End of the Road

[Roisin]

New to group, so very old to issue. Found this group last night & felt like I could breathe again. Reading the post of other parents, life saving. I have a 23 year old daughter diagnosed with BPD. Raised by a mother with BPD, daughters father is sociopath with many features of BPD. I am a survivor of multiple abuse, have been in therapy my entire adult life however there is nothing more painful than raising a child with BPD. I have other daughters who are survivors of sexual abuse & none of them suffer the degree of brokenness this 23 year old does. Often times I feel as though only in death will this nightmare of mental illness end…not suicidal tired of the endless battles to try and get help for my daughter. My daughter who is not willing to accept the gravity of her diagnoses & do the work to heal. She has been explosive and physically abusive since age 3 after disclosures of abuse by dad.
 I’m tired and would like to have life before I do actually die. In early 60’s with health issues, I can not continue on like this. Time for more help & guidance. Forget plan B working on plan W at this point. Thanks for letting me share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

You wrote in to the right place, welcome!  Is  your daughter living with you?

[Rev]

Yes... You have come to the right place.

And congratulations for sharing the details of what sounds like a very heavy and complex situation. Lot's of moving parts to it and generations of abuse.

Can you maybe share something that might point this in the right direction:  If you were in a well place, one to your satisfaction, how might you know?  What would be the signs?

Hang in there. Your daughter was abused as a young child. You've likely done many good things to bring her this far.

Rev

[Roisin]

Thank You! Yes many generations of abuse. I am the family black sheep whistle blower.
Not sure exactly what you mean by direction. As to wellness I have done the work to have that. What I long for is the ability to have my daughter in my life with a measure of peace & respect. A well place would be to have my boundaries respected and to not be abused. In order for this to happen possibly a greater understanding of my daughters BPD and better communication skills are needed. And maybe enough is enough & I must be willing to accept that loss. That’s the whole point in reaching out on this forum

[Roisin]

Yes... You have come to the right place.

And congratulations for sharing the details of what sounds like a very heavy and complex situation. Lot's of moving parts to it and generations of abuse.

Can you maybe share something that might point this in the right direction:  If you were in a well place, one to your satisfaction, how might you know?  What would be the signs?

Hang in there. Your daughter was abused as a young child. You've likely done many good things to bring her this far.

Rev

[Roisin]

You wrote in to the right place, welcome!  Is  your daughter living with you?

[Roisin]

You wrote in to the right place, welcome!  Is  your daughter living with you?

Thank You! Yes many generations of abuse. I am the family black sheep whistle blower.
Not sure exactly what you mean by direction. As to wellness I have done the work to have that. What I long for is the ability to have my daughter in my life with a measure of peace & respect. A well place would be to have my boundaries respected and to not be abused. In order for this to happen possibly a greater understanding of my daughters BPD and better communication skills are needed. And maybe enough is enough & I must be willing to accept that loss. That’s the whole point in reaching out on this forum

[Rev]

Thank You! Yes many generations of abuse. I am the family black sheep whistle blower.
Not sure exactly what you mean by direction. As to wellness I have done the work to have that. What I long for is the ability to have my daughter in my life with a measure of peace & respect. A well place would be to have my boundaries respected and to not be abused. In order for this to happen possibly a greater understanding of my daughters BPD and better communication skills are needed. And maybe enough is enough & I must be willing to accept that loss. That’s the whole point in reaching out on this forum

By right direction I mean headed in a direction that you would consider "better".

And I think that you've understood alot. The words you write describe your choices, the skills you'll need and the dilemma of there not being a silver bullet.

Personally I think it all starts with understanding not her as much as yourself.

What boundaries are you trying to maintain?

What boundaries are getting crossed and when?

What is lacking, either in you or the situation, that makes it hard for you to maintain the boundaries?

Thoughts ?

Hang in there.

Rev

[Roisin]

True it is not about understanding my daughter but it is not so much about understanding myself but accepting myself. The person I am & my inability to understand how one human being can mistreat another. The boundaries I set are the basics of human decency. Speak with out yelling & an onslaught of verbal abuse. Be honest, own your behavior, do not blame another for what is yours to own. Act with decency & a decorum  of respect for others.
These boundaries aren’t crossed as much as most of the time my daughter cannot grasp the nature of them as being essential codes of human decency.
This is a day to day journey & within that day she may cross multiple boundaries as she has no boundaries & everything is about her. Regardless, my family and I hold her to these basic values & will carry out whatever consequences we impose if she violates them. Her attitude is whatever, she will accept it & when it’s over repeat it again.
Honestly I don’t find something “lacking” in me so much a question as I never giving up. If it be anything I love too much. How can one not love their child too much. I don’t know how to surrender, to walk away.Much is lacking in the situation & I know it is always going to be that way so long as my daughter chooses not to deal with her illness.
I can go back & read, research & reach out to others in similar situations truth is nothing is going to change the situation.
I must come to terms with the truth about just who my daughter is and what her illness is. I must accept that she is without conscience or empathy, & nothing I do will ever change that. I just don’t want to give up on her, that hurts as much.
Thanks for your thoughtful questions? It helped me to move 1 step closer to taking action.

[Rev]

Wonderful.

By protecting yourself you are in fact not giving up on her. You are living in hope for another day

Hang in there.  My adult daughter has a bi-polar diagnosis. Won't stick to.a treatment plan. I wasn't coping well. Setting a boundary around her cell phone caused her to cut me out of her life. I sit and wait. One day she'll re-emerge.

Rev

[Really now]

Welcome to the family. We comfort each other in our similarities. When you are receiving the fire know that you are in the oven with others just like you who also don’t understand where the fury is coming from. I pray for all our kids and parents and partners diagnosed with BPD or PTSD. They are also in hell. I tell myself that ultimately we will rise.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders