to make it on her own - instead very much stuck in her victim mode of helpless poverty.

Has anyone had a good experience with a mediator?  Should I get a laywer on the side?  She has never been the least materialistic, she is clear the kids would either be split 50/50 or all with me, and so on.  She's not from the US either, and the system super intimidates her.  I have read that mediators can work well in these high conflict cases since it's less confrontational.

I also know there is a fairly good chance she will back down on it all.  Then I've got decisions to make, I know, but I was giving myself through April to make them.

[Cat Familiar]

Consult with an attorney, or a few, and find one who you believe can handle a high conflict divorce. Because with people with BPD, regardless of what they propose at the outset, you can bet it will turn high conflict at some point.

Mediation is fine with emotionally healthy partners who aren’t holding grudges, but can explode when there’s a BPD spouse in the mix.

Threatening to call the police on you is seriously upping the ante.  Based on what you’ve previously experienced with her, you have no idea what she’s capable of when  hits the fan. Definitely take steps to protect yourself legally.

[FirstSteps]

Thanks.  That's a good reality check.  Things are calm now, though there is still agreement on divorce.  She keeps trying to "explain" things to me and I see she wants me to cave in and go back to normal. But I'm just emptied out and am passively not engaging anymore. 

I was reading the latest newsletter from Margarlis Fjelstad and she talks about not controlling the pwBPD.  They are capable and they on some level want to be who they are.  My wife is explicit about this - whether she is being defiant on being true to herself or playing the martyr and taking all the responsibility for our relationship "minefield".  I see on the "success stories" page here that many of them involve demanding the spouse goes into intensive DBT programs.  But I feel like we're past that.  She does not want to change, and I am finally saying that I can't change enough for her.

Anyway, I will use the calm to start finding a good lawyer.  Hoping not to use them. 

Here's the quote: 

"You weren’t hired or requested to take over responsibilities from the BP/NP, and this results in lots of conflict between you and them. They want to do things their own way, and you want things done very differently. You think that if the BP/NP just understood and agreed to act and live the way you prefer, that everything would work out well. But the BP/NP thinks, acts, perceives the world, and ultimately wants different things than you do.

You have taken on the role of caretaker without permission, and the BP/NP refuses to give up control. It is always an uneasy truce."