My son has BPD

[Bluebirdsong]

Hello! My 25 yo son was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. He also has a chronic illness, CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue). He got sick when he was 15 and was quite isolated, and too fatigued to have much of a life. We knew he was depressed as well. It wasn't until he went on an anti-depressant that he gained some energy, and suddenly was behaving much more ...extreme.  Now, looking back, I can see his BPD traits as a child, before he got sick. As we didn't know what he was going through, our parenting style made things worse, as did his physical illness.  In February he exploded and left home for a week, without contact. This was the first time he had a raging outburst. It was meant to be a family counselling session, but it ended badly. He has come back under our roof, the only option as homelessness in the winter isn't great. He had gone to the hospital's psych ward but they wouldn't admit him because he wasn't suicidal, but while there he met a girl who also has BPD. They have been together ever since. When he came back home, we gave him a list of boundaries, which he was willing to live with, as this was meant to be a temporary arrangement while he looked for another place to live. He is on disability, so his options are limited and rents are very high in our city. Things have gone reasonably well, until yesterday when he asked if his girlfriend could stay overnight. One of our conditions was no friends overnight. We made this decision based on past experience with his friends, and the need for our own piece of mind. Tonight he told us that we make him and his girlfriend feel very unwelcome.  I sense an escalation in his mood.  I know I need to put my own feelings aside and not take his words personally.  But...I do have feelings and need to vent!  He has always lived at home, and we have always helped support him in anyway we can.  We had a car which we paid insurance for and maintained so he could get around easily. We've paid for his counselling sessions. We stopped charging him rent because he wanted more autonomy over his finances, with the goal to save money to move out. His rent was low, and covered food as well. Since he stopped paying rent, he eats out or orders food in and hasn't saved any money.  He is also addicted to marijuana, the only drug that really helps with his CFS/ME, and costs a lot each month.  He has recently said he wants to break the addiction, but hasn't made movement towards rehab yet.   So, now I sense an escalation because he's pushing the boundaries we put in place.  It sounds heartless, but the weather has warmed up here. If he decides to leave again, I know he won't freeze.  He is looking for a place with his girlfriend and another friend, for May 1st, but he is unrealistic about what he can afford. I know he needs to learn how to live in the real world, but it is so hard to watch him struggle mentally and physically. Thanks for "listening"! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Thanks for posting Bluebirdsong. We seem to go round in circles with our bpd children I think. Each time we have a little hope that with this or that support they might be able to stand on their own two feet. Perhaps they do, just a little at a time.

It is awful when they abuse and blame you, especially as parents often have to give so much more to a child with BPD than to one who doesn't have this horrible illness. There is so much effort needed to help them along the away - financial, emotional and physical support.

I wish I had made the rule 'no overnight visitors' a long time ago. DD was quite young when she palled up with someone and I let them stay (after a counsellor more or less said it was a good thing to do; in those days I was following everyone's advice trying to work out what to do!).

Like you, the options seemed to be (a) under my roof or (b) on the streets. Fifteen years later I have stated no one stays, but I still am not sure she won't turn up with someone.

I think if I had my time over I would have said 'no one stays' and then had the strength to enforce it if I came home and someone else was here.

I think there does come a time when you can work out what you are prepared to do in ways of support and what you are not. In my case now, I provide a room and food, but I have stepped back emotionally so that I am not on the rollercoaster ride. It feels a much better place to be. I know dd has the option to be here, but if she chooses to be elsewhere then I can't do anything about that.

It is a challenging life - everyday it is challenging. Thank you for posting. It is the sharing that lifts me up, knowing that others are challenged in the same way.