I think I am going to have a breakdown

[Parents! Get help here!]

  I have lived with an undiagnosed daughter who will be 26 this week for many many years.  I have put two and two together and see that she has the traits for this disorder.  Our relationship has come to a breaking point.  I cannot go on with her in the house any longer. I asked her to find another place to live and I would help her --pay rent for her, put a down payment on a condo (i've saved to make this happen). But she refuses and says she will go when she is ready.  She bullies verbally abuses me and makes my life a living hell. Sorry her disorder makes her extremely toxic to live with.  My own health is failing.  I also have another teen who she has taken complete control over.  Her half sister has picked up the disrespect and the abusive disregard. The bpd is now interfering with the upbringing of my second daughter.  I am at the point that if she does not move out by September that I will get an order of protection against her so she can be forced out.  Is there any other alternative?  She is no longer a child but an adult. As usual she refuses to see her responsibility in the way things work out in her life.  She needs counseling but does not see that she does.  Are parents supposed to put up with the abuse of adult children until they die?  This is what if feels like right now. If anyone has any insights into the situation, I would be very grateful. 

[eirene]

  I have lived with an undiagnosed daughter who will be 26 this week for many many years.  I have put two and two together and see that she has the traits for this disorder.  Our relationship has come to a breaking point.  I cannot go on with her in the house any longer. I asked her to find another place to live and I would help her --pay rent for her, put a down payment on a condo (i've saved to make this happen). But she refuses and says she will go when she is ready.  She bullies verbally abuses me and makes my life a living hell. Sorry her disorder makes her extremely toxic to live with.  My own health is failing.  I also have another teen who she has taken complete control over.  Her half sister has picked up the disrespect and the abusive disregard. The bpd is now interfering with the upbringing of my second daughter.  I am at the point that if she does not move out by September that I will get an order of protection against her so she can be forced out.  Is there any other alternative?  She is no longer a child but an adult. As usual she refuses to see her responsibility in the way things work out in her life.  She needs counseling but does not see that she does.  Are parents supposed to put up with the abuse of adult children until they die?  This is what if feels like right now. If anyone has any insights into the situation, I would be very grateful. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HopefulFather]

eirene,    Your not along!  I haven't been here on these boards for long, but I have been dealing with a daughter for many years who has made us feel the same way.  I believe the only way you can continue to help her is if you set the boundary that you mentioned.  If she is abusive in any way you have every right to do whatever is necessary for her to not live with you.  At some point you need to have time apart from her to recharge your batteries.  You may actually be able to help her more if you can do this in between interactions.

We finally did what your talking about and she can no longer live with us.  Even if our daughter visits for a couple of days its very stressful.  I can't imagine going back to her living with us full time!  We were told by somewhat experienced life coaches that we may even have PTSD from the constant tiptoeing around and verbal abuse.

We have also helped a lot financially to keep our daughter in her own housing separate from us but not living in her car on the street.  If you can do this it is still more than should be expected of you!

Others here may be able to help you more with strategies to cope, but I think your on the right track to regaining your sanity!

[eirene]

Thank you for your honest response.  it helps to have validation from others in same boat.  i am grateful for your feedback. i am trying to make a gentle transition.

[Roisin]

Eriene my heart goes out to you. I have a 23 yr old daughter with BPD & have lived what you are experiencing now. I refer to it as borderline hell. My daughter is diagnosed but is not med compliment.  She can go from 0 to 60 violently verbally abusing to extremely charming appearing to be a delightful young woman. She is a delightful young woman at times when she is not in the extremes of her illness. Those moments are rare & fleeting. I too reached the point where I could no longer live with her.
To do so would be allowing myself to be mentally, emotionally & spiritually abused constantly. I come from an abusive family system, and the father of my daughter was abusive. I have been in treatment for myself for domestic violence & my abuse history for years. I can intellectually understand that my daughter suffers from a illness that creates the dynamics of her behaviors, emotionally it is another story. Most people don’t understand this is a situation one must live to fully comprehend the heartache & depths of despair that the entire family experiences. People mean well and offer advice that isn’t of much help if any. The most common line from others is “ throw her ass out she’ll straighten up real fast when she gets a taste of the real world.”  Thanks I am very familiar with that theory of tough love. The real world of today would eat her up & spit her out on the side of the road. Just another casualty of today’s real world of sex trafficking. I know this as I have been there & also have worked with homeless women facilitating a recovery group. To me that is not a choice I could ever make and live with. I have a very dear friend who did use this tough love approach & her daughter is dead today. What was done to her no human being should ever endure.
I am happy for you that you have the financial ability to help set your daughter up elsewhere. I would suggest you do so with care and guidance. These young adults are disabled and need treatment that accommodates BPD. Housing, life skills, therapeutic skills to accept, adjust and in time become attuned to living life with their illness. Lon term. I am aware there are programs that profess to do this , state run warehouses or private pay hospital programs.My daughter left our home & went to a state run young peoples residential. Promised so much delivered more trauma. As I don’t have the finances to help her I had to fight every level of the mental health system in our state to get any of this
I hope you will find your way to making changes that will at best give you a chance to regroup & breath again. To prepare for the next round of BPD.